The Online Photographer

Open Mike: First Cutting (OT)

["Open Mike" is the opportunistic Editorial Page of TOP, which gets done adventitiously as the occasion arises.]

There comes that time in early spring when we have a string of nice warm sunny days and I look at the grass and think, "nah, it's too early, it's not long enough to bother with yet." It is so nice out you wonder if it will never get cloudy.

Then the skies cloud up and the rain starts, and it rains for twenty days. The rain makes the grass leap up out of the ground and head skyward. At the same time, the rain soaks everything, making it impossible to run the lawnmower to cut any of that grass back down again. You have to watch helplessly while the grass grows out of control, unable to do anything about it. This happens seemingly overnight. Presently the grass is nearly as high as the rooftops, in spots.

Finally there comes a break in the weather. The clouds roil about, the sun is seen fleetingly at times, the asphalt road actually dries off even at the edges where it's broken up, and you seize the moment and run out and hop on the old John Deere, hoping it will fire up after slumbering all winter. But I'm outrunning my tale: before I begin mowing I have to pick up sticks. That's what the trees, especially the sycamores, do all winter—shed sticks—and I collected enough of them yesterday to make a house for the middle of the Three Little Piggies, all the while mourning my misfortune for being so tall and having to stoop so far to reach the ground. Last fall I had all manner of trouble with the John Deere. It had to go back and forth to the repair shop twice, and I was pessimistic of its prospects this spring. After having been hit with a succession of unexpected expenses this year so far, I thought perhaps having to buy a new used lawn tractor was going to add to my list of woes. I tried to counteract this possibility by idly shopping online for a new John Deere that I can in no wise afford. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that the old one started up and ran smoothly; maybe that repair shop knows what it is doing.

If you read novels, and have ever encountered the phrase "the forsythia are in bloom," this is what that looks like. For those of you who live amongst skyscraper canyons in big cities, I can tell you that having a lot of forsythia is one of the good things about living in the country. The more forsythia, the better.

I believe my John Deere has about as many horsepower as the first Volkswagen Rabbit, the original hot hatch—about 90—making it very powerful, for a lawnmower. So if I creep very slowly across the great heaps of leaves that I absolutely meant to rake up a long time ago, the great engine with its new mulching blades will roar and churn and shake and spit out a torrent of moist leaf mulch, which I arrange very un-aesthetically in senseless patterns across the lawn. The yard is complicated, and has a great many impediments to the mower, including all the low-hanging branches that I continue to intend to cut back, and all the tenacious mystery plants that were once cut down but that persist in continuing to grow. (The rule is that if I want a plant to grow, it does not, and if I try to kill a plant, it will cling to life and continue to pester me for years without ever having the chance to sprout leaves or do any of the other things that plants are believed to have to do to sustain life. I had a wisteria bush cut down to the ground five years ago, for instance, and it is still angrily trying to come back out again.) The yard has also become filled with spontaneous potholes or sinkholes over the winter for no known reason. The smallest of these are no problem; I merely aim the lawn tractor to straddle and pass over them. The largest are also no problem, as I simply drive the mower down one slope, traverse the bottom, and drive up the other side. It is the mid-sized ones, the ones the size of a bathtub or a La-Z-Boy recliner, that are the problem; you can get hung up in those, and you may then require the services of a Mennonite neighbor with a team of draft horses to extricate the tractor. This happened only a few times yesterday, as I went along.

The first cutting of the season is merely emergency triage, meant to cut the grass back before it exceeds the height of oaks. I don't bother doing a neat job of it; I cut where I can and leave the niceties for later. All thoughts of making the lawn look good are set aside and left for the clement months, when the sun shines and the gnats shimmer in the hot air and the snakes that live underneath the rocks sun themselves on top of the rocks. For now it's just a grim battle of man against grass. Of course, I have another limitation that vectors in upon the job, namely, that my back can only take so much jouncing around perched atop the tractor. If I don't desist as soon as my spine begins to feel tender, I will be faced with days in traction, days on crutches, followed by a further flourish of days hobbling around with the aid of a cane. It's best not to overdo.

But yesterday I needn't have worried, as presently the rain returned, and I had to quit on account of that. That's "rain" in the colloquial usage. Did you know that not all rain is actually rain? "Rain" is technically steady precipitation that exceeds twenty minutes in duration. Any less than that, and it's a "shower." So now you know why the weatherman insists on saying "scattered showers"—he's being technical. The problem with these definitions, of course, is that in these parts, twenty minutes is long enough for about an inch and a half of rain to fall (that's a cm and half to you foreigners, I b'lieve), and that will soak things almost as good as rain will.

Anyway I got about half the yard done yesterday, which I am pleased about; and it looks like hell. I had to skip the places where the leaves were heaviest, lest I risk the mower blades clogging to a stop, and I got no trimming done despite trimming being urgently called for. But this is one of those incremental tasks. It keeps needing doing, again and again, and each time I bravely forge out to do yardwork I will improve one area a little better than I did the last time. And in that fashion, bit by bit, the premises will gradually get whipped into shape. I am confident that in this manner I will have the whole yard looking nice and neat by the time the leaves turn and start to litter the ground again, next fall.

Mike

[CORRECTION: I'm surprised that so many of TOP's otherwise intelligent readers got this wrong, but we just hired a new fact-checker—one who attended the University of Science, no less—and he checked again. He assures me that one deutsche mark does indeed equal one inch. So the correspondence is 1:1, and, therefore, 1.5 inches = 1.5 dm, as I reported in the post. If you don't understand this, it is doubtless because you are not European.

However there is one very bad mistake in the post, which management regrets. Take a look at this photo of the instruments from the cockpit:

So the lawnmower engine is NOT 90 horsepower, as I stated...it is 180 horsepower, as you can see for yourself. And note that mine has only 4,645 miles on the odometer. That doesn't seem like much, but none of them are highway miles.

Glad we got that all cleared up!  —Ed.]

[There might have been some satire in this post, and not just the measurement conversion.]

Original contents copyright 2023 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. (To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below or on the title of this post.)

Featured Comments from:

Bryan Hansel: "I approach lawn mowing differently. I go as short as possible in an attempt to kill the grass so I don't have to mow. It might be different here in northern Minnesota though. We currently have about a foot of snow in the yard. After that melts, everything turns to mud. Just as the mud starts to dry, and the grass starts to grow, and the spring flowers start to bloom, the black flies emerge. That happens in June. There's a saying, "Don't go outside in June." You'll die from black fly bites. But the grass is getting high in June, so the mowing must be done. That's when the bug shirt comes out. It's armor against the bugs with a full mesh hood, bug-proof fabric, and elastic cuffs at the wrists and waist. By the time I work the courage up to push mow the lawn, the mosquitoes have emerged. Then it's an all out fight for the lawn. It's humans vs. the bugs. The bugs usually win. Thus my goal to kill the grass so I don't have to suffer the pain of 10,000 Minnesota black flies and mosquitoes. And this is all before the No-See-Ums hatch."

Mike replies: I'm like you. I grew up in Wisconsin, and I continue to be amazed, when I'm in other parts of the country, how few insects there are. When we played outdoors as kids we thought it was normal to be covered with red polka-dots (mosquito bites). In Berkeley when I was there my girlfriend's mother kept her french doors wide open to the evening air! No screens at all. I was astonished. As you well know, she would never get away with that in Wisconsin or Minnesota.

Stelios: "What? No picture of the John Deere?!"

Mike replies:

Note Green Bay Packer colors.

Geoffrey Wittig: "There are many philosophical elements to yard and lawn care. Some folk regard it as a great crusade, wherein your friends and neighbors, and perhaps St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, will judge you severely for the state of your yard. Such folks tend to mow at the first sign of green grass, keep the lawn severely trimmed, and neaten up the edges on hands and knees using scissors. A single dandelion is cause for chemical warfare. Every twig must be removed. I'm on the other end. As an adolescent I tried to persuade my father that if we merely waited, the wind would blow all the downed leaves out of our yard and off to somewhere else. He was not amenable to my argument, directing me to man the push-mower. I now live on about 99 acres of hilltop land. Thankfully most of it is forested or far too steep to consider mowing, so we only mow perhaps a quarter acre. Even more fortunate for me, my wife actually enjoys mowing. The first time I mowed the lawn 35 years ago, I came into the house sneezing uncontrollably with my eyes swelling shut and my nose running like a faucet. My wife sighed and said, 'I'll mow the lawn if you get me a riding mower.' 'Done!' Best money I ever spent."

The Online Photographer Is Selling Out

I'm devastated sorry happy delighted to announce that The Online Photographer is being sold. Internet mogul Spliff Wayzos and tech boffin Melon (pronounced MEE-lon) Husk engaged in a titanic bidding war for the highly prized property, and, once the clouds of gunsmoke in the air wafted away on the spring breeze, Mr. Wayzos emerged the winner with a towering $53,461.15 bid, for which Mr. Husk had no answer.

It's too much to resist. As much as I would like to remain independent, and as resolutely as I would claim to cling to principle, I find that any stiffness in my spine is turned into jelly by the dancing visions of such a large sum of lucre. I mean, people, I could buy a whole new Prius with that much dosh, that is if I were able to pull the trigger on a depreciating asset. Hence, the owner-manager of this site, corrupted by money into a state of spinelessness, has cynically thrown it all away.

Personally, of course, I will be basking in it. Once the check comes in, I will be $30,000 closer to my retirement goal of paying off my mortgage (only $110,000 to go! Which should take only 18 years, and my current life expectancy is 18 years!) and tooling around town like a princeling in a new-to-me used Nissan with only 117,000 miles on it. As for the site, Mr. Wayzos, or Spliff as I am now privileged to call him, has promised he will not micromanage too much. Privately he has pledged to step back and stay out of the way, ceding editorial control mainly to the site's existing editors—a group that consists of...just me. For those continuing services, I am to be paid a rock-steady $16.20 an hour, day-in, day-out, a generous $2 over NY State minimum wage and coincidentally just about exactly the cost of an 8-pack of paper towels or a lunch at Casa Mezcal, the new Mexican restaurant in town. The new owner has promised to keep the site going "through the summer." After that he will shut down the site, probably because by then he will realize that 17% of the site's income consists of affiliate income from his own companies (we'll hope he doesn't read this). Plus the drain of that $16.20 ticking past every hour whether the head writer is actually writing or off doing errands, or reading Liar's Club while pedaling a stationary bike at the Community Center, or out taking flat lifeless pictures with his pointlessly converted camera (you can convert color files to B&W, you know), or chopping veggies for soup, or throwing the dog's beloved discus and standing there like a tree stump while Butters wanders around with the discus in his mouth sniffing things.

Actually he won't need a reason to shut the shebang down. He's the king of the jungle*; it's just business.

You will not notice any change, all the way through to the very end of the summer. Just the arrival of summer will seem like it takes forever, and the end of summer is way beyond that, so you've nothing to worry about for now.

Signed,

—The Previous Owner and Once and Future All-Purpose Editorial Slave of TOP

*You see what I did there.

Original contents copyright 2023 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. (To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below or on the title of this post.)

Featured Comments from:

Keith Cartmell: "I think your high tech blog scheduler published this a week early."

Mike replies: I'd answer that, but I only work till 5:00 now.

Frank Gorga: "I'm so delighted happy sorry devastated for you!"

Chris Kern: "Yeah, well, enjoy it while you can. In this economy, that 'rock-steady $16.20 an hour' no doubt will be a drain on profitability. The new management will have to let the old editorial staff go before too long, and use a chatbot to produce the content."

Mike replies: How do you know I'm not a chatbot?

John Krumm: "If you will take $53,500 I'll buy it from you, then lease it back to you. You can become the peasant blog farmer, and I'll take a percentage of all Patreon earnings. As Lord of the blog manor, I will have the right to approve or deny any marriage, and I can also hold yearly country fairs on the property. You will have to move into the barn. One post a week will have to praise me in some form."

Mike replies: You drive a hard bargain. But you are brilliant, of great understanding, wise in the ways of humankind, clever at puzzles, and better-looking than average. There, that checks the box for Week One.

Sherwood McLernon: "I think you're Lion."

Mike replies: Only when I'm not standing up.

Arg: "Shouldn’t this have been written and published in 2007?  ;-)  "

Mike replies: Wait, are you telling me it's not 2007?

xf mj: "I think what I most love about this post is, other than the fact that it’s not factually true (but it speaks a 'truth'), we can all just continue to huddle in this little corner of Typepad, on its little square block of the internet, await more posts, and occasionally respond in kind, as best we are able. Sure, some other parts are being dynamited maybe, and some new gilded impenetrable skyscrapers are probably being financed and constructed. I myself am comfortable here away from the fray. We can take and make pictures, and talk about doing it, and sometimes debate the process. Across the street, at least for me, is the site on bikes and touring where I sometimes window shop, and where some seasoned frame builders will chance by as well. And just down the street I’ve heard that some people are dancing on and on about architecture."

A Scream**

[Comments have been posted]

SA*

Another great victory in the neverending battle to keep America safe from photographers occurred last Saturday at LaGuardia Airport in New York. A Republic Airways aircraft operating as American Flight 4817, full of patriotic Americans going about their everyday business, was proceeding from Indianapolis to LaGuardia when an alert woman correctly identified a man seated near her as a vintage camera enthusiast. Fearing that at any moment he might try to capture her image on a negative without obtaining a model release from her, thus violating her God-given copyright to images of herself, she properly alerted authorities—okay, flight attendants—that he had a device.

She was correct: he did. The device might have been something like a Certo 6 folder with a Synchro-Compur shutter built in East Germany (the former Communist part) in the 1950s. Experts from counter-photography watchdog agencies who monitor the activities of suspicious photographers say it is possible to use this shutter to MacGuyver a detonator for a 1950s Russian nuclear warhead, and that for this reason photographers are always attempting to smuggle these shutters from one terrorist cell to another.

"It's DA BOMB!!"

It was later determined that the passenger was merely engaged in an activity known as "camera fondling" and was not actually planning to take any pictures without permission. However this form of fondling is well known to quickly lead to pederasty and the permitting of male animals to legally marry each other in civil courts with their hoofs or paws on the Holy Bible and with an American flag not all that far away.

Fearful that this aberrant passenger might actually have more vintage cameras in his carry-on or even packed away in the baggage compartment, feet or even inches from the vulnerable essential systems of the jet, pilots immediately panicked, requesting that air traffic control divert the plane to...well, LaGuardia, where it was headed anyway. Air traffic controllers of course complied.

The pilots, however, made the landing as quick and rough as possible in order to heighten the drama, while responders massed on the ground to quickly close in on the deviant. Passengers were rewarded for the scary landing by being allowed to slide down those cool inflatable slides, which is something many passengers—well, okay, many male passengers—have always secretly wanted to do. The vintage camera collector was forced to lie down on the runway while people kept their distance just in case he had a Minox or a Minolta TC-1 secretly duct-taped to his midriff ready to go off.

Some background for context
The public is reminded yet again that photographers are always up to no good. In 1997 following the tragic death of Princess Diana, everyone became hyper-vigilant about the cult of extremist fanatics known as the paparazzi, who relentlessly hound celebrities to death by chasing them to the point of exhaustion and bad judgement, similar to the way English aristocrats on horseback in cool costumes used to molest foxes. (Photographers of any type may be damned by association to paparazzi, because close enough.) Then after 9/11 it became known that anyone photographing the outside of any building or any other feature of our national infrastructure, no matter how remote or insignificant, were secretly planning to blow it up. In response, bored security guards were given carte blanche to harass said terrorists until they went away. These miscreants are often cunningly disguised as tourists and are often seen with camera backpacks or camera bags that probably contain bombs. One telltale is that these "photographers" are constantly seen with different bags. Why? It is believed to be because the old ones were used in the commission of crimes—why else would anyone need so many different bags?*** Finally, anyone taking any picture with a child visible in any part of the image can automatically be deemed a predatory pedophile even in the absence of other evidence. And so forth. 

Torches and pitchforks Dept.
Disappointingly, although the vintage camera collector was detained, he could not be executed or even imprisoned, for the very inconvenient reason that he had not actually broken any, well, you know, laws. But he was definitely stressed out and shamed, which should make him think twice the next time he settles down with a three-quarters-full bottle of cheap Chardonnay and opens up eBay on his browser instead of going to bed.

However, support among the passengers for the heroic actions of everyone involved, from the Governor of New York (who Tweeted soothingly to calm the populace [seriously, she did]), to the police, the fire crews, airport authorities, pilots, cabin crew, and the lady who sounded the alarums, was strong. Some passenger comments in the aftermath:

"You just never know when you're going to be trapped on a flight with one of these freaks. Why can't he just collect guns like everyone else?"

"This was a close one, and I agree with the decisions made. He should be taking pictures with his phone like a normal person."

"Honestly, taking out a camera and fondling it in public? What did he expect would happen? Certain things, like picking your nose or doing Elaine Benes dancing in your undies, you should do in the privacy of your own home."

"I guess this turned out to be just precautionary. But the slide was great. They should let us get off the plane like that every time."

"I was trapped in a window seat next to a Leica collector once, so I know what she was going through. At least she realized she could get an emergency landing and a super-quick deplaning out of it. I wish I had known that."

"You just dread the day when your slightly odd eight-year-old says something like, 'Daddy, what's a view camera?' Your heart just sinks."

In the end, everything was fine. Fox5 News New York got a really alarming news segment out of it to agitate the public with the unimportant half of a story, another photographer was harassed for God and country, and all the survivors had quite an exciting story to tell when they got home, without ever actually having been in any danger.

The advice for air travelers is clear: if you're on a plane and you see someone taking out an old camera, don't think. Scream.

Mike

Disclaimer: I have seen no report yet about what camera(s) the passenger actually had.

*Satire Alert. I was especially miffed by PetaPixel's headline, "Man’s Vintage Camera Mistaken for Bomb, Causes Emergency Landing," the syntax of which clearly implies that it was the man's vintage camera that caused the emergency landing. Whose side are they on?! The asinine woman jumping to completely incorrect conclusions and sounding a false alarm caused the emergency landing, not the poor fellow's vintage camera!

**Re the title: My grandmother, born 1901, used to call a funny story "a scream."

***I was going to link to that amazing video called "Bag World (with Dr. David Alan Harvey, Professor of Bagology)" showing the famous Magnum photographer rummaging through his absolutely vast collection of old camera bags. Sadly for photo-geek culture, that video is no longer available.

Book o' the Week

  Friedlander First Fifty. A very fun little book that gives a tour of the first fifty of Lee Friedlander's books—extra copies of which are apparently stashed all over every floor of his house. By his grandson, who is trying to sell full sets on eBay. This is very enjoyable, but also might be the most unique book about photobooks ever. Who else has published fifty photobooks?

This is a link to Amazon from TOP. The following logo is also a link:

Original contents copyright 2020 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Christopher Kleihege: "Yes, the alleged satire above follows my train of thought exactly. Like I said, the photographer should have taken Amtrak. Remember the old Dudley Do-Right cartoons with the damsel tied to the tracks?"

Don Parsons: "As a former regional pilot and a current teacher of many of Republic Airways pilots, I find this both funny and alarming. Don't people think any more?"

Daniel M: "At first, I was thinking that you have presented a funny story to entertain us. But, with the link you have posted, I have discovered that it was real, very sadly...."

Dillan: "You never know what you're going to read here! That was great! As an aside, I can just imagine your grandmother as a flapper girl in the 1920s, telling her bestie that she had a funny story to tell. 'Oh Gertie, you have to hear this! It's such a SCREAM!'"

John Krumm: "This morning, after dropping off a car at my auto mechanic, I was walking down a residential street with my still new Fuji X100V, taking the occasional photo of interesting houses. A woman came out of one house, loudly saying, 'excuse me' to get me to stop. She was super concerned because I had taken a photo of her neighbor's house and it had kids inside, apparently. She wanted my full name, which I refused, though I did explain I was a hobby photographer, and she can see some of my neighborhood photos on my website. Two blocks later I was talking to a cop, who had received a 'suspicious person' call from said woman. He asked for my ID and checked for warrants, which surprised me. I was in no mood to argue with a cop, but I know that was wrong. Frankly my whole morning was kind of a mess emotionally after that."

Mani Sitaraman: "From the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's news story about the incident. 'The woman was traveling with her husband and children, sitting across the aisle from her spouse, when she spotted another man in her husband’s row scrolling through videos and photos of vintage cameras, sources said.' Life with Mom."

Lee Rust: "I thought you were kidding at first...like a spoof article in The Onion...but no...I looked it up and all the initial news stories were about the threat and the drama and the emergency slides and etc....and then, nothing. 'No further information is available at this time.' it seemed like the 'authorities' were pretty embarrassed and just wanted the story to go away, which it did. Except for here, of course."

Eric Rose: "That lady should be sued by the owner of the camera plus have to pay compensation to all the passengers who were affected by her hysterics. The crew should also be better trained in what is and what is not a bomb. This whole thing just shows how hysterical and unhinged America has become."

scott kirkpatrick: "Two-three days later, it's not news and in several pages of Googling I can't find any further information about who was the photographer or what camera he had. The picture of a TLR was the result of a reporter going to Willoughby-Peerless and asking 'what is a vintage camera?' So not much of a clue. I realize that deep in my Leica bag is an external self-timer. I can imagine the reception I might get if I wound it up in public and let it buzz down to its 'click!' And, at Oren G.'s suggestion, I will never again go out in public with my Pentax Spotmeter in its holster. But why did nothing happen to the lady who caused all the trouble? Neither embarrassment nor education resulting from the moment...."

David Lee: "I hope this woman is added to the no-fly list as soon as possible.

"Years ago in the Denver airport, a TSA guy asked me to take my camera out of my bag so he could inspect it. He started looking at it with that gesture in his face that can only mean 'I won’t get fooled.' He asked me to turn the camera on. I can’t, I said, it’s an old camera, no batteries inside. Then he removed the lens cap and looked through the viewfinder to make sure he could see through the lens (it was a Leica M3). After he convinced himself it was a real camera, he gave it back to me. The funniest thing is that I was one of the pilots in the flight…."

Honesty...Isn't It Refreshing? (OT)

[You dial Customer Service. Phone rings.]

Recording: Hello, you have reached the offices of _______ Corporation. Please listen to all of the following, none of which will apply to you. We need time.

[Long list of options follows. None of it applies to you.]

Now that you've listened to all that, press 2.

[You press 2. Phone rings again. Recording answers again.]

Recording: We are currently using COVID-19 as an excuse to offer poor service. For that reason, you are going to wait on hold for a long time until talking to you suits our convenience. We know your time is just as valuable to you as ours is to us, but we ignore that. You want something from us, which means we have you over a barrel. We make you wait because the longer we make you wait, the greater the chance you'll go away on your own and we won't have to deal with whatever you're calling about.

To increase the chances that you'll hang up on your own, while you are waiting, we are going to make it impossible for you to do your own work! We are going to play a very poorly reproduced snipped of crappy anodyne music over and over and over again until it burns its way into your musically-sensitive brain. As a consequence, the tune will occur to you randomly as you go about your life over the next four days. There will be nothing you can do about it.

[Music starts to play and plays over and over again.]

[After many minutes, music fades, and there's a click, at which you get your hopes up. But it's the...]

Recording: Thank you for waiting, and now we pretend to apologize for our convenience. We're busy helping other people who mean more to us than you do. But now, while we've got you held captive against your will, we're going to play some gratuitous commercials for our services into your ear! Ignoring the obvious fact that you're already our customer. These are going to be irritating and utterly irrelevant to you, to your life, your health, and your increasingly miserable existence, plus they will make it even harder for you to work while you're waiting. We don't care. A consultant told us to do this. He used the word "optimizing," and that was good enough for us.

[Commercials begin to play and continue for several minutes. You let them assault your brain with the fatalism of a prisoner enduring some slow, wearing sort of torture. Just as you are beginning to think pre-suicidal thoughts about the meaningless and futility of continuing to live, the same music comes back on.]

[Music plays over and over again.]

[Music fades again, and there's a click again. Like some sort of Pavlovian dog, you get your hopes up again even though you know better.]

Recording: Hello? Hello? Ha, just kidding, it's still a recording. Still on the line? Well, we're still helping other people who are way more important to us than you are. We would have hoped you'd get that message by now, but evidently you're obstinate. The consultant told us about people like you. When you've had enough of our excellent caller service, you can press eight and leave us a message. We will never respond to that message. We'll say it's because of COVID-19 and that none of this is our fault. Really, though, it has to do with the fact that providing phone service is not a profit-generator for our ownership. In fact, we lose money on it, so the more of you we can make go away, the better.

[Music comes back on and plays over and over again.]

[There's that click again, and you think, ah, no, I'm not falling for that again. Fool me once. Er, twice. But this time, there's a pause, during which you hear the desolate sound of disembodied electronic emptiness, the sound of cavernous endless space that doesn't actually exist, and then...

[A human voice answers! Could it be the recording again? No, it's a real human voice! The effect on you is like the effect on a prisoner in solitary confinement whose cell door has swung open, letting in sunshine and fresh air for the first time in days.]

Human voice, in unidentifiable foreign accent: Good afternoon and thank you for calling ______ , where our call-in service is the best in America and your every need is our top priority. That's what we say—actually that's just scripted boilerplate verbiage, totally meaningless. This is "Doris" and I'm here to shine the light of our corporate power and benevolence on you while we taunt the poor dumb saps we have waiting on other lines.

You: Hello Doris, this is—

Doris: Sorry, can I put you on hold for just one minute?

You: What? No, I've been holding for quite a long time now and—

Doris: Thank you. Just one short minute, very short. Just kidding! That's just what we say. By the way, sometimes when we put people on hold, they get cut off. But...

You: Please don't put me on hold.

Doris: ...But if you get cut off, it's no problem. You can just call us right back!

[Click sound. And...]

[Dial tone.]

Mike

Book o' the Week:

The second edition of old friend Bruce Barnbaum's The Essence of Photography is just out. Bruce wrote for Photo Techniques when I was Editor. I always enjoy his insights into the art and craft, even if his technique isn't the same as mine. I still learn. Mastery is fun to read about.

The above is a link to Amazon from TOP. Here's the new edition of The Essence of Photography at The Book Depository. The following logo is also a link:

Original contents copyright 2020 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Dale Fryar: "Quite possibly your best and most relatable post ever."

Kevin Crosado: "You forgot the half hour of 'Expected wait time less than one minute.'"

Kirk: "Were you here, in my office, just last Monday? Did you overhear my phone call (set to 'speaker phone') as I attempted to make contact with any living organism at the IRS? Because I think you have captured the four hour (yes! four hour) hold time, complete with the same canned music. At the end of four hours there was a garbled message and then the phone clicked off and I was back to dial tone.

"I knew I could go two different ways. Indescribable rage or total capitulation. My better half suggested I take the second course for my mental health's sake. I gave up completely, dropped a check big enough to pay for a new car into an envelope and tottered off to the Post Office to send it along certified mail. It was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. I'm almost certain they will lose this check (again) and we'll start all over. ARGH."

Mike replies: I'm so sorry. That sounds acutely miserable.

Mark Sampson: "You've just written the story of my last two days. I had that experience with no less than five organizations (who shall remain nameless) and I'm almost done, with some success. Remember that corporations have only two goals: 1.) enhanced shareholder value and 2.) increased executive compensation. Providing service advances neither of those. Don't forget to fill out the online survey when you're done, and give them five stars!"

Will: "I had a very similar experience calling my airline this Summer, to address problems with a flight that (at the time of the call) was 14–12 hours away. Same resolution, same overall structure.

"One key difference: instead of hold music, complete dead utter silence. I’d never encountered that before, and it seemed a novel ploy to get you to hang up because it felt like a technical problem (the silence between recordings lasted ten minutes, give or take, each time). I was better able to get stuff done, but I’m not sure I’d choose silence if I could. The feeling of isolation was actually chilling. 'Actively listening' for hours to a dead line, it turns out, is utterly unnerving."

Mike replies: Applecare provides silence as an option, and I much prefer it. It means I can work, and just leave the phone on speaker sitting next time. When they come on, I can break and go back to the call.

But then, I never prefer to listen to bad music. My theory about that is that some people are simply not sensitive to music because they have no aptitude for it, and to them, any music is just pleasant noise. To me, bad music playing everywhere is soul-pollution. When I was a young teenager working in a pharmacy, I found I could identify songs on the PA just from the baselines, which was often all I could hear. When I mentioned this to various co-workers, none of them were aware of listening to anything over the PA at all. But I couldn't ignore it.

Bill Tyler: "Recently, a few customer-friendly companies have offered to call back when the wait time is up, rather than keeping me on the line for an hour. It's worked out rather well. I wish it weren't the exception."

RayC (partial comment): "I've certainly experienced this but I've also found that the phone is no longer the best avenue for support. I had a new inexpensive lens develop a focus issue. Small company/importer of a Chinese lens. My expectations for resolution were low but I sent an email to support and got a response in four hours! With an RMA number! Two weeks in the shop and free return shipping and the lens was back and working flawlessly."

Wayne Bruzek: "That had to be a cable provider!"

Mike replies: Good guess. Actually I started writing that post while going through the menus and being put on hold at my doctor's office. But they actually gave me an early appointment only the next day (I had a hemangioma I thought might be cancerous) and I had a pleasant visit with my doctor (who is very good) and got all my issues resolved. So I can't really complain about the experience that inspired this post, although, like all of us, I've had some other experiences that were pretty bad.

How to Rationalize Buying a New Camera or Lens

Where N is a piece of new gear you do not need but covet, begin by deciding you absolutely cannot afford N; you do not have the money for it and that's that. Conclude that you are not even going to think about it any more.

Next, suddenly realize that you could sell P, where P is a prized possession you already own that still retains a hefty amount of liquidity, such as, for example, a motorcycle, guitar, firearm, or fishing boat.

Research resale value of P, discover excitedly that it would indeed cover cost of N.

Think about it; decide conclusively that yes, you would rather have N than P.

Resolve to sell P.

Decide to go ahead and buy N even though you have not actually listed or sold P yet—it doesn't matter, as you are going to sell P, the actual sequence of events being a mere formality.

When spouse discovers N and once again expresses ongoing disbelief at your incorrigible inanity, protest that you sold P to get it so it's actually just a trade.

Should spouse ask inevitable question, say, "No, but I'm going to."

Procrastinate over selling P, a process which you foresee will be a pain in the butt even though it might not be. Reapply step above as needed. Commence being troubled by fantasized projections of seller's remorse over loss of P.

Let months go by.

Never sell P.

Voilà. Your work is done.

—Mike, who would like you to believe
he has never gone through the above

Book o' the Week

There and Back: Photographs from the Edge by Jimmy Chin (available for preorder). "Filmmaker, photographer, and world-class mountaineer Jimmy Chin goes where few can follow to capture stunning images in death-defying situations. There and Back draws from his breathtaking portfolio of photographs, captured over twenty years during cutting-edge expeditions on all seven continents—from skiing Mount Everest, to an unsupported traverse of Tibet's Chang Tang Plateau on foot, to first ascents in Chad’s Ennedi Desert and Antarctica’s Queen Maud Land."

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Original contents copyright 2020 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Kenneth Tanaka: "So did you buy that Sony yet, or not?"

Mike replies: You are astute, my Chicago friend. Alas, my powers of rationalization have deserted me, or my natural miserliness is exercising the upper hand for the time being.

Leon Droby: "This is sooooo creepy. How did you get inside my head?"

Helcio J. Tagliolatto: "I just did this last week. A flawless Mamiya C330s, latest model, seduced me. I already have an excellent C330...'f.' I thought: I'll sell the 'old' one (they're all old...), and I've noticed they sell fast on eBay. I received the 's' today and, on second thought, I decided not to sell the 'f.'"

Rob Griffin: "Your expertly detailed rational is exactly why I presently own six pretty nice acoustic guitars. I seem to do better at selling camera equipment when I have promised to, but the guitars keep hanging around somehow. If there was a KEH guitar company that came to town once in a while buying guitars, I might do a little better at keeping my guitar promises to my very patient wife."

paul in AZ: "My father had a simple solution for things we kids coveted. For something minor and inexpensive he would say to come back for the money later today or tomorrow morning. By then we usually forgot what it was that we had wanted. The bigger it got, the longer the interval got. Days, weeks, end of month etc. Amazing how much crap I didn't buy. I still use that on myself occasionally."

Mike replies: Wise man, your dad.

Sunday Support Group: What the Fuji X-H1 Is Not Good For

SA*

I remember hearing years ago that veteran daily photographers never switched cameras lightly, because "you lose a year"—that is, it takes a year before the new camera is completely familiar and its use second nature.

So I constructed this handy chart:

Average length of time photographers used film cameras: 10 years

Average amount of time it took to become fully familiar with a new film camera: one year

It struck me at the time that this was not something to be casually dismissed. It seemed like a lot to risk a whole 10% of your working life to a camera that was not yet fully familiar to you. But then, it was a necessary evil, every so often.

Then it occurred to me that these numbers would be different for digital cameras, so I added the following to my chart:

Average length of time photographers use digital cameras: three years

Average amount of time it takes to become fully familiar with a new digital camera so its use becomes second nature: more than three years

The equation has changed somewhat!

Still learning the ins and outs of the X-H1
and getting used to it,
Mike

ADDENDUM: Look what Ned Bunnell had to say on his Instagram this very day! A nice coincidence. Charles Harbutt's Travelog is one of the great forgotten books of the hippie generation, in case you don't recognize the name.

P.S. Do you use aftermarket books like the one linked to learn your cameras?

P.P.S. The $999 closeout price of the X-H1 is still a spectacular bargain, but note that they are almost gone (the link is to Amazon; B&H doesn't have any left) and the camera's mysterious unpopularity probably means there won't be an X-H2.

Consider: 1.) it's not even two years old yet. 2.) it was originally priced at $1,900. 3.) its development cost was very likely a great big honking whack. 4.) $999 is less than: a.) a Sony RX100 Mark VII point-and-shoot; b.) a Nikon D750 on sale, c.) a Sony A6600 on sale; d.) a Fuji X-T30 with kit lens; e.) a Canon 90D; f.) a Panasonic G9 Micro 4/3 camera on sale; g.) either of its Fuji stablemates the X-T3 and the X100f; h.) an Olympus E-M5 Mark III; i.) a Ricoh GRIII; j.) a used 1984 Leica M6; k.) 20 sushi dinners at $50 each including tip; l.) one Starbuck's Pumpkin Spice Latte Venti every morning on the way to work for less than a year; m.) a mere six pairs of Ugg boots. Now, admittedly, the X-H1 is not good for keeping your toes toasty while padding around the house on Winter days, while also standing up to occasional trips outdoors while the dogs pee (I covet a pair of Ugg boots, but cannot bring my cheap self to drop the toll). But then, you cannot ask a camera to do everything.

*Satire Alert.

Original contents copyright 2019 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.

Keep The Online Photographer alive via Patreon

(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Neil Swanson: "I jumped on the $999 bundle. I had an X-Pro2, with the three 'crons, and had never handled an X-H1 at all. The specs were very good and the price, well how could I not. Turns out I like camera very very much. I truly don't understand complaints of its size. Without the grip its small. If you'd been shooting Nikon D3 or D4 cameras you've gotta laugh at size complaints. What do these guys shoot, Minox? The X-Pro2 was my first mirrorless so I had nothing to compare it to. When I got the X-H1 I discovered a much better EVF. It is my first camera with a folding back display. The shutter release and the sound of the shutter is crazy good. Very much like the best Leica M2 I ever had after service by DAG. The X-H1 is my first IBIS camera. Love that.

"So what did I do? I sold the year old X-Pro2 and got an X-Pro3. The EVF is large and improved, folding rear display, fine, not an issue for me. The AF is screaming good now. So much of what I like in the X-H1 is now in the X-Pro3.

"Knowing there may not be an X-H2 is sad. The X-H1 s excellent. It needs little improvement. Add the latest sensor and AF guts and boom, done. An X-H1 with a grip and a 'cron is a fantastic package. I used it alongside my D4S shooting a show at the Beacon Theater in NYC. It was a breeze working one to the other.

"I really want an X-H2. Please build it."

Dogman (partial comment): "Aftermarket books? Oh, yeah. These days I seldom even open the manufacturer's owner's manual. It seems they delight in arranging the manuals in such a way that confusion ensues. All of the aftermarket books I've used have been better prepared and more useful. And I always buy them in e-book format. Kindle app in the iPhone means the book is always with me."

Stan B.: "I think the 'problem' with the X-H1 is that it's an 'in between' product like the Leica M5 or M8. That is, it incorporates proven technology into a package that some find unattractive, and others have already found just fine elsewhere...."

Hugh: "I have bought the following: Canon 5D, 2005; Canon 5D2, 2008; Canon 5D3, 2012; Canon 5D4, 2016; Canon 100D (SL-1), 2017; Canon RP mirrorless, 2018. Only looked at the instruction books for the 5D4 and RP to set up the WiFi transfer. The rest is essentially the same camera. Who cares if there are better cameras from other makers...my muscle memory hasn't needed retraining, and I never need to look at the camera to change settings. If I'd bought Nikon, I'd have followed the same pattern. Life is too short to change camera systems. Plus, I don't need to spend money on new lenses."

Dillan: "I just bought a new EOS R on Boxing Day (December 26—it's kind of like Black Friday for Canadians). I can attest that the EOS R is way more complicated than my last camera, an original 5D. There are so many features and adjustments available, it makes my 5D look like something from another age. Three years to become proficient? That might be true!"

DavidB: "Thom Hogan's (bythom.com) Nikon camera guides are always excellent. I've used the D700 and D750 guides."

Mike Ferron: "It takes the average Olympus user approximately one year just to activate the very useful 'Super Control Panel'!"

Greg: "Have been using Nikon D700's since they first came out in 2008. When I shoot sports I use a D4, when I need to a D850, but for 95% of my images I rely on the D700's since their operation is second nature to me after all these years. Guess I just don't fit into the three year cycle...."

Mike replies: That speaks very well for the durability of the D700.

Dan Khong: "When one changes cameras, it's not like changing a car in which one gives up one car to trade to a new car. Most times, there is an overlap between owning a new camera till one sells the older camera and even that might not always happen."

Mike replies: Good point.

The Gettysburg Address on the Internet

SA*

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK FOR MORE LIFESTYLE NEWS dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting CARNIVAL CRUISE VACATIONS place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate—we can not consecrate—we can not hallow—this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add

People also search for: Mary Todd Lincoln Lincoln Navigator Linkin Park

or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced.

Super Bowl MVP chugs beer on Jumbotron at Bruins game to the delight of crowd. "Julian Edelman chugging a beer was awesome," Bruins coach Bruce Cassidy said at the end of the game.

It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this Nationwide is on your side nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

—@realAbrahamLincoln
November 19, 1863

Like 4,275     Dislike 832

-

Mike

*Satire Alert

[Ed. Note: The text of the speech used here is that of the Bliss Copy.]

P.S. And then for the next twelve days after reading this, you'll get targeted ads and emails for funeral homes.

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(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Benjamin Marks: "GOL. "Groan Out Loud" Funny/Queasy. The only tropes you missed were the ubiquitous 'list' ('15 Gettysburg tips that experts want you know'), 'belly fat,' and the trailing headline, 'Gettysburg Experts were astonished by these weird Lincoln habits.' Wait. Maybe only I get "news" stories about belly fat...."

Larry Gebhardt (partial comment): "Those 'Sponsored Stories' blocks are enough to make me stop using the Internet. I can feel myself getting dumber just seeing them on the page."

Bob Keefer: "The problem is, this isn't even remotely satire any longer."

Adam Richardson: "The Gettysburg Address in PowerPoint is old Internet classic, but still good for a laugh."

More on the Nikon Z7III

SA*

The Internet thinks the new Nikons tomorrow will be called the "Z6" and "Z7." In a stunning scoop, TOP has just learned that, thanks to an 11th-hour decision by Nikon top management, which is NOT in a collective cold sweat over all this, the high-resolution 45-MP-sensor one of the pair will actually be called the "Z7III." Nikon spokesmodel Flibber T. Gibbett called the unconventional move "daring" and said, "Nikon always thinks out of the box and goes places no others have gone before. This naming is to better distinguish us from our main rival. So that everyone will be completely certain who we are better than, and know which product to buy in preference to theirs. We want to be sure this is emphasized."

Why add the "III," when there have not already been a "null" and "II" versions as with the competitor's models?

Gibbett answered that the III in Nikon's case is not a version or variant number, but is sophisticated subliminal advertising meant to remind rich people of successful, rich, and super-cool people with Roman numerals in their names such as Paris Hilton boyfriend Stavros Niarchos III, Green Bay Packers football star Clay Matthews III, Rigdon Osmond "Rick" Dees III, Coy Luther "Luke" Perry III, Alexander Rae "Alec" Baldwin III, former President of the Philippines Benigno S. Aquino III, and Marshall Bruce Mathers III a.k.a. "Eminem."

But not the conniving hunchback Richard III or mad King George III who lost the colonies to independence? Said Gibbett helpfully, "We do not want to be associated with dead kings."

We politely mentioned that we had supposed the III might be homages to the famous 19th century actors Bandō Mitsugorō III and his archrival Nakamura Utaemon III. (Japanese, you know.) But here Mr. Gibbett got agitated and corrected us, saying "No! No! Those guys are dead too! We are not associated with anyone who is dead! That is off message!"

Recovering his composure, he exclaimed, with great feeling, "The whole Internet is talking about us!"

...Which it is. The king is not dead.

We expect the name "Z7III" to be officially confirmed tomorrow....

Always first with important predictions,

Mike

*This post is satire, of course. In fact, nothing could possibly be farther from the name "A7" than the name "Z7."

Original contents copyright 2018 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.

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(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

John Camp: "Mike said, 'The Internet thinks...' LOL."

Mike replies: A few things I've learned on Internet lately:

• People get excessively drunk sometimes.
• Cranes fall over.
• Forklifts can be overloaded.
• Attempts to show off can go wrong.
• Totally shocking and unforeseen, but people grow older and then look different than they used to.
• People, especially Russians, are bad drivers.
• Obese people are sometimes not as athletic as they think they are.
• And the biggie, which continually fascinates Internet viewers: people fall down.

And something unfortunate: most people are apparently not very sympathetic when other people, even their own children, hurt themselves.

But the Internet does show us some really interesting things too. For instance, here's an improbable "capture" of lightning hitting a tree; I'm not sure I've ever seen anything like that before. [Warning: NSFW profanity at the link.]

Signed, a Guy on the Internet.

Josh Hawkins: "Give it a year. We’ll have the DZ7V MKII iBVR EX AF R, because that’s how naming conventions go and it just won’t end. Why can’t it end?!"

What Is Wrong With You Guys?

I acknowledge that I'm a dinosaur, and therefore supposed to think things like this, but...I find many vloggers intensely annoying sometimes. Not all of them, but even some of the allegedly good ones. Random examples from the last two camera vids I started watching:

Random vlogger 1 explains Fuji sensors: "...X-Trans sensors. That's that magic Fuji technology in there, that honeycomb technology some people refer to it as, where it just delivers a lot of goodness in those sensors is what [sic] people love the X series. Something to be aware of with the X-T100 is, it does not have an X-Trans sensor. So it doesn't have the same sensor as the X-T20. It's got a...downgraded sensor if you will. Still a very good sensor, still 24 megapixels, just not an X-Trans. So just be aware, I think the X-T100 is going to be a great offering, I think it's going to sell well. Be aware if you're buying that, to realize that you're not getting the X-Trans sensor."

No magic Fuji technology in X-T100. Got it.

Random vlogger 2 explains Leica lens names: "...Now, if you don't know what 'Summilux' means, Summilux is basically just Leica's top series lens, so it would be like a gold ring from Nikon, or like a red ring from Canon lenses, or a G Master from Sony lenses, but, it's just their sharpest lens. It also has to do with the amount of light that comes through the lens, so a Summilux is anywhere from 1.4 to 1.8, and then ƒ/2 to ƒ/2.8 I think is Summicron, and then, you know, any aperture wider open than 1.4 is what's called Noctilux, and that's just the most light that comes through the lens. Some people would argue that's the top-of-the-line Leica lens, just because it's the most expensive series of lenses, but they're super soft, and you have to really love that look, so I wouldn't say that they're the sharpest lenses that Leica makes, even though they're the most expensive lenses that Leica makes. The Summilux, on the other hand, is the sharpest lens that Leica makes for their cameras."

Got it. Summilux = sharpest.

Anyway, you can see why people much prefer video reviews to written ones. They're just so much easier to understand. Without all that, you know, hard reading.

Who?
And I have a question. Why are they eternally addressing me as "you guys"? Do they think I'm sitting here in the company of my betatted friend-posse or something? That we go everywhere all joined at the hips? That, as we're being so addressed, we're all gathered around my computer, eyes eagerly glued to the screen as one of us surfs Web flotsam? (Or are we making these decisions in near-synchrony, like the movements of a school of small fish or a flock of sparrows?) Or, perhaps I'm supposed to imagine all the other singular, individual audience members out there in the world somewhere, sitting glumly in their mothers' basements at their spaceship-cockpit computer gaming stations, alone, watching along with me, and I'm meant to identify with them strongly enough to consider myself part of a group with them? Shudder.

There's only one of me here. I'm not a "you guys," I'm just a...guy. Singular. One. One guy. That's the extent of it in my household. I take no responsibility for, and claim no solidarity with, anyone anywhere else who might be wasting their time in the same manner and at exactly the same time as I am. Any chance vlogging (and video ads) will outgrow the brainless prattling about "you guys" any time soon?

Noo!
Speaking of brainless prattle, I turned on X-M Radio the other day to find a dj gushing about "all the iconic Saturday-morning cartoon theme music." Really?I know it's old hat to complain about the overuse of the word "iconic," but the complaining has not seemed to have much effect yet.

I thought maybe we could all just calm down for a moment to recall that the original meaning of the term icon was "a representation of a sacred personage—Jesus Christ, the Virgin Mary, or a saint, or angel—that was itself venerated as sacred."

Considering that etymology, the theme music to "Scooby Doo" does not quite rise to the adjective in my opinion, I'm sorry.

Just as soon as everyone on YouTube drops "you guys," maybe we can all replace the word iconic with the word familiar. I've been quietly doing this substitution in my head for a week or so now, and I haven't yet encountered a single instance where it doesn't work perfectly well, or well enough. "Familiar theme music from Saturday morning cartoons," for example, parses just fine and actually sounds like someone reasonable is talking.

Whenever you hear the word "iconic," substitute "familiar" to yourself and see if it's an improvement. Let me know if you encounter a phrase out there in the wild where it doesn't work at all—I'd be curious as to just what that would be.

If I knew what noise dinosaurs made, I'd make it right now! Somewhere between a harrumph, a whinny and a "nay," I'd guess.  :-)

Mike

Original contents copyright 2018 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.

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(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Jim Kofron: "Mike, that was an iconic rant...."

Ernie Van Veen: "Every time I hear 'you guys' in a video or podcast, I immediately think, 'who me?' in the familiar voice of Scooby Doo."

Joe: "I'm literally sick to death of all this constant misuse of language!"

Mike replies: Saw what you did there.

David Saxe: "'Vlogging' can be a bit weird at times. One of the things that annoys me most is how they seem so 'peppy' and excited to to see me even though they can't. If someone greeted me on the street like that, I would be very concerned."

toto: "One good thing about some vloggers' vlogs is that your [sic] spared from having to decipher there [sic] poor spelling."

Mike replies: I resemble that remark!

Mani Sitaraman: "Video reviews and vlogging are a form of sequential access data storage, which is the least efficient way to store information for retrieval. It is exactly akin to an old cassette or reel-to-reel tape, where you had to wind the tape, tediously, to find the beginning of a particular song. And if there were no index numbers to indicate where the song began, good luck. Written reviews are much better, and a form of semi-sequential access. The eye can scan rapidly at random for key words, and then begin reading words (and thus absorbing information) in sequence, in sentence form, from the point where you perceive a keyword of interest to you. Videos are a truly terrible way of doing equipment reviews, unless the process of reviewing itself is a story that needs to be told in sequence. Top Gear automobile reviews are a good example. There has to be a strong reason to use a video as a narrative medium, and a natural fit. And that fit happens when there is an unavoidably sequential narrative to the material. Step-by-step instructions are well suited, but an equipment review is usually not."

Mike replies: Very well said Mani. (Wish I'd written that.)

Henry Petroski's fascinating but extraordinarily in-depth book The Book on the Bookshelf documents the change from scrolls, which have the same problem as videos, to books with "leaves" (pages). I lived with a guy on a farm in Vermont who had all his music on reel-to-reel tapes—many albums per tape. About the only option was to start one and let it run—which provided all the freedom of choice of listening to the radio.

How to Become a Successful Fine Art* Photographer

Guest post by Gordon Lewis

SA**

Do you want to see your photographs shown and celebrated in art galleries, modern art museums, monographs, collections, and all them other high-class places? Well my friend, that won’t be easy. The fine art photography scene is a hard nut to crack, and worth the effort only if you are really into nuts. (That was just a metaphor. Don’t read too much into it.) But if recognition in the art photography world is truly your goal, here are a few tips from an outsider’s point-of-view on how to do it.

Have an exotic-sounding name.

You’ll never get anywhere with a name like Bob Brown, Karen Carlson, or Mike Johnston. Bijan Ravishanker is more like it. Better yet, strive for being recognized solely by either your first or last name, not both. If everyone knows you by a single name, even if it’s Rufus, you have truly arrived.

Be provocative.

If you aren’t shocking, annoying, prurient, blasphemous, or at the very least, irritating, then it’s clear you’re not putting real effort into your work. If you are so reckless as to allow your photographs to popular among the masses, how do you expect anyone in the art world to take you seriously? (And frankly, why would you need their support anyway?)

Embrace conceptual, not representational, art.

Anyone can take a photograph of a street scene, a landscape, or a cat. It takes a real artist to create a photograph of a cheap motel room that features an unmade bed, cracked mirror, sheets stained with urine, and a half-eaten watermelon resting on the pillow. (You will search the web in vain for such a photograph, by the way. I made it up. See how clever and conceptual I am?)

Print extra-large.

Your images have to be measured in feet, not inches; meters, not centimeters. Unless it takes at least two people to carry one of your framed prints and mount it on a wall, it’s obvious you never had any intention of seeing it displayed in a museum or a multi-million dollar mansion. The odds are that you may only sell three or four of these prints in your entire lifetime, but if the price makes it appear that the comma is at least two digits too far to the right, you’ll still do fine.

Print extra-small.

If you have the foresight to begin your career as a fine art photographer in poverty, then the extra-large strategy will present obvious challenges and contradictions. So, print extra-small instead. That way you can comfortably and confidently pitch a narrative about how your small prints are so much more intimate, remove the distance between your work and the viewer, reflect a “less is more” sensibility, etc. Your prints can still be exorbitantly priced though. You are still a serious artist, after all.

Go to art school.
This won’t necessarily make you a better fine art photographer. What it will do is expose you to the movers and shakers in the art world, teach you the rules of the game, and provide much-needed bona fides. Let’s face it: No matter how good a photographer you are, having been a member of the Colorado School of Mines photography club does not have quite the same cachet as being a graduate of the Art Institute of Chicago.

Be deceased.
It is so much easier for art critics to build a mythos around you and your work if you’re not around to contradict it. It’s also a lot easier for dealers to hype the value of your existing body of work if you are not around to produce more.

Can I guarantee you that embracing these tips will rocket you to fame and fortune? Of course not. It’s no accident I omitted other important factors such as talent and determination. But let’s face it, if fame and fortune were really what you wanted you’d be better off pursuing a career in reality TV or becoming a lottery winner. Your odds of success, in my humble opinion, would be about the same.

 Gordon

*I don’t mean to imply that "fine art" is somehow better than "regular art"—though many people mean exactly that. I am only using the term as a way to distinguish fine art from applied arts, such as pottery, or decorative arts, such as tapestries.

**Satire Alert

Old friend Gordon Lewis, originally a colleague of Mike's from Camera & Darkroom magazine and later the writer of the blog Shutterfinger, is the author of Street Photography: The Art of Capturing the Candid Moment, published by Rocky Nook. He lives in Philadelphia. In a former life, he wrote television sitcoms in Hollywood.

©2018 by Gordon Lewis, all rights reserved

Original contents copyright 2018 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.

B&H Photo • Amazon US • Amazon UK
Amazon Germany • Amazon Canada • Adorama

(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Grant: "I'm confused. I thought this was supposed to be satire."

James Hildreth: "Shutterfinger, please come back to life."

Mike adds: Shhh! He might hear you.

John Camp: "If anyone would be interested in a serious and comprehensive treatment of Gordon's satire, I would recommend Art: A New History by Paul Johnson. First published about fifteen years ago, it's still available on Amazon. Johnson reviews the whole history of art going back to the paleolithic (it's a lavishly illustrated, large-format book more than 700 pages long) but when he gets to the 20th Century, he details what he calls 'fashion art' in which novelty and public relations skills become more important that the art object itself. The book is controversial, especially with the people he excoriates: gallery owners, museum curators more interested in ideologies than in art, and artists more interested in money than in art itself. Among them: Picasso, who he portrays as the godfather of fashion art."

Geoff Wittig: "There's a sharp dichotomy in the painting world. On one side we have contemporary art, which tends to be just like Gordon Lewis describes: self-consciously hip and snarky, pretty much adhering to what prominent (i.e. catering to wealthy collectors) art dealers deem is 'real art.' The witty concept is the point; craft is basically irrelevant. On the other side is 'representational art,' what most folks would recognize as paintings that depict something real: landscapes, portraits and so on, with an emphasis on technical skill as well as vision.

"Representational art is generally dismissed by the wealthy hipsters as 'kitsch.' But folks who can see that the emperor has no clothes tend to like it."

vince garofalo: "I have been very successful with my series of potential photographs for many years. I'm getting a camera soon...."

Mike replies: My art-school mentor, Steve Szabo, once threatened to have a show consisting of photographs hung to face the wall. All viewers would see would be the backs of the frames. Steve would be seated in a chair in the middle of the gallery and he would describe in words what each photograph looked like, to anyone who asked.

Taking CES By Storm

[Ed. Note: Our Winter Print Sale is in Day 2 of 5.
Here's the post about it and here's the order page.]

SA

As everyone knows, all of the talk at CES has been about one innovative, breakthrough product: the new Nikon D5600. Lines are deep at the Nikon booth, while crickets chirp everywhere else in the hall. It's all anyone is talking about, all anyone wants to see.

As one excited showgoer cried out, "I wanted something just exactly like my D5500, but just enough better to be noticeable, and this is it!" Another said he had come "a very long way" to reassure himself about what the new camera felt like to hold. "At first it was disorienting," he admitted, "but I stood there motionless, gripping the camera in my hand and keeping anyone else from looking at it, and it began to feel like a budget Nikon DSLR to me. And I said to myself, yes...yes...this feels right."

We were able to catch up with D. Functionary Minion, Nikon's Associate Assistant Head of Blatherskite and Salespatter, by rescuing her from the press of humanity at the Nikon booth and treating her to a triangle of cold pizza-like substance and fizzless sugary-water at a dirty table near the grimy, dispiriting concessions stand here at Tech North-by-Northwest.

TOP: Greetings, Functionary—may I call you Functionary?—first of all, please explain to us all the fresh thinking and innovation that went into this new camera.

D. Functionary Minion: Actually, my friends all call me "D. Funct." You're welcome to call me "Ms. Minion." And for starters, this new camera replaces our long established and much-loved D5500 model, which was a worldwide success. Right here, if you'll look closely, you can see what's probably the biggest outward sign of all the changes inside.

TOP: You're pointing to the "D5600" badge.

Ms. Minion: Exactly! Very perceptive.

TOP: So what's the significance there?

Ms. Minion: Well, which is more, 5600 or 5500?

TOP: You're actually waiting for me to answer? Fifty-six hundred is a higher number.

Ms. Minion: Exactly. How much more, would you say?

TOP: One hundred more?

Ms. Minion [laughing]: I can see why they let you blog from your mother's basement! That was the overarching "deep principle" of our Nikon engineers in Japan—the new camera must accord with the ancient samurai principle of jumanji, which means "give them at least one hundred more."

TOP: Not all bloggers actually work in their mother's basements, you know. I work on my front porch. And I don't think jumanji means...

Ms. Minion: ...No, there's nothing much else new on the camera...that can be seen on the outside. But inside is a completely different story! A very different story.

TOP: Why don't you tell me that story.

Ms. Minion: Basically, we have sprinkled what is known inside the company as "magic eye-eye dust" all over the camera.

TOP: And what is "eye-eye" dust?

Ms. Minion: It stands for "incremental improvement."

TOP: Got it. And what incremental improvements are there?

Ms. Minion. Oh, a bunch of them. There are lots. All sorts of them.

TOP: Such as, specifically?

Ms. Minion: Are you ready? This camera can communicate wirelessly...through the air.

TOP: Do you mean it's got Wi-Fi?

Ms. Minion: It's magic, blogger. Something never before known.

TOP: Well, I agree it seems miraculous, but actually it's been around for...

Ms. Minion: Our marketing tagline is "Connected. Just Like a Smartphone. Only Not Quite As Convenient."

TOP: Speaking as a wordsmith, that's not a very compelling tagline.

Ms. Minion: The D5600 is an extremely capable little camera!

TOP: Agreed. But wasn't the D5500 an extremely capable little camera?

Ms. Minion: No.

TOP: No? Why not?

Ms. Minion: Because we don't need it to be.

TOP: Your predecessor seemed to think pretty highly of it two years ago.

Ms. Minion: We needed it to be then. We're not on that cycle any more. We're on this cycle. Marketing doesn't target all corporate products, you know, only the products that are in the selling cycle. The D5600 is the absolute latest thing. It's bleeding-edge new.

TOP: Well, actually it's been around since last November in the rest of the world.

Ms. Minion: I only handle North America. May I have another piece of pizza?

TOP: You liked that? I thought it was pretty close to the worst pizza I ever let past my lips. It was cold and old. The crust was soggy and the cheese was congealed.

Ms. Minion: Yes, it tasted like wet carpet. May I have another piece? Please don't make me go back to the booth.

TOP: Given that it was nine dollars a slice, I'm afraid you're going to have to buy your own this time.

Ms. Minion: Deal, sad blogger-boy.

TOP: Boy? I'm almost sixty years old!

Ms. Minion [puts her hand on my shoulder]: Aww. There there. I know. Last year at this time I was working in a knit shop in the desert south of town. Would you like another piece?

TOP: Can't you see I haven't even eaten this piece?

Ms. Minion: Oh, but I'm sure that old one is gone. They've probably put out a whole new pie by now. It's probably just out of the oven and it's sizzling fresh and steaming hot. Oooh—ooh—yum! I can just about smell it from here.

TOP: Right as you said that, I imagined I smelled the aroma of hot pizza.

Ms. Minion: It's just what you want. Picture it in your head. Exactly like you like it. The latest thing, new and beautiful and as good as they can make it! Oh so good! It'll be delicious! Fresh, tasty and satisfying!

TOP: You're good at this.

Ms. Minion: Thanks.

TOP: Here's nine dollars. Don't buy it unless it's actually better.

[After several minutes, Ms. Minion returns with two more slices of pizza on paper plates.

TOP: Hey! This looks just like the first slice.

Ms. Minion: Nope! This time there are mushrooms. See? It's better.

TOP: Let me guess: one hundred better?

Ms. Minion: [laughs] You're seeing how this works. Eat up, fat sad old blogger! We all need our strength this week.

Mike
(SA = Satire Alert)

P.S. Joking aside, the D5600 costs only $697 and offers very good image quality for the price. Here is the list of all the new products from CES '17 in Las Vegas.

Original contents copyright 2017 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.

Hot pizza!
Give Mike a “Like” or Buy yourself something nice

(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Roger Cicala: "First, thank you for the laughs. Second, thank you for reminding me why I don't go to CES anymore. A great read to start my day."

Juha Haataja: "What a nice start to the day to read this in the morning, well done indeed. Well, what can a marketeer do if the engineers keep on turning out the same product again and again? Given that, I'm quite happy that there hasn't been an announcement of an upgrade to the Panasonic LX100, thank you very much. And if there is, please don't mention it. (Even though 'LX200' would be exactly one hundred more.)"

kirk tuck: "Can't buy the D5600. Am saving money for their 'Key Mission' camera. According to their advertising 92% of Americans want one now. I don't know what the hell it is but if 92% of Americans want one how can I go wrong? But I have a question I was hoping someone here could answer...is it just a Go-Pro with a different logo slapped on the front? Did they just rush out some rebadged Nikon Go-Pros?

"Is the Key Mission some sort of routine to keep track of one's car keys? Is that the whole mission or is part of it to record 'intimacy' as suggested in their survey of American buyers? Some 15% indicated they desired a 'Key Mission' to record their hanky panky. That's a lot of Americans!

"But then I read the (almost invisible) fine print and found out that the math genii at Nikon marketing were able to extrapolate all these percentages and numbers from a survey group of a little over a thousand self-selected poll takers.

"New math. Now that it's socially okay to lie about...anything I guess camera advertising is going to become exciting again. Go Nikon!!!"

hugh crawford: "When I read that I thought you were just making up the word blatherskite. But it turns out that it is not only a real word but is just as scatological as I imagined. Not only that, but I learned 'cheapskate' has nothing to do with skating! It seems our Scottish ancestors not only wore kilts but knew their s***."

The Kidding Camera

Ralph Kidding, of Kidding Camera Company, yesterday held a press conference to announce Kidding's new camera. We've removed all the interesting bits of his talk and just extracted clues to the technical specs of the new camera, because that's the only thing anybody is interested in. Here are some high points from Ralph's presentation. Warning—he's a kidder.

• The new camera will have an actual name rather than a hard-to-remember designation consisting of alphanumeric hash.

Kidding! It will be called the ZRZ-01.1X Mark I. That's to distinguish it from our Z-RX 011X Mark I, which is an entirely different camera, and the competitor's XRZ-01.1Z Mark I.

• Frame rate is only four frames per second, slow enough to require users to actually pay attention to what they're shooting and anticipate the optimum moment of exposure, but fast enough to be ready for the next shot.

Kidding! It shoots at 16 frames per second. Point it and hit it, you ought to get something.

• The camera is made larger than absolutely necessary because we thoughtfully studied optimal ergonomics for adult hands. It's designed to be comfortable and secure to hold and operate.

Kidding! We made it as small as possible, because we could. It's the size of a pack of cigarettes, and there's no place to hold it. You have to operate it holding it uncomfortably with your fingertips. But don't grab it the wrong way, because you'll be sure to hit a button by mistake and change a setting.

• There's just one autofocus point so you always know where it's focused, shown by a small rectangle in the viewfinder that changes from red to green to confirm focus. Switch the lens to manual focus and focus peaking comes on; half press the shutter and all the focusing aids disappear.

Kidding! There are 59 AF points that randomly light up, come off and on in delightful patterns, and never go away. Some of the 59 rectangles don't even correspond to focusing points, but they look good. Plus, we'll decide what our camera will focus on. It's our camera. Who do you think you are?

• However, it focuses securely even in very low light and locks on extremely quickly.

Kidding! The important thing is the top spec, for marketing purposes. You won't notice it isn't consistent until after you bought it, and by then, well, to be honest, we don't care.

• We kept the controls to a functional minimum, to enable operating the camera to become second nature.

Kidding! We loaded it with as many dials and buttons as possible. All of them do many different things, all are very complicated to set, and some of the controls even change functions spontaneously to remind you of what else they can do. Several buttons don't do anything but create pleasant noises and nice lights in the viewfinder!

• We kept the features to a minimum too. We build dedicated accessories that make our equipment configurable for different kinds of work.

Kidding! It's all about the shopping checklist. Whoever has more, wins. We load up on the features even if they work so poorly they're useless.

• The controls are designed to be silky smooth and pleasant to the touch, with a beautiful feel, and solid and durable for long-term consistency.

Kidding! We didn't even think of that.

• No video. If you build a boat, it's made to either be rowed, sailed, or propelled by an engine. No boat does all three well.

Kidding! Boats!?! We build cameras. We've got eighty guys at this company who don't even care if the camera does stills.

• Menus are for restaurants. Our camera can be hard-configured when connected to a computer, but the in-camera controls are minimal. For instance, there is no JPEG processing at all because we find that 99% of our customers process using standalone software.

Kidding! This baby has eighteen layers of menus, all denoted by enigmatic symbols, and none of the layers has options that all fit on one screen—they all have to be scrolled. Plus, we've used names for every function that are proprietary to our company alone. It's all right there in the 585-page manual.

• The viewfinder is critical to the photographer's interface with the world, so it's large, clear, and bright, and never obscured by informational overlays during the act of shooting. 

Kidding! Viewfinders? [Sing-song voice] Af-ter-thought. There's all kinds of stuff you can put on there. We have nine different combinations of clutter for the viewfinder, all of them really cool and futurey-looking. As a joke, one of the viewfinder configurations makes it impossible to see anything through it at all. And one screen can't be gotten out of. You have to turn off the camera and turn it back on. No reason, we just thought that was funny.

• As a courtesy to loyal customers, we're not inflating the price on introduction so we can stimulate sales with deep discounts later, destroying the investment of early adopters. We've chosen one very fair price that we intend to stick to.

Kidding! Gouge, baby, gouge! Plus, we'll be replacing this in two years, clearing out the old model for pennies on the dollar. Our customers better be ready to live for the moment. Clock's ticking! Carpe diem, baby! It's all about the churn!

• Also as a courtesy to customers, we have designed the sensor and processor as a factory-replaceable module. Future upgrades might cost 60% of the cost of this camera, because the development cost of sensors and processors is a large part of the cost of a digital camera, but at least our customers won't have to replace bodies they're used to and expensive accessories they've collected that fit those bodies, nor get used to a whole new suite of controls. Our cameras are accordingly made not only to last, but to wear beautifully.

Kidding! That would be insane. Might as well take a hatchet to the neck of the goose that lays the golden eggs. Bodies are disposable. Want the latest sensor, you gotta pay us for the rest. Heck, half the time we change stuff just to change it, no other reason. Makes sense though, because in three years this thing will look old enough to enter college. We live in the disposable age. Get with the program.

• Because the sensor and processor is a module, it was easy to make the camera configurable out of the gate. You can choose one of three sensors based on your own needs. No more paying for more pixels than you want or having to buy different bodies for different purposes.

Kidding! One size fits all, all the toppings every time.

[And so forth.]

Thanks, Ralph. We look forward to the announcement of the ZRZ-01.1X Mark II, two years from now. In the meantime it will be great fun to speculate about all the things that might be different about it, and then argue about the speculations as if they were true, while we hugely exaggerate the very small flaws of the Mark I, half of which are only theoretical anyway. The Mark I ships as soon as you're all bored with talking about it.

Mike

Disclaimer: No commentary on any particular camera or company intended.

Original contents copyright 2016 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.

TOP's links!

(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

adamct (partial comment): "Oh, but Kidding Camera Company did away with 585-page manuals a long time ago. Now there is a PDF, downloadable from the Kidding Camera Support website, that is 400 pages long, with the same 25 pages of content appearing in 16 different languages. The manual was originally drafted in Mullukmulluk, then translated (poorly) into the other 15 languages.

"The manual is incredibly useful. For example, when going through the menu system, you may be confronted with the choice of whether to set Elevated ASA Smoothing (Kidding's proprietary name for High ISO Noise Reduction) to High, Low, Off, Automatic or Variable. Confused by the Automatic and Variable options, how they differ, and what it is that causes them to change the degree of Elevated ASA Smoothing applied, you may wish to consult the manual. There you will learn that in the Elevated ASA Smoothing sub-menu, you have the choice of setting the camera to High, Low, Off, Automatic or Variable."

Hugh Smith: "Back in the day (does anyone actually know what that means, Ralph? Anyway...) Pop Photo ran their annual April Fool's issue and two stand out in my mind. The first was a Smashelblad wherein a tiny hammer smashed the 8x10 mirror. Thoughtfully, it came with a small broom for cleaning after every shot. The second was a 'Dark Bulb' for those who didn't have a darkroom. Simply screw the bulb in and, when turned on, the room went instantly black. Now the upturn to this is we actually had a customer come in and ask for it. When I told her it was a joke, she left in a huff mumbling something about my not keeping up with the times. Just mi dos pesos."

Ken: "Helloooo.... Is anybody there? Bueller? You forgot to provide the links to pre-order.... Kidding!"

Luke: "You left out the way the tripod mount blocks access to the card and battery. This is an important and common feature these days. Oh, and focus-by-wire with so much wired-in hysteresis that you cannot focus by rocking the focus ring. A Pana, Oly and Fuji specialty."

Man Seeking Woman

SA*

Rejected by eHarmony from an unknown man in Dubuque, IA:

I am a unique individual: I like financial security, excellent health, enjoying all that life has to offer, and giving my sweetie roses**.

Other things I enjoy: time off; cash windfalls; free swag; getting away with things; lying when it's convenient; being waited on; traveling on somebody else's frequent flier miles; fart jokes at times that are very inopportune for you; making you pay for drinks; hitting on your friends and pretending it's all in fun; having no responsibilities; not growing old despite the passage of time (me: a very young 52); ignoring you to watch football, because I just love football; ignoring you to watch random sports I don't even care about, such as skeleton luge and slopestyle skiing; promising to accompany you to church and then backing out at the last minute, every single time; eating, eating well, eating very well, eating very well without having to help clean up (in ascending order). I am fond of being accorded high status for no reason and when people tell me I'm handsome; people sucking up to me; people mistaking me for someone famous; heroin without consequences (impossible, and did I ever find that out); co-worker underlings acting deferential because they're frightened of my power and my intermittent capricious ruthlessness. Winning. Especially undeservedly.

What my friends say about me: that I am scintillating, brilliant, corruscating, incisive, charming, beloved, strong, infinitely bold, passionate and deeply spiritual. Actually I don't know what the heck they say about me because most of them live in other cities and we hardly ever see each other any more, and we talk "once a year" which is actually more like once every three to five years. But enough about me!

You: you should look like Amanda Holden but not be quite so old, even though the real Amanda Holden is ten years younger that my fake age (the one I'm lying about which is five years less than my real age)—but don't forget, you must agree to look like Amanda Holden looks now when you get to be the age she is now. Before I go to the hassle of meeting you in person, you must agree to marry me eventually if I want. You should also agree to go away quietly if that turns out to be what I want. Total commitment, true loyalty, and complete honesty on your part are a must.

 

My approximate appearance. If I were a little younger. And a little thinner. And had a little more hair on my head. And a little less on my upper body. And a better tan. What? What makes you think I
pirated this picture off the Internet?

I am very buff and fit. Oh wait, that was 25 years ago. My memory of once having been fit, however, exerts a powerful influence over my self-image now, even though I have not worked out since Clinton was President and the only way I could run fast is if I were being chased by a criminal or a large animal that was trying to kill me—which would be self-defeating, since running hard at my age would cause me to experience a massive heart event and die anyway. Or at least enter a vegetative state. Which, come to think of it, would probably mimic my general energy level fairly closely. My appearance now does not bother me—I'm still thin from in here, and I find it easy to ignore my added weight. So it should not bother you. I cannot however ignore excess weight on you, because I can see you—so you must be, and agree to stay, fit and trim.

So I guess what I'm saying is that my ideal mate should enjoy exercising alone.

You should earn at least $75,000 a year—that would make our combined income as a couple $100,000 a year, which I consider a comfortable level. So I am generously thinking of both of us with this requirement.

In short, am the kind of person who likes perfect weather, tropical island getaways, carefree fun, beautiful music, being adored by domestic pets, and being happy. I like to laugh—and really, how many human beings can say that?

Oh, and yes, I can tolerate walking on beaches as well as candlelight. So as you can plainly see, I'm perfect for you.

•     •     •

The foregoing is fiction. Any resemblances to anyone's real eHarmony profile are completely coincidental.

Happy [cynical, satrical***] Valentine's Day!

Mike

*Satire alert

**Exactly once per relationship

***And also the real, sincere, heartfelt kind, if and where applicable

Original contents copyright 2014 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.

TOP's links!

(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Burton Randol: "I remember, as a bracing antidote to the usual personal ads, a 1999 Valentine's Day article in the New York Times that contrasted the British approach, as represented by actual postings in the Personal Ads section of the London Review of Books, with counterparts from the New York Review of Books. Excerpts from some of the (real) British ones:

Sixty-seven-year-old disaffiliated flaneur picking my toothless way through the urban sprawl, self-destructive, sliding towards pathos, jacked up on Viagra and on the lookout for a contortionist....

Why, oh why, oh why?...47-year-old male serving life sentence in Scottish academia. Respondents must know absolutely nothing about Byron or Shelley and loathe the thought of reading Wordsworth and Keats. Blake is a concessionary 'maybe' only.

Illiterate old bastard with not a single book in sight seeks someone to read poetry and wash away the interminable cynicism that comes with reading this magazine. Must harbor profound hatred of Tuscany.

A hopeful young student of Freud/Is looking for fun unalloyed/She's fresh, free and flirty/And loves to talk dirty/About dreams she's especially enjoyed.

"Here's the article."

Jim Witkowski: "Oh! I thought you were writing about me!"

Anonymous: "Funny story from me time. Last year, when Peter Turnley's book was offered, I ordered a copy and recall that it was suggested (if not by you, then by commenters) that it would make a good Valentine's day gift. Some time later, I reactivated a profile on a dating site and (skipping skipping skipping) tonight I'm taking my wonderful girlfriend to a nice dinner at a restaurant of her choosing, where I will be giving her the copy of French Kiss, and I will serenade her. FWIW, both of our profiles were oddly not like the satiric version you wrote, and in fact would have scared off many women (in the case of mine)."

Stats

As of today, there are an estimated 7.129 billion people in the world.

6.786 billion of them have digital cameras.

5.318 billion people have an app out. 16.7% of those have hired PR agencies, and 8.53% of those have an employee named Jessica, Ashley, Brittany or Amanda* who would be happy to let me have a free app in return for a review which surely my readers would be interested in.

Four million people are having a show (804 million if you count the Internet). This number fluctuates. The average number of prints sold per show is .007 (<.000001 if websites are included.)

Approximately 2.6 million of the planet's residents spend some appreciable amount of time looking at other peoples' photographs.

Slightly fewer than 1.3 million people have a book out. This is good, but it makes it difficult to keep up. No one person on Earth, for instance, has seen every book published by Steidl except maybe Steidl. But it's possible he has missed one or two.

Cumulatively, about $44,800,000 was spent for photographs in 2012, which sounds good at first, but roughly half of it went to 21 photographers in L.A., NYC, Toronto, London, Paris, Rome, Milan, Berlin, and Tokyo, and they haven't actually seen any of it yet. (Still in the billing cycle.)

More than 650 photojournalists are still employed! 

On the bad side, all but three are nervous.

Of the 6.786 billion cameras in the world, more than 220 million of them are advanced, interchangeable lens cameras with 1" sensors or larger. But those 220 million cameras are owned by only 16 million people, including 1,450 guys who are completely out of control. Oh, you know who you are.

Of those 16 million advanced camera owners, only eighty-seven individuals understand every single feature on every one of their cameras.

Of those, one-third write blogs.

•     •     •

I have all the above on pretty good authority, but you should bear in mind that I'm not good with numbers.

Mike

*Absolutely no disrespect to anyone who has any of those names. They are beautiful names.

P.S. TOP is off tomorrow. Knowing me, I'll probably post something anyway.

Original contents copyright 2013 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.

TOP's links!

(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Jock Elliott: "'Of those 16 million advanced camera owners, only eighty-seven individuals understand every single feature on every one of their cameras.' It calls to mind an old saying from the world of shooting sports: 'Beware the man with one gun; he might know how to use it.' I, for one, find my problem is not that I need a new camera, but that I don't know how do adequately use the ones I have."

Erik: "'Statistics are like bikinis: what they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital…' —Prof. Aaron Levenstein."

Nasty D800 Pixelization

Do you remember my very first shot with the D800, the picture of my dog Lulu on the back porch from this post? You might want to take another look if you don't.

Well, a terrible problem has cropped up. There is huge, obvious, blatant pixelization in part of the shot: look at the peace signs on her collar:

iPhone 5 Promo Video Leaked

Our lives are good.

Mike
(Thanks to Paul De Zan)

UPDATE: I swear I didn't know this was arriving on Wednesday...the Nikon CoolPix S800c,"...the first CoolPix that's also an Android smart device. All the imaging power of a Nikon—superior optics, telephoto zooming, a high resolution image sensor and much more, meets the endless possibilities of the Android OS and Wi-Fi connectivity. Create exceptional photos and Full HD videos, then edit, style and share them easier and faster than ever before."

Any resemblance to the "cameraphone" in the spoof video is, I presume, entirely coincidental...

...And in a related note, I heard on the radio today that Apple expects to sell 200 million of the real iPhone 5's. Wow.

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Original contents copyright 2012 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved.

God Answers Prayers

In an uncharacteristic move, God apparently began actually answering prayers in the U.S.A. sometime on Wednesday evening, until sometime early this morning. Among the extraordinary effects:

• All but 168 purchasers of Lotto tickets for Wednesday's drawing won. Despite widespread initial euphoria, after the usual fees and administrative costs were skimmed off the top each $2 ticket paid $1.38.

• Nationwide, 1,460,385 sick and hospitalized patients miraculously recovered. On the other hand, more than 2 million previously healthy people dropped dead for no outward reason.

• 1,856 fourteen-year-old boys were transported literally into World of Warcraft. Once their parents discovered they were missing, more than 1,600 of them came home again. (The parents of the remainder evidently prayed for something else.)

• More than 2,600,000 young (and some not-so-young) people suddenly got cars. Brand of choice: Corvettes. Those who have religious parents will never get hurt or killed in them.

• Many mortgage and rent payments were miraculously made.

• 12,392 TOP readers suddenly acquired their dream camera outfits, plus various lenses, printers, and accessories. In most cases, their spouses did not notice the acquisitions.

• To spare you the gruesome details, let's just say that the approximately 14-hour period during which God was answering prayers was not a good time to be a boss.

• More than 56,000 men got lucky with women they met in bars late Wednesday evening. However, most of those men disappeared in a poof of smoke as soon as the women woke up sober the next morning.

God suspended the answering of prayers quickly as it became apparent that it is a logical impossibility for every American football team to win its first game. "People like to say 'God knows,'" God told reporters. "But I really don't. Both teams can't win." He added, with a chuckle: "You'd think there would have been fewer of those kinds of prayers to deal with, on account of it's only the preseason. But no."

Mike
(Inspired by Sal Santamaura)

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Featured Comment by Jim Hart: "In Detroit we do not pray to God for a football win. We do, however, pray to Bobby Layne to intercede with God in hopes of someday getting a professional football team."

Mike replies: I thought you guys did pretty well last year...you had our respect.

Featured Comment by Emmanuel Huybrechts: "I love your humor. Not quite as funny as athletes thanking gods but very close."

Featured Comment by Steve: "Unfortunately, very sad post! Your photography related information is excellent on the other hand."

Featured Comment by Dave: "Mike: I was one of the 12,392 on whom God saw fit to bestow their dream camera kit. There was, however, a bit of delay in processing my prayer as the Canon T90 and full set of lenses were prayed for 1986. On a related note, anyone wishing to purchase an unused vintage film camera should contact me via email."

Proper Handling of Memory Cards for the Digital Photographer

By Lamberto Go

SA*

Tip #1. Download, email, post-process and/or print your images promptly. If you wait weeks or months, the colors could fade, saturation could suffer and color balance could shift. Or worse, image files could become corrupt or you could misplace your card.

Tip #2. When you're not going to use a memory card for a long time, it's a good idea to securely wrap it (make sure it's airtight) and store it in the freezer. Doing this helps preserve the card's ability to retain data so that your images remain crisp and sharp. To thaw the card, take it out of the freezer and place in the refrigerator for 24 hours. Then take it out of the fridge and place it away from direct heat and sunlight, until it reaches room temperature. Do not unwrap until it is fully thawed. That bit of moisture could affect the card's ability to hold the images. Do not microwave.

Tip #3. Try not to swap memory cards in direct sunlight. But if you must, at least shade it with your body. Never, ever swap cards in direct sunlight. It could melt some of those metal contacts. Store the filled-up card properly, and make sure the memory card compartment on your camera is shut tight after replacing the card. We don't want any stray light ruining our images now, do we? And what to do with the filled-up memory cards? Why, see Tip #1 above, of course.

Tip #4. Handle memory cards only by the edges. Avoid getting fingerprints on your card—they will show up in your images, leading to countless hours of Photoshopping. (Well, the upside is, at least you'll become a master of Photoshop.)

Tip #5. When traveling through airports, carry the cards with you. Don't pack them in checked luggage, where they could be subjected to strong X-rays, not to mention pilferage. Strong X-rays could fog not only images already on the card, but also those still to be taken. Fogging can be particularly severe if you shoot at high ISOs.

Follow these tips, and you'll be on your way to enjoying problem-free photography, at least where memory cards are concerned. Happy shooting!

Lamberto

*Satire alert.

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Panasonic GF Series to Continue to Get Smaller

SA*

In an interview with the Japanese magazine Fashion Camera
(方法カメラ) yesterday, a spokesman for the Panasonic Corporation revealed the company's ultimate aspirations for its GF mirrorless camera: to make it as small as a contact lens.

"Engineers need goals," said Toshiro "Elmer" Kikuchiyo. "People really liked the size of the GF1, so we made it smaller. That made our customers 23% happier, so, when our engineers came to us looking sort of aimless and lost, our management direction was clear."

Elmer said he expects the current direction to continue. In Japan, one iteration or generation of a concept is enough to establish a tradition. At the current rate, the Panasonic GF camera will be essentially too small to see easily by 2023, at approximately the GF18.

"We envision it being too small to find when you drop it on the floor," said Elmer, smiling, "like a contact lens. This will make our customers 819% more happy."

As the camera gets smaller, its instruction book will get larger.

Asked if perhaps the ever-diminishing size might not have consequences in terms of photographic competence and capability, Elmer replied that only one of their designers, who he identified as Hideo, is a photographer. Hideo originally thought that the best direction might be to start with the excellent base of the GF1 and add photographic capability. Panasonic opted for the opposite approach. "First, in the GF1, we eliminated the superfluous viewfinder," said Elmer. "Now we've eliminated the hot shoe. Some of our more visionary designers are already proposing to eliminate the LCD viewing screen next. And why not? You can't see it outside anyway." He added that Hideo is a good employee and keeps quiet.

If he ever does say anything, Hideo will be assigned to figuring out how to make ink cartridges for inkjet printers hold less ink.

Mike

*Satire Alert. This post in no way reflects the views, beliefs, or intentions of Panasonic Corp. or any of its employees named Hideo.

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Featured Comment by Edward Taylor: "Then there is this—quoted from Engaget: 'We know some of you have been a little disappointed in Panasonic's GF line of Micro Four Thirds cams as they've shed advanced features and become more "consumer friendly"—terrifying words for any serious user to hear. But, we've got some good news, at some point in the future the GF line will split with a more professionally-minded model sold alongside the more simplistic GF3. That's straight from the mouth of Ichiro Kitao, the head of Panasonic's camera division, who spoke to PhotoRadar about the company's plans. When the GF1 will finally get a spiritual successor isn't exactly clear, but we're glad to hear the pocketable Micro Four Thirds series will finally get another serious shooter.'"

Mike replies: Will this happen before or after the pro-level Olympus Micro 4/3 body arrives? Sorry, I'm being cynical again. Can't help it sometimes, though.

Featured Comment by Jim McDermott: "Stop knocking Panasonic and Sony. We all realize the benefits of the truly pocketable camera, or as Mike calls it, the DMD. That magical moment arrives, you plunge your hand into your pocket, whip out the DMD, pause only to blow off the tissue fluff, take a second look, blow off that last, stubborn bit of fluff, switch on the camera, deftly descend through three menus on the touch screen, set the action program, touch back to shoot mode, raise the camera at arm's length to peer into the rear screen (your only option), whack celebrity in face accidentally as you do so, get knocked to the ground by said celebrity's boyfriend, land heavily on DMD, make mental note as you lose consciousness to bring along Gandolfi next time."

Tsk, Tsk—Bad, Very Bad!

SA*

A Guest Post by L. T. Gray

I'm afraid our friend Lloyd Chambers has stepped in it. Stepped square in fresh poop with a great big squishing sound. He's written a commentary about the Leica M9 that's not totally over the moon about that august device (which Mike actually quite likes, we hasten to add—even though he can't figure out how to get the Tri-X in).

I can't find the post Mike wrote on the Leica User Group (LUG) many years ago now called "The Leica Rules" or something like that, but I do remember one of the cardinal rules, which is that you're not allowed to criticize current Leica products. Only once they've been replaced can you talk frankly about the flaws of the earlier versions. Until it is replaced by Leica, every current Leica product is by definition unimproveable. That's a fact of life—a Universal Truth. Axiomatic.

For instance, if you'll remember, Mike wrote a review of the Leica M8 (in separate "Pro" and "Con" sections) that now looks quite sane and balanced. But it wasn't at the time, because, when he wrote it, the M8 was still a current product. Big mistake. Leica fans let him know in no uncertain terms what an irredeemable shit he is. And they were right to do so.

He should have learned his lesson long ago, when he wrote a review of the 35mm Summicron (4th version, now called the "Pre-ASPH") that was only mostly glowing. He said the lens had excessive vignetting with thin-emulsioned B&W films such as 100 Delta. He duly got raked over the coals by aficionados for daring to say such a thing. Later, when Leica introduced the 35mm Summicron ASPH, it mentioned that one of the improvements is that it vignettes much less than its predecessor version. You see, only then did the earlier lens start to vignette; before that, it never did.

Lloyd, your review might look perfectly reasonable...someday. Once the M10 has come out. Until then, though...well, your timing is very poor, and you've done a bad thing. Very bad. Go sit in the corner and think about what you've done until you're ready to play by the rules again.

L. T.

(Important Note: I had nothing to do with writing this post. Don't blame me. I am not the author. L. T. Gray is a former columnist for the now defunct English Darkroom User magazine. —Mike)

*Satire Alert.

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Featured Comment by Ed Buziak, Founding Editor (ret.) of Darkroom User magazine: "El Tigre, huh? My lips are sealed!"

Featured Comment by Erlik: "I saw Lloyd's rant. I don't mean it pejoratively, but it is a rant. I had two questions.

"One: if you can find so many things wrong with the camera, what have you been doing with it for two years?

"Two: the camera is too expensive? Wasn't it too expensive when you bought it?

"Besides, for all his expertise and experience, I wonder whether he thought everything through. I'm not talking about the reactions. Couldn't care less. But we all know that Leica is a boutique manufacturer. He must have known that.

"So where does he think that Leica is going to find manufacturing resources for increased numbers of cameras and lenses should they lower the prices? And why does he think that Leica wants to raise the numbers of its cameras and consequently lower its prestige and margins?"