Unexpected Epiphany (Followup)

I apologize for yesterday's post—it was a complaint, and thus annoying to some, and it was too personal—I try to make these posts personable but not personal, always trying to remain aware of how others will relate to them. You have to understand, though: on most days I sit down in the morning with no idea what I'm going to write about, and two or three hours later hit the "Publish" button. (Then, if I like the piece, I'll tinker and toil over little changes throughout the day.) Yesterday I hadn't even mulled it over the evening before, which I sometimes do, because I had planned to republish that "Self and Other" piece about Diane Arbus, not realizing that I'd already done so a few years ago. As my father used to say about his attempts to learn to cook French omelettes the old-fashioned way, "sometimes you get an omelette, sometimes you get a mess of eggs." Yesterday it was the latter, that's all.

However, it did result in a rather surprising epiphany! Last night I abruptly decided that I should stop trying to write books—give up, leave the idea behind.

In my life I have written school papers, essays, letters, a dribble of poetry, short stories, many magazine articles (like 250 all told), forum posts, and blog posts (more than 10,000). All of it short-form writing. That's what I do. That's who I am. As David Vestal often used to say and write: "So, okay."

The longest ever
In the midst of the release of the Harry Potter books, I sent a 50-page draft of the beginning of a novel for adolescents to Scholastic, the publisher of those books in the U.S. I got a rejection slip with a handwritten note on it that said, "This almost made it for us—please keep us apprised of your future projects." I have been wracking my brain, but I believe that that was the longest thing I've ever written that anybody else ever read (assuming they read the whole thing, which I guess is not something I know). On the other end, I took a class at Reed for which we were supposed to write one-page papers. It was maddening—the professor used to pepper the margins of my papers with compliments and praise, and then give me B's and C's. Some sort of didactic strategy, I suppose. It made me contumacious. But I do recall one of his scribbled reactions: "How do you manage to say so much in ONE PAGE?!?" [sic.]

Anyway, I have reached a decision. It's the opposite of what I counseled yesterday—and I will have more to say about persistence vs. quitting in photography tomorrow (or rather Sunday, as I reserve Saturdays to not do housework). No more effort wasted on books, no more daydreams of being an author, no more thinking diverted from short-form pieces. To quote my very early childhood idol, Popeye, I yam what I yam.

And now, I am very late for my exercise class.

Mike

Original contents copyright 2023 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. (To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below or on the title of this post.)

Featured Comments from:

robert e: "My takeaway from all this is that the essential skill is, in the words of Kenny Rogers, '...to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em / Know when to walk away and know when to run.' Perhaps the next lines are also instructive: 'You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table / There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealing's done.' I've tried to read A La Recherche du Temps Perdu at least four times. I suppose that time is lost forever."

T. Edwards: "For what it's worth, I liked yesterday's post and didn't even really notice the 'complaint' portion until I went back and re-read. I loved the Malcolm piece to which you linked and that's what I remembered."

Dave (partial comment): " I hope that this decision, this revelation to give up the long-format, would be a level of freedom for you, a breath of fresh air, if you will...I, for one, applaud your decision to give up and carry on without that burden.... Bravo."

Ben: "I think that learning how to finish things is really important. I'll share a little story....

"My daughter, previously featured on TOP [top picture —Ed.], received an iPad for her ninth birthday, in early 2020. Round about April of that year there were a few things happening in the world, so she decided to start writing a book. She had started several before, but never finished them, so I told her I'd read it when she was done. So every day she sat under a blanket and tapped away with two fingers on glass. Sometime in late June or early July she shared the document with me, all 40,000 words of it. And then she revised it; I went over it with her; she revised it again; her mother proofread it, etc....until late 2021, when I realized that she could just keep revising it every six months, and every six months she'd be a little more sophisticated, have a little better vocabulary, and that this process could go on forever.

"She and I discussed; she decided to commit to her final revision, and we self-published it through print-on-demand. She spent a lot of time on it, and I really feel that finishing a long-term project, and then letting it go, is a skill that I didn't learn until much later in life...and then only in certain things. Not sure if it's all right to post a link to it, but if that's OK, Mike, here it is. She's now revising the sequel, and I'm just a proud dad  :-)  . It's different, I think, to create and then let go of a large, bounded project, than it is to build one over time out of smaller pieces. It's harder to let go of the former, to finally call it finished. But the latter is no less real, no less valuable, and something like this blog, the consistency of creation over time, is a real accomplishment. Something like what William Matthews wrote about Mingus, 'as the work of the body becomes a body of work.' (Apologies if I'm not recalling the quote correctly)."

Another Mike: "Mike, your parents and my parents must have gone to the same parenting school. The very sad fact is that no one gets out of a situation like that without serious damage. When the people who are supposed to love you the best are the ones who are sabotaging you and ripping your very sense of self to absolute shreds, it sets up your life to be an endless struggle. People who have had good supportive and loving parents have no idea and seem very glib about what we go through. Just do this, or just be that, they say. Sure, for you maybe. People brimming with solid self confidence who have known success and satisfaction their whole lives cannot relate to other realities so easily. Just know, you're not alone. There are a lot of us out here, and we see you, we get you, and we appreciate the struggle you so openly write about. Thank you for being honest. Mike."

Ed Hawco: "For what it’s worth, letting sh*t go is how The Buddha found enlightenment."

John Camp: "I don’t know why I’m writing this, since Kirk Tuck answered you well enough. Maybe because it’s snowing and I don’t want to take the dogs out.

"You (Mike) get up most days and write a column for this blog. That’s how a novel gets done. You have a time when you write, and that’s what you do. Doesn’t have to be too long. A couple of hours a day will do it. If you write 500–1,000 words a day, you’ll have a bestseller length novel (100,000–110,000 words) in half a year, more or less.

"If I sat in a chair and looked at the back of a Stephen King novel and thought 'My God, I have to write a *&#* brick like that,' I’d never get it done. So I don’t do that. Stephen King doesn’t either. So, I write 500–1,000 words a day, just like you do. And that’s what King does and Kirk does, too—and that’s why Kirk has a penthouse at the top of the Tuck Tower in Austin. You don’t have to be inspired, you don’t have to think deep thoughts, you don’t have to be overly bright, you don’t necessarily know what you’re going to write that day. You just have to work.

"Probably the best inspiration for me was negative: my folks were nice people, but didn’t have money, so if I needed some, as a teenager, I pretty much had to get myself. I started by doing fieldwork during the Iowa summers, detasseling corn and bailing hay, and the inspiration was simple: 'I don’t want to do this sh*t anymore.' I sold men’s clothes in a department store, and drilled holes in knobs in a radio factory, carried mail, and was an Army draftee, and it was all 'I don’t want to do this sh*t anymore.'

"I worked for newspapers, and it took a while—better than twenty years—and again, it was 'I don’t want to do this sh*t anymore.'

"Is it possible that you’re at that point? If not, then maybe you can continue to do the same ol’ sh*t.

"What kind of befuddles me is that I could take the columns you’ve written since you’ve run this blog, print them all out, get some scissors, cut and paste, and come up with the structure of a pretty good book on photography. The rest would be editing. Basically, carpentry.

"Couple hours a day."

Simon: "Like a significant number of commenters above, I cannot object to Thursday's post (a self-described 'complaint') but welcome it. Some (probably many) of your readers will take more from such a piece than you probably realise. Also, without it there would be no 'epiphany' post the following day. We are all shaped by our experiences, especially those in childhood, and many of us are unaware—at best only partially aware—of just how it has made us into the people we are today. Some things are good, some are not so good. But they are what they are and I think the value is in recognising or acknowledging them as much as we are able. As a parent I try not to make some of the mistakes my well-meaning parents made but I'm conscious that I will surely repeat some of them...and add some more of my own.

"I'm looking forward to seeing more photographs and your accompanying observations. My own ventures with my OM2n and 40mm ƒ/2 are frustratingly infrequent and irregular, but the process is still enjoyable. I am finding I now think more about the sense of place and composition as a result of viewing the recent images created with your Sigma fp."

Comments

[Brian O'Connor]

If its ok to say so... you are GOOD at short form writing. You get to the point and you pick out the diamonds shining in the muck... that is why i have been reading you for nearly 40 years now.... just get back to work :)

[Peter Wright]

You are too hard on yourself. Yesterday’s post was fine. (Btw, your father sounds like a more extreme version of my own father. It’s just who he was, so I try to not make the same mistakes myself.)

Your ideal job would probably be as an opinion writer for the NYT. Send them some long responses to articles and see if there’s an in 🙂.

[Dave]

I've been reading this blog for a while, including the trials and tribulations of writing a book... and the one constant in my mind was - why? Other than the overwhelming thought process that seemed to always end in the soup of "that is what I am supposed to do", I did not see the need for the torment that seemed to come from quiet times - "I should be working on my book!"

I hope that this decision, this revelation to give up the long-format, would be a level of freedom for you, a breath of fresh air, if you will...

I, for one, applaud your decision to give up and carry on without that burden...

Bravo

[Dave Jenkins]

I think you could and should put together a select group of posts from TOP and some of your earlier writings, do some editing, make a book of 250-300 pages, and publish it as "Essays on Photography," "TOP Posts from The Online Photographer," or something like that. I would buy it in a heartbeat.

[John Krumm]

Well, now you have a bunch of book starts that you can reclassify as blog material, and when you are short ideas, just copy and paste a relevant section, tidy it up, and post.

I'm not sure if you listen to Brooks Jensen, but he seems to be the master of organizing and reusing his photo catalog. Your blog writing catalog has just grown.

[Stan B.]

I too once tried to write- "a book." Went strong for about two weeks, and then, and then... the void.

Decided I still hadn't done all that much of what I already had been doing. May try again should I become physically incapacitated. For now, there's only so much time left.

[John]

I used to be a journalist. Most of my fellow journalism students and later my colleagues wanted to be writers and write books.

I, on the other hand, never felt ‘I had a book in me,’ and thus never shared that ambition.

Sometimes, when I get an idea about a largish topic, I’m more inclined to think about it as a TV production, rather than a book.

Then again, I still don’t feel that I want to be a writer.

[Richard Nugent]

Mike, I, for one, compliment you on reaching your decision. Wisdom in one’s old age doesn’t always come easily, but it comes nonetheless (most times). You excel at short-form writing (as we all can see here day after day). We all greatly enjoy your musings, as well as your technical pieces. Please just focus on keeping us happy?

[Steve Deutsch]

No pain, no gain. Might be true, but it might mean you're on the wrong path.

[Dillan]

Contrary to the feedback you are referring to, I enjoyed yesterday's post. This blog isn't just about photography, it's also about you, and that's not a bad thing, even if it isn't always your intention.

I enjoyed the Diane Arbus articles. Her work is uncomfortable for me to look at, and her end makes me sad. She affects me more than most photographers, and I suppose that says something about me. She should be remembered.

By the way, thank you for introducing a new word to my vocabulary: "contumacious."

[Not THAT Ross Cameron]

Hi Mike,

Quick line to throw a different perspective on your dilemma.
Is the aim to write something long form and have it published, or just get something published?

Give up on the former if you want, but the latter could still be an option, in terms of collected essays, articles, writing etc.

You may not have them all now, but as per previous discussion, doesn’t mean you can’t plan to write a series of articles over a couple of years, with a view to a ‘collected writings of’ being published at the end of it.

It’s a way to get to your end goal incrementally, and you get TOP feedback on your writing as you go ;~)

[Dan Khong]

As owner of a blog, you are at liberty to write on various subjects that come to mind.

It is not your duty to please everybody.

Under the personal circumstances that you live alone with only a dog for company, I think it's only either polite or nice for others to give you some slack or discount.

[George Davis]

I can't believe no one else has suggested this before (or maybe they have), or that you haven't though of it yourself.

There is so much in what you have already written over the years, not just on TOP but elsewhere, that could be edited into book form, not just one, but a few or even several. Think A.D. Coleman's "Light Readings" (but easily more readable, relatable and informative).

I'm thinking of your writings and musings on photographers, both those you have known or met, or have already done research about. Or "Ten great photographs". Browsing your "Categories" list should help you find more groups of posts that could be combined to make a book. (Just looking at the list as I write this: Photo industry; Photographic aesthetics; Photojournalism.) And I have no doubt you would (would, not could) easily come up with additional material to both add to the material or tie the pieces together.

You've done most of the work already. Don't let it get lost in the Internet Archive (the "library stacks" of the internet). In book form, they'd make great gifts, and find a home on library shelves. (I think Mark Twain may have really been thinking about libraries: the rumor of their demise has been greatly exaggerated.)

(Technically, you would still be adhering to your declaration of giving up book writing, as this would really be a different project, made up of material you've already written.)

Please give it some thought.

[Terry Letton]

Interesting Mike. The good thing is you won’t be beating yourself up for not completing your attempts at writing a book and likely have more energy to write what you are good at, short pieces like this blog. All that said you probably should keep the door to a book ajar in case you do find a topic that you can take to the finish line. Meanwhile I anticipate enjoying reading more of your short form work

[Kye Wood]

RE yesterdays post. Meh. If it gets people commenting, then they're thinking. And getting people to think, instead of just endless consume, is in itself a major minor triumph. Well done you.

As for quitting? I never gave up smoking for years, because I figured winners never quit. Ends up I was wrong. Sometimes winners quit one thing. Then go on to persist somewhere else. A better place to persist.

[Mark]

Forest for the trees. T.O.P. itself is just chapters dare I say a couple of books at least.

[Peter Barnes]

Good move to remove that albatross. But I was looking forward to the story of your Xander. Could it surface in another form perhaps?

[Ernest Zarate]

Re: Yesterday’s post. As I read it, all I could think of was it sounded like a whole bunch of “shoulda, coulda, woulda” about what mighta been. I’ve been reading and enjoying your excellent writing here and other online sources, as well as in magazines, for several decades now (early 1990s, a review of the Mamiya 6 was the first). Sometimes you get on a path I’m not interested in. But, hey, it’s your blog - you do you. I just come back the next day. Or the day after that.

But this ongoing self-flagellation that’s been going on for years over writing a book… Just always struck me as “I’m a writer. Writers write books. I should write a book.” Not very convincing, either to me or you. The real pursuit of excellence isn’t about meeting anyone else’s expectations or definitions of who we are - that is the road to perdition.

I do hope this article is the end of this book thing. It’s time.

[Steve Aitch]

I suppose you could always go the the other extreme and try writing drabbles? ;-)

[Craig Stocks]

Life is the art of recognizing blind alleys. Turning around to find a new path is part of the process.

[Shannon Scott]

I don’t know, seems to me there’s value in the attempt. Attempting to climb Mount Everest is still more than most of us will ever do.

[Fred Haynes]

I could say a lot more, I think these things, but seldom say it because others do a much better job commenting then I do. But I will say this, in my humble opinion, you should not close doors to what you can do. Your a excellent writer, there is still a book there. Now maybe, just maybe, your afraid of failing? You’ll write a book and it doesn’t sell? Could happen. But so what. If you fail so what?? I think, personally, you’ve succeeded at so much already!
You’ve got many years ahead of you. Your blessed with good health, just do what you want, and don’t worry about consequences. I’m old, and I still look forward .
Fred

[darlene]

Mike, you have written a few books already. They just need to be compiled.

[Eric Anderson]

From a young old wise man: "If you do something and it turns out pretty good, then you should go do something else wonderful, not dwell on it for too long. Just figure out what's next." -Steve Jobs

[John Krumm]

If you ever do get the urge to compile a “best of TOP” book, get a co-author or editor to do all that work. In fact, just pretend that you have passed and it’s completely out of your hands. Return from the dead for final approval and book signings.

[Sroyon]

The featured comment by "Another Mike" is so kind and true. I echo it heartily. On the topic of motivation, may I recommend The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman. Great book, funny and insightful.

[Richard Parkin]

Like several commenters I think some of your other, now abandoned*, writing projects could fit into your blog. The “the second volume a selection of 60 or 80 pictures” of your “"Classic 35mm Photography" seems made for a second section of TOP which I assume could be done in the same way that Thom Hogan has various sections to “bythom”.

Couldn’t your “Xander story” be published as chapters in another section? I seem to remember that some quite well known writers were not above serialising their work, C. Dickens, A.C Doyle etc.

Other sections might be formed from existing threads in TOP. Perhaps one for the Baker’s Dozen series for example.

* I fully expect that this “abandonment” will in turn be abandoned and the long form writing will beckon again, to the detriment of your blog ㋡

[Tullio Emanuele]

My first impulse was to write this as a comment:
To the best of my knowledge, Leonardo da Vinci carried the Mona Lisa painting with him for years, always touching up the original painting. (Talking about not finishing things…)
Albert Einstein had to be helped by others, with the mathematical aspects of the Theory of Relativity.

Despite these “shortcomings” wouldn’t you agree that they were at least “moderately” successful in what they accomplished?

To end, my wife is a nurse in a prestigious university hospital. A while ago she provided me with a solution to this type of problem.
It is a….little book which was recommended by some of the doctors she works with.
It’s titled “The OBSTACLE is the way”. The timeless art of turning trials into triumph. By Ryan Holiday.

I would be delighted to talk about what specific solutions you may wish to consider. Perhaps you should make a few more posts about this issues

[V.I. Voltz]

In the late 1990s I moved for a year to Prague. My Czech was embryonic at best and I struggled with pronunciation. I disliked most expats I met. I was working in a darkroom and furiously photographing for myself, so there wasn’t that juch spare time. But when there was, I read À la recherche du temps perdu. I finished it. I agree with Alain de Botton that it was life changing. But I am persistent, and have a PhD, probably the greatest endurance test one can set oneself. I later bought a beautiful 6 volume boxed hardcover set of À la recherche for my wife, but, to my knowledge, she has never opened it.

Voltz