[You dial Customer Service. Phone rings.]
Recording: Hello, you have reached the offices of _______ Corporation. Please listen to all of the following, none of which will apply to you. We need time.
[Long list of options follows. None of it applies to you.]
Now that you've listened to all that, press 2.
[You press 2. Phone rings again. Recording answers again.]
Recording: We are currently using COVID-19 as an excuse to offer poor service. For that reason, you are going to wait on hold for a long time until talking to you suits our convenience. We know your time is just as valuable to you as ours is to us, but we ignore that. You want something from us, which means we have you over a barrel. We make you wait because the longer we make you wait, the greater the chance you'll go away on your own and we won't have to deal with whatever you're calling about.
To increase the chances that you'll hang up on your own, while you are waiting, we are going to make it impossible for you to do your own work! We are going to play a very poorly reproduced snipped of crappy anodyne music over and over and over again until it burns its way into your musically-sensitive brain. As a consequence, the tune will occur to you randomly as you go about your life over the next four days. There will be nothing you can do about it.
[Music starts to play and plays over and over again.]
[After many minutes, music fades, and there's a click, at which you get your hopes up. But it's the...]
Recording: Thank you for waiting, and now we pretend to apologize for our convenience. We're busy helping other people who mean more to us than you do. But now, while we've got you held captive against your will, we're going to play some gratuitous commercials for our services into your ear! Ignoring the obvious fact that you're already our customer. These are going to be irritating and utterly irrelevant to you, to your life, your health, and your increasingly miserable existence, plus they will make it even harder for you to work while you're waiting. We don't care. A consultant told us to do this. He used the word "optimizing," and that was good enough for us.
[Commercials begin to play and continue for several minutes. You let them assault your brain with the fatalism of a prisoner enduring some slow, wearing sort of torture. Just as you are beginning to think pre-suicidal thoughts about the meaningless and futility of continuing to live, the same music comes back on.]
[Music plays over and over again.]
[Music fades again, and there's a click again. Like some sort of Pavlovian dog, you get your hopes up again even though you know better.]
Recording: Hello? Hello? Ha, just kidding, it's still a recording. Still on the line? Well, we're still helping other people who are way more important to us than you are. We would have hoped you'd get that message by now, but evidently you're obstinate. The consultant told us about people like you. When you've had enough of our excellent caller service, you can press eight and leave us a message. We will never respond to that message. We'll say it's because of COVID-19 and that none of this is our fault. Really, though, it has to do with the fact that providing phone service is not a profit-generator for our ownership. In fact, we lose money on it, so the more of you we can make go away, the better.
[Music comes back on and plays over and over again.]
[There's that click again, and you think, ah, no, I'm not falling for that again. Fool me once. Er, twice. But this time, there's a pause, during which you hear the desolate sound of disembodied electronic emptiness, the sound of cavernous endless space that doesn't actually exist, and then...
[A human voice answers! Could it be the recording again? No, it's a real human voice! The effect on you is like the effect on a prisoner in solitary confinement whose cell door has swung open, letting in sunshine and fresh air for the first time in days.]
Human voice, in unidentifiable foreign accent: Good afternoon and thank you for calling ______ , where our call-in service is the best in America and your every need is our top priority. That's what we say—actually that's just scripted boilerplate verbiage, totally meaningless. This is "Doris" and I'm here to shine the light of our corporate power and benevolence on you while we taunt the poor dumb saps we have waiting on other lines.
You: Hello Doris, this is—
Doris: Sorry, can I put you on hold for just one minute?
You: What? No, I've been holding for quite a long time now and—
Doris: Thank you. Just one short minute, very short. Just kidding! That's just what we say. By the way, sometimes when we put people on hold, they get cut off. But...
You: Please don't put me on hold.
Doris: ...But if you get cut off, it's no problem. You can just call us right back!
[Click sound. And...]
[Dial tone.]
Mike
Book o' the Week:
The second edition of old friend Bruce Barnbaum's The Essence of Photography is just out. Bruce wrote for Photo Techniques when I was Editor. I always enjoy his insights into the art and craft, even if his technique isn't the same as mine. I still learn. Mastery is fun to read about.
The above is a link to Amazon from TOP. Here's the new edition of The Essence of Photography at The Book Depository. The following logo is also a link:
Original contents copyright 2020 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:
Dale Fryar: "Quite possibly your best and most relatable post ever."
Kevin Crosado: "You forgot the half hour of 'Expected wait time less than one minute.'"
Kirk: "Were you here, in my office, just last Monday? Did you overhear my phone call (set to 'speaker phone') as I attempted to make contact with any living organism at the IRS? Because I think you have captured the four hour (yes! four hour) hold time, complete with the same canned music. At the end of four hours there was a garbled message and then the phone clicked off and I was back to dial tone.
"I knew I could go two different ways. Indescribable rage or total capitulation. My better half suggested I take the second course for my mental health's sake. I gave up completely, dropped a check big enough to pay for a new car into an envelope and tottered off to the Post Office to send it along certified mail. It was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. I'm almost certain they will lose this check (again) and we'll start all over. ARGH."
Mike replies: I'm so sorry. That sounds acutely miserable.
Mark Sampson: "You've just written the story of my last two days. I had that experience with no less than five organizations (who shall remain nameless) and I'm almost done, with some success. Remember that corporations have only two goals: 1.) enhanced shareholder value and 2.) increased executive compensation. Providing service advances neither of those. Don't forget to fill out the online survey when you're done, and give them five stars!"
Will: "I had a very similar experience calling my airline this Summer, to address problems with a flight that (at the time of the call) was 14–12 hours away. Same resolution, same overall structure.
"One key difference: instead of hold music, complete dead utter silence. I’d never encountered that before, and it seemed a novel ploy to get you to hang up because it felt like a technical problem (the silence between recordings lasted ten minutes, give or take, each time). I was better able to get stuff done, but I’m not sure I’d choose silence if I could. The feeling of isolation was actually chilling. 'Actively listening' for hours to a dead line, it turns out, is utterly unnerving."
Mike replies: Applecare provides silence as an option, and I much prefer it. It means I can work, and just leave the phone on speaker sitting next time. When they come on, I can break and go back to the call.
But then, I never prefer to listen to bad music. My theory about that is that some people are simply not sensitive to music because they have no aptitude for it, and to them, any music is just pleasant noise. To me, bad music playing everywhere is soul-pollution. When I was a young teenager working in a pharmacy, I found I could identify songs on the PA just from the baselines, which was often all I could hear. When I mentioned this to various co-workers, none of them were aware of listening to anything over the PA at all. But I couldn't ignore it.
Bill Tyler: "Recently, a few customer-friendly companies have offered to call back when the wait time is up, rather than keeping me on the line for an hour. It's worked out rather well. I wish it weren't the exception."
RayC (partial comment): "I've certainly experienced this but I've also found that the phone is no longer the best avenue for support. I had a new inexpensive lens develop a focus issue. Small company/importer of a Chinese lens. My expectations for resolution were low but I sent an email to support and got a response in four hours! With an RMA number! Two weeks in the shop and free return shipping and the lens was back and working flawlessly."
Wayne Bruzek: "That had to be a cable provider!"
Mike replies: Good guess. Actually I started writing that post while going through the menus and being put on hold at my doctor's office. But they actually gave me an early appointment only the next day (I had a hemangioma I thought might be cancerous) and I had a pleasant visit with my doctor (who is very good) and got all my issues resolved. So I can't really complain about the experience that inspired this post, although, like all of us, I've had some other experiences that were pretty bad.