I thought I'd share a little arrangement I came up with years ago.
I was talking to my neighbor Ilene, and she mentioned that she doesn't have any good pictures of one of her (adult) daughters because the daughter "hates having her picture taken" and always holds her hand up in front of her face "like this" when the camera comes out. It's not easy to describe the "like this" in words—picture the motion you make with your hand when making a sock-puppet "talk."*
I'm of the opinion that you should mostly respect such peoples' wishes, and just not take pictures of them.
Operative word in present company: mostly.
Teens
Here what I did with Xander during his growing-up years. At about age thirteen he informed me that he didn't want me to take pictures of him any more. I agreed, but I explained to him that photography was my thing, and asked him if he would agree to cooperate with me four times a year for three minutes each time. Asking his permission each time, of course. Twelve minutes a year—little enough to ask.
He agreed to that, and that was the arrangement we worked under for the next five or six years. I'd take his picture every now and then—I'd just say, "can this be one of the three minutes?"—and the rest of the time I refrained.
Three-minute portrait of Xander at 14
It worked out fine. No complaints on either side. I have a couple of pictures of his teen years, which is much better than none, and he didn't have to deal with his dad being a dad all the time.
At nineteen or so he relented and said I didn't have to worry about it any more, that it was fine if I took pictures of him whenever I wanted to.
Anyway I just thought I'd pass this strategy along in case I'm not the only one who has to deal with a reluctant relative or friend.
Mike
*I have to mention that "reluctant subjects" can sometimes be pretty unkind to us photographers. And they might not realize just how inconsiderate their actions are. Years ago at my grandparents' summer home in Michigan there was a pack of kids from up and down the shore who hung out together all day, and I would take pictures. Virtually everyone got used to me and simply ignored me. One guy, however, felt awkward being photographed (or being photographed by me, I don't know which) and he ruined many of my pictures, some that would have been pretty good if he had just had the courtesy to ignore me. In many of the pictures he wasn't even close to the main subject, he was just in the background somewhere. I don't think people like that fully realize how impolite and unkind they are being to us. It's actually pretty hostile to purposefully ruin other peoples' pictures again and again.
Product o' the Week:
Fingertip Pulse Oximeter. The link is from TOP to Amazon. This relates to health, not photography—it replaces one of the advanced functions on the latest Apple Watch. Takes your pulse and measures your blood oxygen. For heart monitoring, checking for COVID (low blood oxygen is an early warning sign) and slow heartbeat. I'm learning to correlate the way I feel with the readings. Works with iOS and Android. Nifty little device, super easy to use, and cheap.
Original contents copyright 2020 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:
Geoff Wittig: "I like your method of dealing with the photo-reluctant. My lovely wife just hates having her photograph taken, under any circumstance. I have a collection of photos of her hand in front of her face as that's also her go-to move. And yet many of my most cherished photographs are of her; after 42 years together many of them still transport me to moments of existential joy or poignance. So I'll have to ask her if she's willing to go along with the three-minute rule."
Sharon: "I love that photo. That is so good. I have the same problem now with my beautiful grandson. I'll try your approach."
Rick Twigg: "As a father of nine-year-old twins who have recently begun their anti-photography kick which I suspect will be the next 8–10 years, this may be the most valuable information I have come across in quite some time. :-) "
Xf Mj: "I've had this kind of problem with people I've dated. But I blame myself much more than them. Some people are great at taking portraits and candids, engaging them so that it's not uncomfortable, having the camera and process be invisible, and also having the quick deftness to get great results that make a subject happy to be part of any future photo-taking. With me as the photographer of people I admired, though, and especially when I was just getting into digital photography, I might as well have been taking their photo with Microsoft Word software running the works of a household vacuum cleaner. Awk-ward. I just took too long to get things the way I wanted and their patience immediately wore thin.
"I'm better now, and phones help, but there is still much room for improvement. I just don't have the knack and it's a shame. I've seen very natural portraits and candids of people from you, Mike, so your thoughts here about the unwilling subject still stand.
"In the other direction, I briefly dated someone who was really really excellent at photographing people, and I'm very grateful for her photographic record of me during that time. It's a real gift to see yourself in the best light (literally and figuratively speaking) and to know that you might sometimes look at ease to others. I think everyone she photographed felt that way and she always got great results."
Marc Lawrence-Howe: "I'd be curious as to how many people who enjoy photography actually hate having their own photo taken (at least by anyone other than themselves). ~raises hand~"
I am not sure if it’s on Linda McCartney’s book, “The Sixties”, but I read somewhere that once, she told Eric Clapton that he had beautiful hands. Then, later on, when she pointed her Nikon on him, he covered his face with those hands. The photograph is not in the book. That I know.
Posted by: David Lee | Monday, 26 July 2021 at 01:34 PM
Just for the record, your product of the week will not detect Afib. (Atrial Fibrillation) It will detect a fast pulse which may be the result of Afib, but it does not show the electrical activity of your heart which would be necessary to make the diagnosis. An Apple watch does, even though it only shows one of the twelve leads commonly seen on an EKG.
[Thanks Edward. I removed that reference from the writeup. --Mike]
Posted by: Edward Taylor | Monday, 26 July 2021 at 03:44 PM
I occasionally photograph events for my community association. There's usually a sign at the door that a photographer will be shooting, and if there's a problem see him (me). There is one regular volunteer at one event that is trying to avoid an abusive ex, and nicely asked me not to take her photo. Of course I said yes. The trick is that she is involved. Very involved. I'd often find her in the shot, complicating things.
The other shoots I do involve kids and parental permissions. There's been a few times when I check in with the event leader and ask which kids I can't shoot, and get them pointed out. Sometimes that's tough, but I respect the wishes.
One other trick is to use a long lens.
Posted by: Keith | Monday, 26 July 2021 at 05:10 PM
Now people take pictures of themselves (selfies) and bombard you with them. So now you can their pictures with their own handphones and ask for it through social media.
Posted by: Dan Khong | Monday, 26 July 2021 at 05:48 PM
As the photographer of the household, maybe I should try this approach on myself. There would be a lot more photos of me if I gave myself the three minutes.
Posted by: David | Monday, 26 July 2021 at 05:57 PM
I'm "that guy" in my family. My wife and daughters can produce smiles on demand. I can't. Not that smiles always make the best portraits, not by a long shot. But I'd rather be behind the camera than in front of it.
Posted by: george4908 | Monday, 26 July 2021 at 06:15 PM
I always found that holding my kid's tuition check in one hand and the camera in the other was a winning strategy. Sadly, he's graduated...
Posted by: kirk | Monday, 26 July 2021 at 06:41 PM
Don't dispute people's right to say no re photo but it is interesting looking back at one's self decades later, can be quite revelatory.
Not just wow look at my hair / clothes but can lead to seeing yourself in a different way an / or make you wonder what happened :-)
Posted by: David Robinson | Monday, 26 July 2021 at 09:16 PM
I avoided this particular problem with my children, nieces, nephews and now grandchildren bu presenting them with a fully functioning point and shoot the minute they turn 7 years, and keep upgrading them (i.e. present them the stuff I have got bored with, and irrationally discarded) till they have their first job.
Posted by: Jayanand Govindaraj | Monday, 26 July 2021 at 10:09 PM
I gave up shooting my family decades ago. Each time I took out my camera half of them would, literally, get up and leave the room.
When I was taking a course in photography, long story but I needed a Arts Class for my BS in Computer Science, I managed to get a shot of my wife on the couch (37 years ago). It is one of my favorite shots and for the next 30 years she hated it. After my son scanned it and I put it on my phone and showed it around to people, she says it is OK.
My other family members to this day leave the room if I get out my camera when they are around. Therefore, I have a few photos of family members but mostly the back of their heads as they move out of the room.
Posted by: PDLanum | Tuesday, 27 July 2021 at 02:44 AM
My non-consenting photo subject is slightly different - our office German Shepherd gets up and leaves virtually every time that I turned a camera on him. The one time that I was able to "sneak" a photo of him, it made the American Bar Association Journal nationally. Photo and ABA Journal article to follow by Email.
Posted by: Joe Kashi | Tuesday, 27 July 2021 at 03:54 AM
My son was 4 (he turned five two months later) when he went to school. In his first week at school, no doubt at the instigation of a new friend, he declared I was not to photograph him anymore. I said that was fine but he could start making and packing his own school lunch, since making that took much longer than any of my photographs, and that photography was what I do, and eating was what he did.
My son is 8 and I still make his lunch every school day. A hot, cooked lunch during COVID lockdowns, too. I have lots of photos of him. Lots.
Voltz
Posted by: V.I. Voltz | Tuesday, 27 July 2021 at 06:17 AM
I am trying to cut down my photo equipment and recently my large led panels stopped working which helped me in that pursuit. Two large lamp stand will soon be gone.
When experimenting with a minimal TTL flash set up with my visiting son as a model, his photo-refusing six year old daughter appeared, curious as ever.
I handed her the remote control and she made a large number of pictures or her dad and of me. She liked them and we liked them.
She now really enjoy her picture being taken. Anytime and anywhere.
Posted by: Christer Almqvist | Tuesday, 27 July 2021 at 07:41 AM
Interesting subject. I do not shoot people (excuse the pun), if somebody looms large into the view of my camera I usually wait until he or she moves away - my compositions are not meant „with“ anyway.
Generally, without thinking much about it, I always thought about street photography as something often voyeuristic, so I did not start with it.
The sentence „.... (they are) unkind to us...“ is rather one-sided in my eyes (brain?) - I would feel unkind to them: To „shoot“ them knowing they, for whatever reason, do not wish so.
Posted by: Robert | Tuesday, 27 July 2021 at 08:38 AM
I always promised the women I dated that if they would allow me to photograph them and our relationship ever fizzled (as was the case most of the time, alas), they would at least have lots of great photos of themselves to post in their next online dating ad.
It worked every time!
Posted by: JG | Tuesday, 27 July 2021 at 09:49 AM
My family has no issue with me taking photos of them. My wife never likes the ones I produce and my son does not relish the process, but it is not an issue. My daughter quite likes it. I think it is because I always have a camera and I am always taking shots, but not all that much of them, so it is not like I am a paparazzi. I think that constantly making people feel they are being filmed is what annoys them, not so much a "can I take your picture?" Snap (or 3 sec burst) and its over. Reduce the fussing time. Over in a max of a minute and it's not an issue.
Posted by: Chris | Tuesday, 27 July 2021 at 10:05 AM
Mike,
I remember explaining in German class the parts of a camera and how to use an SLR ("einäugige Spiegel Reflex-Kamera").
I decided to take a couple of shots of the class, first one side, then the other because my 50mm lens was too narrow to cover the room.
One young lady refused to be photographed and said that she took terrible photos. She covered her face with her hand and turned away too.
If I had had the confidence with women I developed later, I would have walked over to her desk and whispered how great I thought she looked.
She had a beautiful face, and as someone who is knocked out by a beautiful brunette, her black hair with gentle curls and length down to her waist really made me sad that she thought she didn't take a good picture. All she had to do was look toward the camera -- no smile even necessary.
I hope whoever she married was able to coax her to let him take some photos while she was still young.
Posted by: Dave | Tuesday, 27 July 2021 at 11:26 AM
In over 60 years I have never taken an acceptable photo of my wife - according to her.
Every photo I have ever taken of our kids and grandkids has been superb - according to my wife.
As the cliche goes: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
- Tom -
Posted by: -et- | Tuesday, 27 July 2021 at 01:50 PM
I don't mind being photographed.
My friends have been trained since, oh, highschool, or at least the 1970s, except the recent friends. So they've basically given up trying to dodge being photographed.
I do have a person on the list that I avoid photographing, but since they live 800 miles away or something it's not too much hardship. And I've had a couple of cases of people who had needs to avoid being locatable in photos, requiring significant delay or just missing them. This can be handled easily enough.
I'm entirely willing to edit people out of the middle of a group leaving a blank space, if it comes to it, but it hasn't yet.
Posted by: David Dyer-Bennet | Tuesday, 27 July 2021 at 02:57 PM
Thanks for pointing that fingertip oximeter out, I just ordered it.
Speaking of which I have nineteen year old twins, my daughter will allow me to photograph her my son not so much.
My wife could use that fingertip oximeter, as her preferred pose is with either one or two middle fingers pointed right back at me.
And yet I persist, truth in advertising.
Back to the wristwatch, you made some suggestions but I found my old Fossil Arkitect watch, took it to the mall and had a battery inserted, I am happy, but not sure why I need a watch.
Posted by: Richard Alan Fox | Tuesday, 27 July 2021 at 05:16 PM
My wife intensely dislikes being photographed. She’s been much more amenable to it, though, once I promised that she had the right to delete any image of herself that she doesn’t like. Most get deleted, but every once in a while one passes muster and gets to stay in the files.
Posted by: Mark | Wednesday, 28 July 2021 at 12:09 AM
Thank you for the oxymeter info Mike. I just ordered it.
Posted by: David Lee | Wednesday, 28 July 2021 at 06:27 AM
Marc Lawrence-Howe...you said it! I hated having my picture taken, and started becoming involved in photography in my early teens to always be on the "right side of the camera", who knew I'd be good at it and get a career, altho not particularly a good one...
Best photo ever taken of me? I was working a lighting crew and talent didn't show for a simple close-up of the product in front of a face. They basically forced me to pose, and the stylist made me up. I looked like a million bucks! I went from Quasimodo to pretty good. Some sort of lesson learned...
Posted by: Crabby Umbo | Wednesday, 28 July 2021 at 08:46 AM
I guess the other strategy might be to tell the unwilling to take up photography — then there’ll never be any photos of themselves ;-).
Posted by: Richard Parkin | Wednesday, 28 July 2021 at 11:45 AM