Open Mike: Two Heads (OT)

"And you know two heads are better than one."

—Annie Ross, "Twisted," 1952

I raised my son alone. The short (short-short) version of the story is that his mother was a girlfriend who got pregnant by accident and opted not to have an abortion. Unfortunately, she also decided not to tell me. She broke up with me out of the blue, successfully kept her pregnancy secret up to the last minute, and put her baby—which turned out to be my baby—up for adoption. By a far-fetched chain of frankly unlikely circumstances, I got wind of all this right before my son was born. First I had to figure out whether I had anything to do with it, then I had to decide what to do, then I had to do it—and then I had to bring a newborn home, to a brown paper sack of hastily-bought diapers and formula and other baby supplies sitting on the living room floor. All this across the span of just a few days. In the end, plans hurriedly put into place fell apart anyway, and the motley cast of characters—me, her, her mother, the adoptive couple, everyone's lawyers, everyone's friends, a judge at a dinner party, and a newborn baby boy—barreled headlong into full-fledged crisis mode culminating in a dramatic denouement worthy of a movie. Most people have nine months (more or less) to prepare for the arrival of a new baby. I had nine hours.

I mean, I never see things coming anyway. But that was ridiculous.

In those chaotic early days as "the Dad without a clue"—the neonate daycare provider's nickname for me—one of my standard jokes was, "There's a reason God gave parents two heads and four hands. It's because that's how many you need." Believe me when I tell you, my brother, my sister, because I know: one head and two hands often falls short of the minimum required.

I'm feeling that way again lately. I have difficulty making decisions. I'm comfortable keeping decisions open until the last second, and I dislike closure. When people ask me if I might be free at such-and-such a time at some date months into the future, I realize my brain works differently than theirs. I can hardly plan for next week, much less November. People able to plan years ahead sometimes seem like Martians to me.

I'm also an "idealist type," able, with breathless ease, to envision the way things "should be." The downside of this visionary ability is that I'm impractical. I walk around with ideas in my head that really should be "brought into relationship" by being shared with others, so those others can but a brake on the thought patterns that are far-out and essentially fantastic. Bringing others into the loop helps me sort plausible ideas from implausible ones.

Lately I'm having a tough time planning. I've made a series of steps to shed some of those illusions I was just talking about and to view my situation with cold-hearted realism. Trying hard to see things as they really are. 

But you know what the biggest problem is for me, really? Too few heads!

I know that a lot of you out there are married. And a lot of my friends who are "old marrieds" sometimes talk about their spouses with a casualness that seems, to me, to almost border on contempt sometimes. It startles me when I hear it, if "shocks" is too strong a word. I know being married can be routine, sometimes boring, that sometimes it's easy to take the other person for granted, all that.

But from where I sit, y'all ought to be grateful every day! At the very least, every thought in your head stays "in relationship," because you can put it out there to your spouse and he or she can weigh in. It's one thing we humans need—another perspective. It's a steadying hand on the tiller.

And it's just a heck of a lot easier to make decisions with two people than it is with one. I've worked and worked, but I can't figure out logically what I ought to do to further prepare for the years I still hope are waiting in my future. Stay where I am? A local move? An interstate move? Retrain for a new job? (I've been looking at the Nutrition Certification program at Cornell. Should I do that? Danged if I know.) Refinance?—this bugs me, but I cannot even figure out if I should refinance my mortgage. I cannot for the life of me sort out all the numbers. There are too many aspects to all these decisions vectoring in from every which way—including intangibles like sentimentality (I love my house), proximity to loved ones (I'm far away from my son), the possibility of future disabilities (and who ever knows about that?)—on and on goeth the list. Everything interlaces and interferes with everything else. I can't sort everything out.

Well, haven't yet, anyway. It's been distracting me. "Driving me crazy," as the expression goes.

If you have two heads to help guide you on the voyage through life, wake up every morning grateful, is all I can say. Never take that gift for granted. Singletons like me get storm-tossed.

The great husband-and-wife Broadway thespians Alfred Lunt and Lynn Fontanne, who always worked as a team and wouldn't take parts solo, used to work out their performances by sitting on the floor facing each other. They'd lock legs and read through a new script until they both understood their own and each other's part, and until they both agreed how every line, every movement, and every scene between them was going to go. Some things you just can't do alone.

It's not like being single is the worst thing in the world, and I'm not complaining. I was talking about it with a same-age friend a few weeks back. He's been through long stretches alone and long stretches married, and he thought for a few moments and said, each one has advantages and disadvantages. That's probably right. But if you happen to be partnered, count your blessings, that's all. From this side of the fence, your grass looks greener than it is over here.

I'll get over this confusion. And, yeah, I'll probably [heaves sigh] make another bad decision. As I say, I have trouble with decisions. I do wish someone else was in it with me.

When I heard the original version of that song, Annie Ross's, on XM Radio the other day in the car—the song was later made famous for my generation, of course, by Joni Mitchell—that line at the end suddenly had a whole new meaning!

Mike

"Open Mike" is the often off-topic, anything-goes Editorial Page of TOP. When everything is going according to the prearranged plan, it appears on Wednesdays.

Original contents copyright 2020 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.

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(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Geoff Wittig: "Familiarity can of course lead to taking people for granted, but that is certainly not the case for me. My wife and I met in college and this will be our 40th year of marriage come December. We have never been apart for longer than a week...until this year. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, she has been in South Carolina since early May watching our two little grandchildren while my daughter and her husband work full time. Initially day care and schools closed due to the virus. They are now reopening, but the pandemic is still burning out of control through most of the South, so I have advised my daughter not to send her kids into harm's way, but to keep them safe at home. I visited South Carolina the first week in June; since then my wife and I have been physically apart for two months while I work as a family physician not too far from TOP World Headquarters. We talk every night on the phone or via face time, but the separation has been utterly traumatic. I feel like I'm missing half of my person."

Steven ralser: "We can relate to your nine hours. both our children are adopted. With our oldest we got a phone call at 9 a.m., and the adoption agency said they had a three-day-old boy available for adoption. They also said if you all get along (us and the baby's mother) the baby can go home with you that day. We were an hour and half from the hospital. Before we left we got another call asking if we had a name picked out. So there we were driving north thinking about names.

"Everything worked out and we left the hospital with our son. As we said we would adopt a child up to five years old, we had nothing prepared. Some people knew we were adopting, so first stop was some friends in Albuquerque who had been saving baby clothes for us. We made a call to a friend in Socorro (where we lived at the time)—he had an old crib for us; and we went shopping for baby supplies in the local supermarket (on the sly because no one else knew what we had planned, and in a small town everyone knows everyone). So there we were, new parents with less than nine hours notice."

Peter Wright: "It had not occurred to me before I read this, but I am essentially at the other extreme. I make my decisions, including the important ones like which country to live in, where to buy a house, who to marry, which job to take, etc. very fast; usually only a few days. Luckily, I have never regretted any of these decisions. (Looking back, when I have made mistakes it was because I was just drifting and not realizing that a decision actually needed to be made, and I was too dumb to know.)

"I remember some years back being astonished at a colleague who could not decide whether to take a position in the company we worked for that would involve moving to another country. He thought about it seemingly endlessly. 'Don't you just know?' I kept saying to him in exasperation—it didn't seem to help."

"Minor (very minor) case in point. Did you get your audio streaming sorted out? I was expecting to see a post on it by now. When you posted on this about four weeks back, I thought it seemed a good idea, but digging into it I discovered I didn't know a toslink from Twonky, or a dBPowerAmplifier from a Raspberry Pi with a hat. But...I have now had my system up and running for about two weeks and I'm giving Tidal a good workout. Very much enjoying it all! So thanks!"

Mike replies: Yes, people have expressed the same sort of exasperation with me sometimes. Even when the decision is simple I sometimes can't help second-guessing myself. I wonder if children can be helped to learn how to be decisive?

The Cambridge CXN v.2 from B&H is still sitting right here in a box in my office, unopened. I can't decide whether to open it or return it. So, good case in point!

UPDATE Friday: I sent the Cambridge CXN v.2 streamer back to B&H. Not only that, but I made a resolution to never spend another dime on stereo equipment in my life. I listen to music sitting at my computer; my computer system is already extremely good and wonderfully enjoyable; I really just don't need to dabble with anything else. Simplifying involves being happy with what you have—when you can! I am very happy I learned about Roon and Quobuz (similar to your Tidal), though. Both those usefully kicked my enjoyment up another notch.

Terry Burnes: "Well over half of us are going to be alone at the end. Singles certainly but also half of married people. You might be better prepared for that than most of us, especially than a married man who has come to rely heavily on a spouse no longer around. And while you might wish for a partner to help you though the future, the simple truth is that you could end up being the partner who has the burden of helping his spouse through a long difficult demise. Talk about challenging and unpleasant decisions. I try to spend more time appreciating what I have than wishing or scheming for something better."

John Camp: "One of the unusual things about being a novelist is the decision-making process. A reader usually reads a novel straight through and the book looks like one piece. But it's not. You maybe write a thousand words or even a few thousand, representing dozens of decisions about plot, character, tone, balance between dialogue and narrative, and so on. Then you revise, throwing out old decisions, making new ones. Then you write forward again, and revise again, often going back to the first chapters and reworking to account for decisions you made about plot turns and characters later in the novel. I've rewritten the first few paragraphs of a couple of novels as the last thing I did before submitting the manuscript to the publisher. That's after months of work and revisions. I don't consider that an inability to be decisive, I think of it as 'mulling it over.' And I think that applies to life as well as novels—you're sort of groping your way forward, because you really don't know what's coming down the road at you.

"I worked for almost 20 years for a very large newspaper corporation. A huge premium is placed on an editorial manager's ability to make good accurate decisions on an hourly and daily basis, and then doing it again the next day. That carried upward into the top levels of management. To get ahead, you had to be quick and decisive even if you were wrong—in that kind of atmosphere, nobody much remembered the mistakes made a few weeks earlier. Nobody was mulling things over, looking for complicated changes in culture. There just wasn't time...the managers believed. You gotta be tough and decisive, you gotta get on with it. The company never saw the Internet coming. Never saw the cultural changes going on around it. The company no longer exists."

Comments

[Jeff1000]

This may be presumptuous of me, but from my distant perch, you seem to check a lot of the boxes for what is currently labelled as ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), and was formerly known as Asperger's Syndrome, and still relevant, as a group, we just call ourselves Aspies.

[Edward Taylor]

Mike, I am also single. I don't really like it one bit. When I was younger (and better looking), it seemed like there were endless opportunities that I didn't take advantage of. Now, to be honest, it seems hopeless. So I expect to be alone the rest of my life.

I am commenting because I do have some advice for you. As you say, life is complex and it is difficult to make hard decisions especially by yourself. But, even if you are single, you don't have to be by yourself. I have two sons. I also raised them myself from a young age. I live where I live because it is where they live. They are by far my greatest source of happiness even though they are all grown with families of their own. And, they have given me 6 grandchildren.

So, if you want to cut through all the white noise and make the best decision of your life, the simple answer is to get close to your son and grow old with him. I know how much you and your son care for each other. Proximity is important. Texting, calling, and Facetime can't take you out to dinner or give you a hug. Bring your son to NY or move near him and begin a life dedicated to family and you will never be alone.

[Keith Trumbo]

Dear Mike,
The honesty of your words and willingness to be this vulnerable takes immense courage. Thank you for your integrity.
Kind regards,
Keith Trumbo

[John Krumm]

I don't take my wife for granted, and I feel appreciated by her. Got together in 1987 in our early twenties after I sort of "stole" her away from a friend who had designs but less luck. We come from a fairly similar class background, and I think that helps (not much money, poor savers, few assets). But we also have a similar intellectual outlook and general curiosity and political compatibility. She's way more professionally ambitious and successful, and I'm way better at handling our books. Probably the biggest difference is that she is Native American and Asian, and I'm white as can be. It's not always perfect, but it's usually very good. So let me say that your words convey well your ache for companionship, and I hope you still find it.

[Yonatan Katznelson]

I agree, with one caveat - they have to be the right two heads. I've tried it both ways, and the wrong two heads can make life decidedly worse than it is with one head. Happily I've been enjoying the right two-headed life for 22+ years now.

It's not always easy having to compromise with, or see things from the perspective of another head. But the love, joy, laughter and 4 hands (now 8) far outweigh the rare clouds that occasionally 'lour' upon our house.

[Jnny]

Recently a family member accused some other family members of a grievous wrong. We were all asked to sit in on a reconciliation process. After the second session of the process, I was feeling like the process was bullshit and didn't address any of the issues. I told my wife my concerns expecting her to call me an insensitive clod and to shut up. To my amazement she agreed with my assessment and said I wasn't being an ass to call BS on the process. I was thankful for the second head instead of having to stew in my discomfort.

[Josh Hawkins]

For what it's worth I always wondered how you did it all alone, raising your son and running a magazine. Then I had kids, and you've always been a benchmark of what's possible, for some people, I still have no idea how you did it. As my kids have gotten older, older than your son when he was at the camera store, I've always just wanted my kids to be as good of kids as yours. I'm not saying either you or your son are perfect, just that you did a pretty damn good job from what I've seen.

[Malcolm Leader]

Mike, I feel for your struggles but, everyone struggles, everyone has their own demons. I really would advise looking for counseling. It sure helped me and I have been happily married for 43 years - albeit with many a bump - some serious. I still cherish every day. I think maybe you're taking daily things too seriously. Overthinking things and worrying too much about the small stuff - which can inflate in one's brain into big stuff. It isn't all small stuff, of course.
It is difficult to learn to really relax. Really relax. Music is good and walks in the countryside are better. Play with the dog! I'm older than you are and I can't begin to imagine what starting anew with a new partner would be like but maybe that is something you should consider. Two heads are way better than one - when they are linked.

[Dan Khong]

Mike

Having just one special friend (even if you have not met and just an email pal) helps to walk alongside you in life's joys and struggles and decisions.

You have a lot to choose from in your following of readers. However, being good in photography is not necessarily good in the wisdom and visions of life.

Dan K.

[Crabby Umbo]

I'm on the "downward arc". Over 65, had to get social security early because no one would hire someone my age: if you are in media, forget it. Because I had older parents, I basically had to put whatever career I had on hold while dealing with very aging parents when I was only in my late 40's and early 50's. Very little income while that was going on, and very little opportunity to work on after it was over.

Never been married. I think there are many people that have wonderful married relationships for a number of year, maybe forever, and as somewhat a romantic, I think that's lovely. BUT, not open to many people, nor was it open to me. The U.S. doesn't have a 50+ percent divorce rate because people are making smart decisions.

It's almost impossible for a decent middle class income to pay for a decent house, it takes two incomes; and it's been like that for over 40 years. That "house drive" is responsible for more bad marriages that you can shake a stick at! Whether it's been where I lived, or my sociological situation; I wouldn't have had a successful marriage with 99.5% of any of the women that have been available to me! Every place in the world, and America, is "different", so there's been places where I far more appreciated the women I've met, than the mid-west fly-over I live in now. As long as I'm here...impossible...

People often ask me, especially the women, if I'm "lonely" or "sad". I always say I'm no where near as sad and lonely as I would have been if I had gotten married to almost any woman that I have known; there's only a few that were special enough to be the right one, and... extenuating circumstances...

People say that you could be successfully married to 4 people within five square miles of where you are right now, and I say...poppycock! I've lived in cities where the majority of the population doesn't think like me at all, or have a clue, or at least MY clue!

I'm living in a tiny apartment on very little social security, I have a storage space that needs to be sold off; all this in the mid-west. When I can get out from this, I will move to one of the areas of the country where I have a better sociologically chance of meeting people and having decent conversations , places I've lived in before. Since I was a freelance for years, I know how to live "small", and that will happen going forward.

What I want to do is spend the rest of my life on earth with smart people and hopefully not work with some of the people and situations I've been involved with in the past!

[Michael J. Perini]

Mike,
You really should write that book, it is an amazing story and it deserves to be told. You did an heroic thing, that changed his life, and yours.
You did it at great personal cost, you jumped into the abyss without knowing what that cost would be. You signed a blank check to save your son. I'm sure the rewards have been worth it, many time over, but that doesn't mean those costs have not taken a toll.
You did what you did, because you knew it was right.
Pure and simple.
At this point in your life, you no longer need to take care of him, but perhaps you both need to take care of each other by being present in each others lives. It was you and him against the world for a long time, being closer to him seems like it completes the story.
I have four grown and married children, and it is the greatest gift of my life that we are all near each other. It is the completion of a perfect circle. I wish the same for you.

[Kye Wood]

This will be counter intuitive. But. Step 1. Move. Move to somewhere with the most sunny days and the lowest crime rate. Sunny days nurture your mental health (and photography) and low crime is indicative of economic stability and job opportunities. Step 2. Once there, lay down roots. Volunteer. Step outside Mikes zone of comfort.

And finally step 3. Be infinitely patient. It gives immediate results.

[Jack]

May I suggest you make a formal partnership with your son.
Turns out adult sons are quite willing to be a second heads, and usually good ones.

[Andrew Bearman]

This is the best thing I've read on the Internet today.

Thank you for an honest walk through your current state-of-mind, and for the Playboy After Dark clip. I'll take to heart your advice to appreciate my partner; you are right. As someone facing retirement and the myriad decisions that go with it, I sympathize. So many possibilities! Move somewhere warm, stay where I am, sell the house / rent the house, buy an RV... What to choose? I better figure it out fast, I tell myself; no room for errors, because tick tock, you're not 25.

But the choosing keeps us in the game, doesn't it? That, and good music. Keep singing! Rage on.

[Dave Jenkins]

Mike -- two points:

1. My wife died when our son was 22 months old. It was more than two years later before I remarried, so I have some knowledge of what you went through, but I did not have to begin with a newborn infant. I have told you before, and tell you again how greatly I respect you for keeping and raising your son. I hope he brings you increasing joy as the years go by.

2. About indecisiveness: You might consider adopting my motto: "Indecisiveness is the key to flexibility." That's my motto, and I live up to it every day.

[Wow, Dave. You have shared that with me before. What a hardship to go through grief being responsible for a small child...my hat's really off to you. --Mike]

[I am woman, hear me roar]

I have occasionally read this blog for a few years. One theme I hear repeated when you are lonely or depressed is your need for a woman. Needing a woman and being in a loving relationship with a woman are totally different relationships. Admit whatever you have done or did not do that has put you squarely where you are at and live with it. A woman is not going to magically appear and fix your hurts. My guess is you are a difficult personality type or have had unrealistic expectations and find yourself alone at retirement age. Some men in your shoes find what they are looking for in the Philippines. There are YouTube videos created by American men explaining their journey finding a Filipino wife. Some say they went this route because they are retired, alone and broke. Poor planning is another way of looking at it in my view, but I understand why some came to this choice, and I also understand why a woman with financial independence chooses male friends and not an old geezer she has to put up with. BTW, most women at retirement age are not looking to be a nurse or purse to anyone except the man she may have fathered children with or has spent years with in a loving relationship.

[Paul in AZ]

Kudos for having the courage to not only recognize what is going on but to openly discuss it.
A 'geographical cure' is always tempting but we know how those moves usually turn out.
Your group may not be functioning in this COVID environment [mine is but I think it is too risky to go] but this the sort of scene where a sponsor is useful.

[Dave Jenkins]

My hat’s off to you, Mike. I think you had it harder than I did.

[Gary]

I knew the song from the Bette Midler cover. Didn't know Joni Mitchel had done it.

[Bill Tyler]

On a lighter note, the headline for this piece brought Zaphod Beeblebrox to mind. The two heads thing seemed to work out just fine for him.

[beuler]

You may want to look into the relationship between low testosterone and inability to make decisions. Weird, right? As a fellow procrastinator, last minute decisions are my specialty (except when the decision is made for me by circumstances because I failed to act). I am looking into this testosterone thing and it could be one of the reasons why weight lifting makes me feel "action oriented". I don't know enough about this topic yet, so "look into it" is as much advice as I can give.

[Tim Auger]

I am the least proactive person in the world. I have had to make major decisions, sometimes courageous ones, but they have almost always been responses to circumstances, specific challenges or dilemmas. Where a decision does not have to be made *now*. it tends not to be made. Which is why I am the worst financial manager, leaving my savings for years in bank accounts paying virtually no interest ... When I do make a decision, the euphoria is real. I'm no fan of Nike, but they got one thing right: 'Just do it'. You'll feel better afterwards.
PS: Do as I say, not as I do.

[Yoram]

Remember, there is a very thin border between someone helping you to make decisions and someone making decisions for you. Or as my wife once told me (and I keep reminding her) - "Your problem in life is that you don't do what I tell you"

[Frank Worley]

Hi Mike,

what worked for me for making decisions - make a plan, work the plan as things change. In that process, strive for perfection on things you fully control ( like framing a shot ) and accept that most things are those which you cannot control and they will be not be perfect, but likely "good enough". Then i can let go of the anxiety about making my decisions.

[Robert Roaldi]

This may be completely off the mark. From the publications you read, the fact that you read them I mean and not their political slant which is a minor issue, it seems that you take seriously what happens to others in your society. At this moment, that is not a happy place and it could be that whatever personal struggles with decision-making you might be having, exposing yourself to that high a level of political bullshit (sorry, there is no other word) is not helping you. It's not right to turn a blind eye to it, but you should ration how much you injest, it takes energy.
One other commenter suggested volunteering in your community. That could work on many levels. Aside from forcing you to meet other people and solving different problems from your own, it might be fun. Doesn't have to be caring for the sick and needy, could be something like sound stage management at a community theatre. Write a column for a local community newspaper. Teach photography criticism at a local high school. Just thinking out loud here, volunteering need not mean ladling out soup to the homeless, but it could mean that of course.
That's my two cents, but it's not like I'm any good at things like things myself.

[Gordon Lewis]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but when it came to making one of the most momentous decisions of your life (taking custody of your infant son), you acted within a matter of days. As I recall, you were similarly purposeful in your decision to move from Wisconsin to upstate New York. It's the smaller, less consequential decisions you seem to have the most trouble with. These aren't answers to the problem, of course; just observations. Are they reasonably accurate? If so, what do you make of them?

[Bob G.]

Could it be that we, your readership and respondents, are your alt-significant others in which we offer many heads of advice?

[Mark Price]

Mike, I only discovered your site today. This has been one of the most moving threads I have read for a long time. thank you for sparking off the conversation. For my two pen'noth (short for twopenny-worth of wisdom) I would say those of you with partners - tell them you love them, and tell them often. Those with children, be sure to treasure every moment.

You never know when the good times may get snatched away.

Hopefully you are all of the 'cup half full' mindest. In other words, when you are asked how are you today, you can say 'I am blessed'.

[Marilyn Nance]

Not making a decision is still making a decision.

[MikeR]

Michael J. Perini above has put into words almost all that I've wanted to say. I think many of us have weathered difficult situations and times, and probably don't talk about them much. I won't attempt to offer any advice. It's your life to live, and what the hell do I know about it?

[MM]

Ooh, life-coaching for someone we all care about. Count me in!

My two assumptions:

1. You should keep doing TOP for as long as you’re interested in doing so. Don’t you see, Mike, that THIS is your “10,000 hours”? (More, of course.) Malcolm Gladwell’s principle of expertise isn’t just for violinists and tennis players: if you’re one of the best in the English-speaking world at what you do, why not stay with it? You were smart enough or lucky enough to choose a career that relies not on youth and athleticism but on experience, wisdom, and perspective, so why abandon it when you’re in your prime?

2. You need a change of scenery. Well, you need a change of something or you wouldn’t be musing publicly about it, and if #1 is a given then something else has to change. So I’ll go with something you can control, “scenery,” because it'll be good for both your soul and for what you write.

My thoughts:

A. You’re younger than you think (a lot of your readers would love to be as young as you are). So don’t start drawing the curtains, or it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy and you’ll age faster than you otherwise would.

B. I get the thing about Zander, but it seems too early to build your life around him and some hypothetical grandchildren (unless he’s more planted and rooted than I’m aware of). Someday, perhaps, but not yet? Maybe simply being closer to a major airport would address that need for now.

C. Never, ever assume that you won’t find a female life partner. I have spent many hours in the past decade working with older adults, and I can say from extensive observation that men older than you often have it very good. It’s just a matter of finding situations in which to make in-person (not online) connections.

D. You’ve alluded to some level of Seasonal Affective Disorder or the like, so you probably shouldn’t resettle too far north, where winters can be long. But you also seem to appreciate some change of seasons, so I don’t see you in Florida, Arizona, or anywhere else that the only two seasons are “hot” and “very hot.”

E. I think you appreciate having easy access to natural beauty, albeit perhaps in a more varied landscape than you had in the Upper Midwest.

F. You also seem to value exposure to intellectualism, culture, and history more than through your computer screen.

G. Thus I’d vote for being in or near a mid-sized city, maybe with a university or two nearby to provide additional intellectual/musical/cultural stimulation (and continuing ed classes; see "C" above). Having access to a good train system into the city would be excellent if you live outside of town.

H. It would be great if you chose an area that was easy for others to get to. I still would like to see you facilitate some photographic roundtables, to which a small group of TOP’ers could fly in, stay in a B&B, and spend a couple of days talking about photography and life. Maybe not [only] comparing each other’s photos as in a traditional workshop, but focusing on one or two famous photographers’ work with perhaps discussions centered on a single book or two that everyone would have read.

J. When looking for a new home, focus not just on the region/climate/city but on the specific block. Seriously; this is crucial. Do you need a car to get anywhere interesting or can you walk to shops, to the library, to the grocery store, maybe to church? (You'd definitely benefit from more friendly "Hello's" from fellow townspeople than you're getting now.) Quite importantly, how close is the nearest good medical center? And can you find a residence where you don’t personally have to do all the maintenance but the homeowner-association fees aren’t cripplingly high?

K. Keep those monthly expenses as low as possible. Every dollar you can save will multiply as you get older.

L. I’m thinking somewhere in the eastern US, perhaps somewhere in North Carolina. (No, I’ve never lived there, I have no idea about tax rates, etc etc. It just seems like it has a lot of the right stuff.)

M. And finally, watch “The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” [again] if you haven’t seen it [lately]. India isn’t my own cup of tea, but the transformation in liveliness from the gray mood of the opening scenes to the colorful spirit of the closing scenes should be inspiring to anyone pondering their golden years.

Good luck!

[Will F]

This would make a good book!

[hugh crawford]

I had the pleasure of seeing Annie Ross sing "Twisted" at Brooklyn Reading Works' Tribute" Court and Spark turns 40" at the Old Stone House in Brooklyn, produced by my wife Louise Crawford
https://vimeo.com/channels/brw/84825826
There is a longish funny story about how Annie found out about the evening and insisted that she sing her song. That evening it was a sort of "no green room? I'll wait in my car" thing, but as you can see in the performance she gave it her all.
Afterward, the donations didn't quite add up to her fee and I had to run across the street to the bodega to get a couple hundred dollars extra.
An article about the event https://jonimitchell.com/library/view.cfm?id=2736 and Jonie's commentary (it's really funny) https://jonimitchell.com/music/song.cfm?id=67

Another parallel, part of the story of the autobiographical "Court and Spark" was that Join Mitchel wrote it in part to deal with her depression from giving up a child for adoption.

I could throw in the parallels to my situation with my wife, but it's too, well, you know.

Annie Ross died last week on July 21, a really cool lady.

[Chris Beloin]

Greetings Mike:

Thanks for sharing - many middle-aged men often keep too much inside ,until things happen, then it may by too late to recover.

I have some thoughts on this but contact me at [email protected]. Thanks - Chris in Wisconsin.

[Phil]

Regarding that Cambridge XXX sitting in the box. You better hurry: I let a voice recorder unpacked for 3 weeks, then discovered it had to be returned within 30 days! (P.S. It is still in the box.)
I had the same problem when I got out of the army. After 2 years of not having to decide what to cook, what to wear, when to get up, etc. I couldn't plan some 3 days ahead. If somebody invited me to dinner in 2 weeks, I had to put a big note on the floor which I would step over each day. The best suggestion I have: don't get too close to anyone who carries an overstuffed daily planner wherever they go.

[tim lachina]

annie ross passed away last week

[Bob Johnston]

I can totally relate Mike. I lost my wife of 41 years to cancer in 2012 and I still miss her like crazy. When you are alone there is a tendency to think too much. You dwell on what might be instead of making the best of the moment. The present Covid situation shows how we cannot see the future. You are very much appreciated by your readers and are doing something that you love. What could be better than that? Although your son lives many miles away I am sure that when you find yourself in crisis he will be there for you, as you were for him.

[Patrick Dodds]

Great post Mike, thank you.

[Richard Parkin]

Given your age & finances the area you live in seems potentially impractical as you get older. Commenter MM has given most of the reasons in his/her points “E through L”.

[Phil]

Lovely post Mike. I’m familiar with the difficulties of making those kinds of big decisions. The difficulty even has a name, Fredkin’s Paradox: “ The more equally attractive two alternatives seem, the harder it can be to choose between them – no matter that, to the same degree, the choice can only matter less.”

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/oct/19/this-column-will-change-your-life-oliver-burkeman

As interesting as this is, unfortunately I haven’t found that knowing this makes the decision-making any easier.

[David Steinhart]

My wife is sick at the moment - been out cold for the last day with a migraine. So I'm back to being the decision maker, for both of us.

[DB]

@ John Camp: in what sense does the Pioneer Press not exist any more? Many (most?) companies evolve and bear little resemblance to their form from several decades ago. I'm curious, would love to understand.

[John Camp]

@DB -- Individual papers survive, but in greatly attenuated form. But I was referring to the corporate owners, Knight-Ridder Corp., once the leading publisher by circulation and second by revenues. It disappeared in 2006. Now the chain that bought out the remnants of KNR (McClatchy) has in the last week been sold to a hedge fund.

[DB]

Thank you @ John Camp

[JimK]

Hey Mike,

We've touched on this before, but as I was coming out of a 30 year marriage--I needed to decide if I was gonna live 'alone' with the dogs (and remaining kids), or attempt to find someone to love. I was pretty hesitant about doing the latter--lots of self-doubt about the process as well as being out of the game for so long.

What helped me to take the plunge was a beautifully written blog column by this Mike Johnston guy right here... I wish I could find the post, but you illustrated how important it was for you to get out in the world, state your intentions, and allow the community to help you where they could. I'm forever grateful to you for that post (and the rest of your writings too... even the pool stuff). Taking that advice to heart and allowing lightning to strike (or God to work, as this Catholic boy would say), it worked out ridiculously well for me.

I wish you all the best, and hope that what you're looking for finds you!

[I'm happy about that. I remember that post and it's a consolation to me that it worked out well for you. Didn't for me; but them's the breaks and there's no point crying about it. Maybe the post was for you, not me! --Mike]

[Peter Barnes]

Who can plan in the middle (is it the middle, or just the beginning?) of a pandemic like this one? So much disruption, so much uncertainty. I ain't planning nothin' right now. A day at a time. And if anyone asks me anything that involves any sort of prediction or assumption about the future my default response is "Pharquenoes" and a shrug.