Sunday Support Group: Super Bowl Self-Pity

Well, boo-hoo.

My buddy Jerry is having a Super Bowl party tonight, and lots of my friends will be there. Darlynn is doing the cooking, and others are bringing desserts and hors d'oeuvres, which means there will be tasty food aplenty. I bet it's going to be a good time. It was last year.

And I can't go.

No biggie—I'm just sick. There's this virus that's been going around that apparently ebbs and flows for between four and eight (!!) weeks. (That's two months...I've never been sick for two months.) As of tomorrow, I'll have been at least mildly sick-ish for four weeks, so I'm at least getting into the range where I might actually get better.

But at the moment, I'm beset by typical cold symptoms—cough, sneezing, sniffles. To insert my infected self into a small space crammed with people of all ages, from babies to geezers...well, that would be wrong. Unkind and inconsiderate.

As far as I know I can't even watch the game, because I haven't owned a TV since 2014 and don't have a cable contract, and I don't think it's possible to pay for one game on a one-time basis. This makes no sense—you'd think they could just stream the game and its commercials online, same as broadcast TV. I guess it's because the cable companies don't want renegades like moi running end-arounds on their well-defended turf. But I don't know.

The willingness to change
The 12-step program of which I'm a member (I do not represent it, so I will not name it), because its root purpose is to save imperiled lives, is relentlessly practical. It consistently employs a sort of seat-of-the-pants cognitive processing therapy, which is a fancy way of saying that it tries to help you change the way you feel by changing the way you think. At every turn, the program suggests practical solutions. What I've learned recently is that whenever I'm disturbed, and in whatever way—for example when I feel fearful, angry, resentful, sad, hopeless, etc.—it's actually an opportunity—an opportunity to "practice the program" as we say. What's the solution the program suggests? I have to figure that out.

The first important thing is to recognize what's bothering me. Was it an assault on my ego? Do I think I was treated unjustly? A depressive or despairing train of thought?* Next I have to figure out how the program applies. So I have to figure out what motivated me to feel bad, and then I have to figure out what's suggested to me as a solution. Sometimes this takes a rather ridiculously long time, because, as with most humans, I'm a mystery to myself, and my real motives sometimes remain hidden from my conscious awareness. Then, when I do become aware of what I'm doing, I sometimes have no idea at first what the program tells me to do about it. What applies? The answer usually dawns on my small brain gradually. (Curly from the Three Stooges: "I'm tryin' to think—but nothing happens!")

This has two practical effects. Firstly it diverts my thinking—I immediately stop perseverating** on whatever is bothering me and turn my thoughts to what I'm supposed to do about it. The second (and here's the beauty of it) is that it turns every bad feeling into an opportunity to think differently. Any negative feeling becomes yet another potential opportunity to practice the program.

It's beautiful the way it works.

I always use traffic examples, because they're so simple. Let's say I'm angry at the person in front of me for driving so slowly. The root cause turns out to be not anger, but anxiety—I'm supposed to play pool at 10:00 and I didn't leave the house on time (note: my own fault) I'm worried about being late. What does the program tell me to do? The first, obvious, answer is to have patience with the person in front of me. But the real answer is to confront my own anxiety. What's the worst that could happen? I'll be five or ten minutes late. What's so bad about that? I'll have to take a little good-natured ribbing for being late ("Well, good afternoon!" "Nice of you to show up!"), but nobody will be inconvenienced much. It's really no big deal. So I relax about it and settle my anxiety and drive behind the person in front of me calmly and without agitation. I feel better.

That's a trivial example, but, as I said, every negative feeling or emotion can be processed this way. Recognize it for what it is and then divert your attention to the solution for it.

Doing this regularly has made me significantly happier and more contented day-to-day.

Ego in another guise
Self-pity is one of those negative feelings that typically trouble me. It's one of my "character defects," as we say. In reality, self-pity is actually egotistical—it's the flip side of entitlement. With self-pity we're saying, in effect, that we are special, because things should always go right for us. Even though things don't go right all the time for anyone, they should for us. So then it follows that when they don't, we're entitled to feel aggrieved and put-upon and sorry for ourselves. Right? We've been victimized by circumstances. What, other people should get sick at inconvenient times and miss parties, but I should never?

You can see how ridiculous that is. Actually everybody gets sick, and being sick inconveniences us by interrupting our activities and interfering with our plans, and it's the same way for everyone. "Spit Happens," in the words of the famous baby's bib. Why should I be any different? There's nothing special about me that says I shouldn't get viruses. I'm not entitled to constant uninterrupted good health, considering that nobody else in the world is.

In this situation, the program suggests that I should deliberately use gratitude. I have a relative who has a grievous degenerative disorder, and he's in my thoughts every day. He's making the best he can of a grave situation. And I have a good friend here, a very intelligent guy who has many friends and a good life, who just a few weeks ago was diagnosed with Alzheimers at an otherwise healthy age 76.

And I should sit here and feel sorry for myself because I have a cold?

Not on your life. I'm lucky, "despite."

I plan to have a good day today. Don't know how, yet, exactly, but I'll try to be open to whatever happens. I'll see all those people other times. There will be other parties. Most likely, I'll get better.

If you plan to watch the Super Bowl or you've got a party to go to this afternoon, do me a favor and enjoy it.  :-)  Life is good.

Mike

*(A classic example of these was the garbage scene in the 1989 film Sex Lies and Videotape.)

**A fancy but useful word. It means "to repeat or prolong an action, thought, or utterance after the stimulus that prompted it has ceased."

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(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Weekes James: "Every, and I mean every, time I feel sorry for myself over some inconvenience of age or circumstance, the universe finds a way to, very quickly, show me how lucky I really am. One example is my slowly deteriorating hip. I was having a bad day with it and feeling whiny. Came into my gym and saw a man, older than me, attaching his prosthesis to his leg. Oops. I am lucky."

Keith: "The Super Bowl is another football game to be ignored, just like every other football, basketball, hockey, whatever, professional sports game. I say 'bread and circuses' to myself and move on to what interests me.

"The traffic analogy works really well for lots of things. We have a destination, maybe several of them along the way. We set out hopefully. In years past we knew little about traffic conditions or construction, and know slightly more now, but s[pit] still happens and we have to cope. Maybe we take a detour. Maybe we chant calming mantras to ourselves. Some explode in road rage.

"I've found the easiest single way to avoid the rage is to leave plenty of time for the journey. It will take as long as it takes; you might as well at least try to enjoy what you can of it. Most of the time, if you leave a bit early, there will be no issues—you'll get rock star parking, the elevator will be there waiting for you. Or maybe there are issues and you arrive just on time. Start a little late and of course there will be construction, a demonstration of driving incompetence, the parking lot you want will be full, and on and on it goes."

hugh crawford (partial comment): "I won't be watching—I once was interviewed (anonymously, fortunately) for a cover story in The Saturday Review (remember that?) about not caring for football, and it produced death threats in my small football-obsessed town."

Mike replies: That seems excessive.

Bandbox: "Guess I did too much yesterday because I'm feeling tired. I suppose I could wallow in self pity and whine about the unfairness of it all. But no, not today. Today I'll follow my 4-step program: lie down, read, fall asleep, and wake up for the Super Bowl."

Comments

[Michael Coviello]

Dear Mike,

Consider a Hulu + Live TV subscription. There is a seven day free trial which would at least give you the game for today.

While we access our subscription via our Roku Ultra device, there are many other supported devices (iOS, Android, XBox, various MacOS and Windows 10 web browsers, Apple TV, etc).

To date, this path has worked well in our "cord cutting" efforts.

Hoping you feel better soon.

Regards,
Michael Coviello

[Richard Chomko]

Guide to watching the game online: https://www.theverge.com/entertainment/2020/2/2/21084036/super-bowl-2020-how-to-watch-date-online-time-free-streaming-tv

[Michael Matthews]

Try foxsports.com.

Superbowl streaming (pre-pre-pre-game stuff already running at 2:45 p.m.) free.

[Bruce Hemingway]

foxsports.com in your browser will show the game. It may need a free account.

[Richard Parkin]

Super Bowl. According to https://techcrunch.com/2018/02/04/heres-how-to-stream-the-super-bowl-tonight/ you can watch it in an app on you iPad or online in a browser without paying. Or maybe the wireless?

[Stan B.]

Recently, I stumbled upon some videos of Mike Tyson, yes, that Mike Tyson- the mad bully, off the hook, outta control boxer of years past. He's uhhh... "gone thru some things," and has actually, finally come out the better! Successfully sober for a number of years, he now has a remarkable outlook on life, people and the role of... ego. Yes, Mike Tyson, that Mike Tyson, is now happy to be the humblest of men!

"If I die tomorrow, I was overpaid." -Mike Tyson

[hugh crawford]

The google search for how to stream the super bowl for free seems to turn up a LOT of possibilities.
Fast company has a good roundup https://www.fastcompany.com/90455787/jonathan-adler-tan-france-recharge-on-the-road .

I won't be watching - I once was interviewed ( anonymously fortunately
) for a cover story in The Saturday Review ( remember that ? ) about not caring for football and it produced death threats in my small football obsessed town - but that Doritos commercial looks like fun.

[Mike Plews]

Here in western iowa the super bowl is on the local Fox affiliate. A tv with a uhf antenna should get you a signal provided there is a Fox station nearby.
An even cheaper alternative is a ACTV over the air tuner and a cheap uhf antenna will work provided you have a compatible monitor. It might be useful for those times when local news would be of interest.
You can actually get a pretty good small tv for a few hundred bucks. A tuner would be under fifty.

[Michael Coviello]

Hi again Mike,

There is one downside we have found with Hulu + TV: There is no access to PBS service. While *very* limited PBS programming can be accessed by other means, full access requires membership with a local PBE affiliate (either annual or a one-time donation with incessant calls for further donations). Full PBS access *is* available through Hulu competitor GoogleTV. We have chosen Hulu + Live TV (at least for now) as the pervasive data gathering by Google is extremely disturbing to us. Have no doubt, Hulu also gathers viewing data. At least, it would appear, the data stays within the much more limited Hulu-verse.

Take care,
Michael Coviello

[Richard Chomko]

Watch for free wherever you are. (not that I'm going to watch. I'm not into sports) https://qz.com/1795704/how-to-watch-super-bowl-54-live-and-for-free-from-anywhere/

[Robin]

Stream the game for free:
http://xn--firstrowsport-8xe.eu/football

[Richard Parkin]

Sorry, having read my own link in the earlier comment, I see I can watch it live (no ads on BBC TV here in U.K. Life is cruel isn’t it, I have no interest in football (if it is football, not sure ) and could watch it on TV, phone, iPad, computer or whatever for nothing!

[robert mckeen]

Hi Mike, really good post ,though the majority of the posted comments seemed to miss the real message in it.

My father born 1918 would put me in my place with " I thought i was poor because I could not afford shoe's ,till I saw someone who had no legs" shut me up quickly.

[Ken Ford]

I’ve been feeling sorry for myself over two very different things - some minor surgical complications that just won’t go away, and regret that I didn’t jump on the X-H1 + battery grip closeout deal. Thanks for putting things into perspective.

[Clayton]

If none of the previous suggestions work, you should be able to listen to the game with the TuneIn app.

[Scott]

Paste:

ON YOUR PHONE OR TABLET

If you want to watch the game ... you can stream it for free using:

The Fox Sports app for iOS and Android

The Fox Now app for iOS and Android

The Fox Deportes app for iOS and Android (Spanish broadcast)

The Yahoo Sports app for iOS and Android

The NFL app for iOS and Android

The app of a streaming service that includes Fox (listed above)

Foxsports.com in a web browser

ON YOUR COMPUTER

You can stream Super Bowl 2020 for free at Foxsports.com or you can stream to your desktop through the services listed above, depending on your region.

https://www.theverge.com/entertainment/2020/2/2/21084036/super-bowl-2020-how-to-watch-date-online-time-free-streaming-tv

[Thomas Walsh]

Please, tell me how I can apply this strategy to to my angst over a certain politician that splits his time between DC and Florida?

[Joseph E. Reid]

nfl.com seems to be streaming it free right there on the homepage.

[John]

First and last time I tried to watch the Super Bowl, I lasted 15 minutes before I was utterly bored. Guess after years of living here, I still don’t stand a chance of becoming a real American...

[Scott]

I have arthritis in my hands, which is a relatively minor thing for everyday life since my doctor figured out how to get rid of most of the accompanying pain. But it has pretty much killed my ability to enjoy playing guitar, which I really enjoyed for more than 50 years. Bummed me out, you know?

But then every time I’m sitting in my rheumatologist’s waiting room, I look around at the others waiting and I’m really glad to be me. I try and remember that when I pick up a guitar and get frustrated by fingers that refuse to bend the right way.

[raul]

hello mindfulness :-)

[Gary]

Driving and traffic: I was in Puerto Rico recently and took a lot of Uber trips. There are some unfamiliar and unwritten rules at play. Occasionally another driver will do something stupid, dangerous or discourteous; something that would cause me to honk my horn and swear in the States. The Puerto Rican drivers take it in stride and don't become angry. The reason could be that Mother Nature throws so much shit at the Puertoriquenos that a stupid driver is truly inconsequential. Why disturb yourself with anger? I will try to apply that lesson when I'm driving.

[Dan Khong]

By the time you read this, your Super Bowl is over but I'm not sharing about Super Bowl.

When I fall sick, I'll sleep...and sleep...and sleep.....and sleep....waking briefly for hydration and lavatory and then sleep....and sleep......and sleep. Two days at a stretch.

Then I get well. Just sharin'

[Daniel]

Congratulations on NOT going to a party when you are ill. Too many have the "I'm almost dying but I made it" mentality and infect one and all with whatever it is they have. A number of friends have even stopped going to their Church functions after catching illness from these types of people. Same with school events, sporting events and shopping times.
Hope the "creeping crud" finally leaves and you feel better.

[HarryBH]

Re: the super bowl (or any NFL game)
https://www.nflfullhd.com/
It's a day late, but...

[Al Gardner]

@ Hugh Crawford
There's a good reason they call them fans (fanatics). I have found most sports fans way too over the top in their slavering dedication to teams of any sort.
The old quote comes to mind, "sports doesn't build character, it reveals it".

But, I remember slavering over the TV in the late 60's in my late teens. I would spend every Sunday entranced watching Bill Russell and the Celtics, or Sonny Jurgensen, and all the other stars. Then I would watch ABC's Wide World of Sports.

I look back at that now and think it was a partial waste of time. True, I have memories of Bill Russell and to this day still enjoy hard-scrabble fast-break basketball. So it played a part in forming who I am.

These days? I find there are other things that hold my attention.

[Terry Donnelly]

Hi Mike, although I read TOP every day, I rarely comment. The Supper Bowl post motivated me to write and tell you how much I appreciate your non-photographic posts. This one was exceptional! I also like the dietary topics that show up from time to time.
While I read TOP to make me a better, more informed photographer(and also an amused one), I realize it will also likely make me a better human. Terry