Taking CES By Storm

[Ed. Note: Our Winter Print Sale is in Day 2 of 5.
Here's the post about it and here's the order page.]

SA

As everyone knows, all of the talk at CES has been about one innovative, breakthrough product: the new Nikon D5600. Lines are deep at the Nikon booth, while crickets chirp everywhere else in the hall. It's all anyone is talking about, all anyone wants to see.

As one excited showgoer cried out, "I wanted something just exactly like my D5500, but just enough better to be noticeable, and this is it!" Another said he had come "a very long way" to reassure himself about what the new camera felt like to hold. "At first it was disorienting," he admitted, "but I stood there motionless, gripping the camera in my hand and keeping anyone else from looking at it, and it began to feel like a budget Nikon DSLR to me. And I said to myself, yes...yes...this feels right."

We were able to catch up with D. Functionary Minion, Nikon's Associate Assistant Head of Blatherskite and Salespatter, by rescuing her from the press of humanity at the Nikon booth and treating her to a triangle of cold pizza-like substance and fizzless sugary-water at a dirty table near the grimy, dispiriting concessions stand here at Tech North-by-Northwest.

TOP: Greetings, Functionary—may I call you Functionary?—first of all, please explain to us all the fresh thinking and innovation that went into this new camera.

D. Functionary Minion: Actually, my friends all call me "D. Funct." You're welcome to call me "Ms. Minion." And for starters, this new camera replaces our long established and much-loved D5500 model, which was a worldwide success. Right here, if you'll look closely, you can see what's probably the biggest outward sign of all the changes inside.

TOP: You're pointing to the "D5600" badge.

Ms. Minion: Exactly! Very perceptive.

TOP: So what's the significance there?

Ms. Minion: Well, which is more, 5600 or 5500?

TOP: You're actually waiting for me to answer? Fifty-six hundred is a higher number.

Ms. Minion: Exactly. How much more, would you say?

TOP: One hundred more?

Ms. Minion [laughing]: I can see why they let you blog from your mother's basement! That was the overarching "deep principle" of our Nikon engineers in Japan—the new camera must accord with the ancient samurai principle of jumanji, which means "give them at least one hundred more."

TOP: Not all bloggers actually work in their mother's basements, you know. I work on my front porch. And I don't think jumanji means...

Ms. Minion: ...No, there's nothing much else new on the camera...that can be seen on the outside. But inside is a completely different story! A very different story.

TOP: Why don't you tell me that story.

Ms. Minion: Basically, we have sprinkled what is known inside the company as "magic eye-eye dust" all over the camera.

TOP: And what is "eye-eye" dust?

Ms. Minion: It stands for "incremental improvement."

TOP: Got it. And what incremental improvements are there?

Ms. Minion. Oh, a bunch of them. There are lots. All sorts of them.

TOP: Such as, specifically?

Ms. Minion: Are you ready? This camera can communicate wirelessly...through the air.

TOP: Do you mean it's got Wi-Fi?

Ms. Minion: It's magic, blogger. Something never before known.

TOP: Well, I agree it seems miraculous, but actually it's been around for...

Ms. Minion: Our marketing tagline is "Connected. Just Like a Smartphone. Only Not Quite As Convenient."

TOP: Speaking as a wordsmith, that's not a very compelling tagline.

Ms. Minion: The D5600 is an extremely capable little camera!

TOP: Agreed. But wasn't the D5500 an extremely capable little camera?

Ms. Minion: No.

TOP: No? Why not?

Ms. Minion: Because we don't need it to be.

TOP: Your predecessor seemed to think pretty highly of it two years ago.

Ms. Minion: We needed it to be then. We're not on that cycle any more. We're on this cycle. Marketing doesn't target all corporate products, you know, only the products that are in the selling cycle. The D5600 is the absolute latest thing. It's bleeding-edge new.

TOP: Well, actually it's been around since last November in the rest of the world.

Ms. Minion: I only handle North America. May I have another piece of pizza?

TOP: You liked that? I thought it was pretty close to the worst pizza I ever let past my lips. It was cold and old. The crust was soggy and the cheese was congealed.

Ms. Minion: Yes, it tasted like wet carpet. May I have another piece? Please don't make me go back to the booth.

TOP: Given that it was nine dollars a slice, I'm afraid you're going to have to buy your own this time.

Ms. Minion: Deal, sad blogger-boy.

TOP: Boy? I'm almost sixty years old!

Ms. Minion [puts her hand on my shoulder]: Aww. There there. I know. Last year at this time I was working in a knit shop in the desert south of town. Would you like another piece?

TOP: Can't you see I haven't even eaten this piece?

Ms. Minion: Oh, but I'm sure that old one is gone. They've probably put out a whole new pie by now. It's probably just out of the oven and it's sizzling fresh and steaming hot. Oooh—ooh—yum! I can just about smell it from here.

TOP: Right as you said that, I imagined I smelled the aroma of hot pizza.

Ms. Minion: It's just what you want. Picture it in your head. Exactly like you like it. The latest thing, new and beautiful and as good as they can make it! Oh so good! It'll be delicious! Fresh, tasty and satisfying!

TOP: You're good at this.

Ms. Minion: Thanks.

TOP: Here's nine dollars. Don't buy it unless it's actually better.

[After several minutes, Ms. Minion returns with two more slices of pizza on paper plates.

TOP: Hey! This looks just like the first slice.

Ms. Minion: Nope! This time there are mushrooms. See? It's better.

TOP: Let me guess: one hundred better?

Ms. Minion: [laughs] You're seeing how this works. Eat up, fat sad old blogger! We all need our strength this week.

Mike
(SA = Satire Alert)

P.S. Joking aside, the D5600 costs only $697 and offers very good image quality for the price. Here is the list of all the new products from CES '17 in Las Vegas.

Original contents copyright 2017 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.

Hot pizza!
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(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Roger Cicala: "First, thank you for the laughs. Second, thank you for reminding me why I don't go to CES anymore. A great read to start my day."

Juha Haataja: "What a nice start to the day to read this in the morning, well done indeed. Well, what can a marketeer do if the engineers keep on turning out the same product again and again? Given that, I'm quite happy that there hasn't been an announcement of an upgrade to the Panasonic LX100, thank you very much. And if there is, please don't mention it. (Even though 'LX200' would be exactly one hundred more.)"

kirk tuck: "Can't buy the D5600. Am saving money for their 'Key Mission' camera. According to their advertising 92% of Americans want one now. I don't know what the hell it is but if 92% of Americans want one how can I go wrong? But I have a question I was hoping someone here could answer...is it just a Go-Pro with a different logo slapped on the front? Did they just rush out some rebadged Nikon Go-Pros?

"Is the Key Mission some sort of routine to keep track of one's car keys? Is that the whole mission or is part of it to record 'intimacy' as suggested in their survey of American buyers? Some 15% indicated they desired a 'Key Mission' to record their hanky panky. That's a lot of Americans!

"But then I read the (almost invisible) fine print and found out that the math genii at Nikon marketing were able to extrapolate all these percentages and numbers from a survey group of a little over a thousand self-selected poll takers.

"New math. Now that it's socially okay to lie about...anything I guess camera advertising is going to become exciting again. Go Nikon!!!"

hugh crawford: "When I read that I thought you were just making up the word blatherskite. But it turns out that it is not only a real word but is just as scatological as I imagined. Not only that, but I learned 'cheapskate' has nothing to do with skating! It seems our Scottish ancestors not only wore kilts but knew their s***."

Comments

[Dave Levingston]

Pretty much sums it up. Where the f*** is the electronic viewfinder?

But I always have to remind myself that in the nearly 50 years that I've been using Nikons they have never been the first to bring out a new technological advance. Others would have things like autofocus before Nikon. But, when Nikon finally got around to whatever the new thing was, it would actually work. I respect them for that. I had the misfortune of working for a while with an (employer provided) Minolta with the first autofocus. You could have a cup of coffee while you waited for that dog to focus on something.

But, dammit Nikon, electronic viewfinders are pretty much proven, mature technology now. Why can't I have a real Nikon with one of those?

[Dave Levingston]

BTW, I posted a link to this on my Facebook page. Didn't you have a button for that for a while? And what happened to the "Like" button that was here briefly? I kinda liked the like button.

[Eric Rose]

Hit the soggy pizza on the head. I wonder who REALLY owns Nikon and Canon? Is it the same people who build cranes and heavy duty earth movers? I can't imagine a group of business owners so removed from photographic reality as canikon's.

[Stephen S. Mack]

I was mildly interested until I read the word, "pentamirror" in the specs. Oh, well. Maybe next year.

With best regards,

Stephen

[Dave Stewart]

Never mine your winding-up, some of us may hoping this isn't a joke:
http://photorumors.com/2017/01/05/kodak-to-brings-back-ektachrome-film/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+PhotoRumors+%28PhotoRumors.com%29

[James Weekes]

I am pretty sure that you will never be able to even look at a Nikon product ever again. LOL

[Dave Stewart]

Never mind the (alleged) upgrade from the D5500, there's nothing in it to tempt an upgrade from my D5100.

[Chuck Albertson]

It's one louder than the D5500.

[c.d.embrey]

Ektachrome is coming! Ektachrome 100 in 135mm cassettes is expected in the fourth quarter of 2017. Woo-Hoo.

If you are interested in real-retro, things are improving.

[PaddyC]

OK I like that. Snarky. Funny. True.

But it reminds me of this phenomenon I encounter with enough frequency to make me just slightly uncomfortable. It goes like this:

While loitering around the interwebs, err...tumblr, I come across a photo I quite like. One that has nice colour, composition, sharpness and good bokeh. Basically, an all-around good image. One I would like to be able to claim as my own. One that some kind soul has posted with a source link to the original (usually on flickr – the other one without an "e"). I follow thinking surely a ff Canon with an L prime. Nope. I Nikon 5X00 with the kit lens.

You know what "they" like to say: it's not the camera, it's the photographer dummy.

[Dave Sailer]

Hasselblad is now Chinese.

Ektachrome is back.

Nikon is still going broke.

Bakelite is the new celluloid.

The mirror frames a tired face.

Intelligence remains rare.

Creativity? Always the exquisite luxury.

http://maimanohaz.blog.hu/2012/02/08/szabo_judit_csendes_igezet

[Dennis]

OK, so that was amusing ... but you didn't have the same reaction to the X-T2 "Graphite Silver". Think of the fun you could have had with that ! "We don't just PAINT the camera, we SPIN it while we paint it."

[jim r]

I'll watch for confirmation and further details at New Camera News ∙~)

[Jim A]

I had to look up jumanji. I knew about the book and movie but didn't know it was a Zulu word for "many effects". Nice. I also love the tagline.

For real innovation we may need to turn to Red Green. Red once cut two K-cars in half and duct taped the front ends together to create an all wheel drive, all wheel steering vehicle. He then duct taped the two back ends together to create a dandy, portable, garden shed. Maybe Red should work on the 5700.

[Juha Haataja]

What a nice start to the day to read this in the morning, well done indeed.

Well, what can a marketeer do if the engineers keep on turning out the same product again and again?

Given that, I'm quite happy that there hasn't been an announcement of an upgrade to the Panasonic LX100, thank you very much. And if there is, please don't mention it. (Even though "LX200" would be exactly one hundred more.)

[Tom Burke]

Wow, so much negativity!

I'm not a Nikon user so I can honestly say that I'm not coming at this as a fanboy. But I'm surprised at the tone of the article and even more of the comments. Nikon (and Canon) make very, very good cameras, and those cameras sell in truckloads. The D5600 may not be much different from the D5300 before it - or the D5200, etc, before that - but why is that such a problem? Nikon have identified a market slot for a camera with certain characteristics at a certain price point; they've made that camera available, and they continue to provide incremental improvements while keeping the price (fairly) steady. Enough people like it to keep the camera in production. What's the problem?

To me, Nikon's approach here would seem to stand in contrast with a couple of recent posts. "I just need it for work, Mr Cook" highlights (very fairly) the impact when a new product does break with what has gone before, and "$2000 is the new $1600" is about the ever-increasing price that some camera manufacturers are charging for top-end equipment. In contrast, $697 for a camera based around the same sensor (pretty much) as is in the Sony a6500 seems like a pretty good deal to me. You can then spend all the money you've saved on glass, if you haven't already got some. (And the range of Nikon-fit lenses out there is vast....)

In fact, it would be interesting to see if critics could tell the difference, purely on sight, between a print of a shot taken with this Nikon and one taken with the Sony I mentioned.

[As you've missed the humor, Tom, I'll presume you have never luncheoned with a Ms. Minion. :-) --Mike]

[Fer]

This has to be one of your funniest satirical posts, Mike; at least of those I can remember.

I'd probably have a good laugh reading it even if I were a marketing or sales people. They have to know that we know they know...

[s.wolters]

After the giant leap of the last upgrade, from D5300 to D5500, we could not see this coming. It’s more than we have been dreaming of. D5550 would have been more realistic. This development comes at a price though. The introduction of the DL18-50 and DL 24-85 has been postponed for another 11 months and there are rumors that the complete Nikon 1 series is going to be sold to Guangzhou Yongli Glassware And Ceramic Co. Ltd.

[Ger Lawlor]

Can I have some of whatever you've been smokin'? What a great post!

[SMS]

funniest thing i have read in a long while

[Michael Bearman]

Vvvv funny; still smiling.

[Arg]

The new D5 is only one better. Not good enough Nikon.

[Omer]

I guess I'm the only mirrorless using photographer who doesn't think making a technology, meaning digital mirrorless photography which has been around since the beginning of digital photography, bigger ala Sony a7 cameras, as innovation.

Nope, I'm not a fawning mirrorless boy.

[Timo]

Really excellent, thanks!

[Peter Gilbert]

Thom should be proud of you Mike

[Chris]

"I can't imagine a group of business owners so removed from photographic reality as canikon's."

I assume this is why Canon are doing so badly, and selling nothing to anyone?

[Fred Haynes]

A funny post.You missed your calling! You were meant to write comedy.
(What do you think Gordon?)

[robert quiet photographer]

My wife's D5100 still work well, mainly with the 35/1.8 lens: no doubt the 5600 is an excellent camera, not sure how much better...
Now why Nikon doesn't offer any wide angle (35 or 28 or 24 Equivalent) for their APS-C cameras?
That will make clients desiring to buy, not everybody needs an huge full frame camera...
robert

[J Wilson]

" . . . . but you see, sometimes you need just that little bit more, so these go to '11' . . . ."

[Gordon Lewis]

>>You were meant to write comedy. (What do you think Gordon?)

Mr. Johnston does not need me to validate his comedic talents. I burst into laughter the moment I met him. The only thing that puzzles me is why he doesn't exploit his sardonic wit more often. Perhaps he fears the wrath of some of his more humor-challenged readers.

[Aravind]

Johnston-san, would it be that the word you were looking for was "Kaizen"?