So I started out meaning to write an amusingly snarky post about bad Christmas songs.
Speaking as a critic, there are some things best left uncriticized. For example: few weeks ago, I had a steak at Denny's. Here's my critical take on that meal: Denny's should stop serving steak. All Denny's restaurants, everywhere, should remove steak from their menus. Just do their best to erase all trace of having ever offered steak to customers. Pretend it never happened. The chain should never serve another steak. It is useless to try to critique that steak; it just shouldn't have happened, is all, and should never happen again.
I feel somewhat similarly about Christmas songs. It's not that I hate them, it's that I hate being force-fed the same bad ones for an entire month in the service of mindless commerce. I feel like a mental patient being dosed with meds against my will. I know people (many of them people who don't like music, or rather any other kind of music) are sentimental about Christmas music. And far be it from me to tell them they're wrong; that would be obnoxious. Of course they're not wrong. Except if they like The Jingle Dogs or anything by the Chipmunks.
The world around, from time immemorial, musicians have been seduced into creating or recording Christmas songs. Usually with visions of sugarplum cha-ching dancing in their heads. For the most part, they would be well advised to just...not. Refrain. Forbear. Resist the impulse. Rest over the holidays; start writing songs again in February.
Christmas songs are an easy target. I was going to gas on about how fortunate it is that Burl Ives is already dead, because if he wasn't, I would be in jail for the rest of my life for his murder, having set aside my philosophical pacifism, bought a deer rifle, and hunted the fat bastard down. A bloody violent death is far too mild a punishment for "Holly Jolly Christmas," the #1 worst Christmas song ever.
Songs deliberately intended to be bad have a built-in excuse. But we still have to listen to the infernal things over and over again, for which there is no excuse. That explains the #1 worst Christmas song ever, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
Wait...how can both those songs be the #1 worst songs ever, you might (reasonably) be asking? Simple. Because there are lots of lists. You could even make a list of all the number one worst evers from all the various lists.
The problem with writing a list of the worst Christmas songs, of course, is that then you have to research bad Christmas songs. Which means you have to listen to lots of really, really awful ones. And bad Christmas songs, as you must know if you live here (on Earth, I mean) can be really bad. A purgatory for the unhappy critic, who is then self-inflicting his own wounds.
That light bulb lit up over my head when I read a short appraisal of Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime," which, along with its secular twin "Silly Little Love Songs" embodies everything about Paul McCartney that everyone, even his staunchest fans, hates, and which is, yes, another #1 worst Christmas song ever. Shane Ryan of Paste said, "I refuse to listen to check this out, but if my memory serves me correctly, the only lyrics in this song are, 'simply having a wonderful Christmastime,' and they’re repeated over and over for 16 minutes." I do not know much, but I know that no human being should ever be forced to listen to "Wonderful Christmastime" against his or her will, even as a research project. It's not an atrocity, but it's indecent. And if you're never heard "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas," by 11-year-old Gayla Peevey, you should extend that winning streak. I did not.
The principle became painfully (extremely painfully) obvious when I encountered—at #1 on a surprising number of lists—a song I'd never heard of before called "The Christmas Shoes" by a Christian group called Newsong. I warn you, do not Google that song and listen to it. It's so appallingly tasteless and stupid it will drain the blood from your head and leave your brain starved of nutrients. I actually listened to it. I did that to myself. Not smart.
So I decided not to write that article. Even though it would have allowed me to vent my spleen about "Frosty the Snowman," which makes "Happy Birthday" look musically sophisticated and which is capable of turning almost anyone permanently against the whole idea of snowmen by, oh, say, the 500th time they're tortured with it. It isn't anybody's #1 worst Christmas song, but excessive overexposure has made me hate it enthusiastically anyway.
So, mainly to be easy on myself, I've decided to create a list of good Christmas songs instead. Rather than trying to rank them—always a suspect enterprise, even more so than lists themselves, which are pointless enough (although I love them)—I thought I'd just put up one song for each of the Twelve Days of Christmas.
This one's for tomorrow, when I'll be taking the day off. It's by the Duluth, Minnesota slowcore trio known as Low, from their EP Christmas. On a good stereo system that drum accent is magical. And, should you happen to be Christian, apparently the members of Low are believers as well, which might set their efforts apart from more cynical indie bands for you.
The what?
Now about the Twelve Days of Christmas. Were it not for the horrible Christmas song about some guy who gave his true love livestock and quite a few live human beings*, which I'm pretty sure is illegal, I don't think anybody would have more than a hazy idea what the Twelve Days of Christmas actually are. Turns out no one really agrees anyway, which sort of goes along with everything else about religion, but basically it's the twelve days or so between Christmas and the Feast of the Epiphany, which often falls on January 6th, although nobody quite agrees on that either.
To make the rest of the list topical, I think I'll add a photobook to each day's song as well. Don't hold me to this grand plan, though, because I might lose interest. You know how I can be.
Anyway, Merry Christmas and warmest best wishes to any of you who celebrate it. And if you do or do not celebrate Christmas, heartfelt greetings to you and your loved ones on the occasion of the religious or winter solstice holiday you choose to observe.
Wishing you health, prosperity, calmness, kindness, and peace of mind in the season!
All best,
Mike
*Twenty-seven to be exact—eight maids a-milking, nine ladies dancing, and ten lords a-leaping. Let hope it's not a case of human trafficking!
Original contents copyright 2014 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.
(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:
Speed: "JG wrote in the Comments Section about The Waitresses' 'Christmas Wrapping' (1981). The song was featured this week in an NPR piece about...Christmas songs.
John Goehrke of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame says around three-quarters of its inductees have made a Christmas record.
[ ... ]
"Five of the Top 20 all-time best-selling singles are Christmas records," Goehrke says. "Mariah Carey's 'All I Want for Christmas Is You' from '94—that's in the Top 10. That has sold more copies than 'I Want to Hold Your Hand' by the Beatles."
[ ... ]
Chris Butler says he certainly can't live off "Christmas Wrapping," but he does get a nice little annuity from the seasonal hit.
"Somebody buys them."
Mike replies: Somebody certainly does.
Roger: "Well thanks, Mike. Now I have 'Holly Jolly Christmas' stuck in my brain. I should deploy the Ninjas to inflict a nuclear wedgie upon you. Instead I'll just wish you a holly jolly Christmas."
Dana: "So Mike…I come up with my own songs to combat the cacophony of holiday music. I know how much you enjoy a good jazz number so I offer to you my favorite tune of the year for your Christmas ear: Aaron Parks 'Dear Someone.' Thank you Mike."
Mike replies: No, thank you. That's beautiful. And it is Christmas-carol-like.
The original holiday music from the band Over The Rhine is pretty wonderful. They have three records of it so far - Snow Angels, The Darkest Night Of The Year, and the newest, Blood Oranges In The Snow. Great stuff from a great band.
Posted by: Steve L. | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 03:17 PM
I tend to like the less well known Christmas songs. I think this is my favorite: http://youtu.be/P37xPiRz1sg
Robert Earl Keene's Merry Christmas from the Family
On the other hand, I haven't heard it (and I'll try to continue to be able to say that), but a friend says she heard Taylor Swift's version of "Santa Baby." I almost threw up on the keyboard just typing that.
Posted by: Dave Levingston | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 03:22 PM
You didn't ask for suggestions but here's one anyway
Nick Lowe - "Christmas At The Airport"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiSf083QM_U
Merry Christmas!
Dave.
Posted by: Dave Elden | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 03:37 PM
Burl Ives lives on as my earliest musical memory('Blue tail fly' et al) and I believe that was on a 78rpm disc. It is not his fault that 'Holly Jolly' became a cult classic; it is ours in the aggregate for playing it to death to the point there is a collective throw up when the tune comes around yet another time.
Posted by: james wilson | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 03:49 PM
BTW, seems to me you are looking to the wrong Beatle if you want a good Christmas song. John Lennon did a much better job.
Posted by: Dave Levingston | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 03:54 PM
I'm so glad it almost over. After a month of this stuff, I want to tear my hair out too. Next supermarket trip should feature regular Muzak. What a relief that will be.
Have a good one, Mike! Cheers to you.
Posted by: Yvonne | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 04:47 PM
We sang this as children, so that's about 45-50 years ago:
"
Jingle bells,
Batman smells,
Robin flew away,
the Batmobile,
has lost its wheel,
and landed in the hay"
Talking of altered lyrics, there must be room for a song called 'The Twelve Cameras of Christmas'. One verse being, 'Five gold Leicas!" and another,"And a rusty old Zenit B" : ]
Posted by: Roger Bradbury | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 04:52 PM
Well, since the presents each day are in addition to repeats of the prior days gifts it amounts to more like 140 humans whom we will assume were hired rather than bought although I can't quite picture lords hiring themselves out to leap. The rest is all fowl (Collie birds are black hens and the golden rings refer to pheasants) for a grand total of 224 birds and of course 12 pear trees.
Posted by: Jim Bullard | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 05:09 PM
OK, my favorite Christmas song is Father Christmas by the Kinks. It starts "Father Christmas, give us some money, we've got no time for your silly toys" and still ends up with a pretty conventional Christmas wish.
Posted by: Jack Nelson | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 05:10 PM
"I hate being force-fed the same bad ones for an entire month in the service of mindless commerce."
Perhaps you get out too much? {;~)>
They don't play music on line.
Is there mindful commerce? I don't think the catalogs full of over hip, over priced meditation oriented stuff counts.
Sorry, I cheated, and listened today. Nope, bored almost immediately. Stuck it out, hoping for more musical interest or better lyrics ... No brain damage, but I don't need to hear it again.
Happy snark. And all your lovely wishes reflected back at'cha.
Posted by: Moose | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 05:14 PM
Mike, I'm with you. I'd add another song to that infamous list: 'Last Christmas', by George Michael. (Or by Wham!... whatever.) It is incessantly played in stores and public places this time of year. It depresses me and makes me wish bloody Christmas is over soon.
That George Michael guy should be impaled in a high-voltage mast.
Posted by: Manuel | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 05:17 PM
I do not endorse this list, but the Telegraph has come up with 100....
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/music/11288454/best-christmas-songs-list.html?frame=3140264
Posted by: Nigel | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 05:28 PM
We have one of those 400 disc carousel players and I made a category for Christmas music and there are probably a couple dozen CDs on that list. I have no idea how we ended up with so many. Some are better than others, much better. A few may come out in the event I ever take up skeet shooting again.
Louis Armstrong, Oscar Peterson and Ella all can be found in there somewhere and when they pop up it's a real pleasure. I also can recommend the Christmas album by Brave Combo if you can find it. As I am typing this BB King is doing "Backdoor Santa" and it's sublime. Happy Holidays to all. Time to pull the last sheet of peppernuts out of the oven.
Posted by: Mike Plews | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 05:37 PM
Hope you have a Silent Night, Ebeneezer.
Posted by: Bill Mitchell | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 05:39 PM
You're a mean one, mr grinch. The open carry American way of assassinating the being of Burl Ives. The rest of the world would rather boil him in treacle for his festive tunes.
I screamed with laughter at today's missive, it so deservably disembowls the current essence of commercial Christmas that it should be mandatory reading for all of us Bah Bumbug Scrooge wannabes.
Posted by: Rogerbotting | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 05:39 PM
I rather like this one from The Waitresses: http://youtu.be/2SzjDOk_u9I ... the first few times I hear it each holiday season, anyway. All bets are off after that!
Posted by: JG | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 05:40 PM
I retain fond memories of 1984 -- when a surprising number of the stores I went into were playing the Mannheim STeamroller Christmas album (at least, it should have been 1984 -- that's the year the album came out). First, it's instrumental only, no lyrics. Second, it has a better selection of songs. (My memory tells me "every" store was playing it with one exception, but that seems unlikely.)
Posted by: David Dyer-Bennet | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 05:42 PM
Great post for a curmudgeon's Christmas! (And as a curmudgeon, I mean that in a good way...)
Side note: I heard an item on CBC Radio a few days ago about the never-ending re-supply of Christmas music, with various artists re-hashing them every year. It turns out it's a cash cow. Christmas recordings always sell like hotcakes, so artists do it for the oldest reason ever: cold, hard cash, and lots of it.
Studies show that Christmas music still sells abundantly in CD format, and is hardly ever downloaded illegally. So as an industry it's stuck in 1993, and that means lots of tangible goods sold and lots of money made. I suppose it's because a lot of older people (who aren't savvy to iTunes and bit torrents) buy them, plus a lot of people buy them as gifts.
Posted by: Ed Hawco | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 05:51 PM
If I ever submit a comment criticizing Mike, it will include the phrase, "This from a man who once ordered a steak at Denny's."
Posted by: Speed | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 06:28 PM
John Lennon's "So This Is Christmas" must be on your "good list." I never tire of hearing it (the original) this time of year, though it has been butchered many times over by the Burl Ives wannabees.
cfw
Posted by: carl | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 06:41 PM
I hope you'll have a chance to listen to this version of "Walking in the Air" by the New Standards from their Holiday show of 2010:
http://www.thecurrent.org/listen/minnesota/the_current/features/2010/12/28/new_standards_20101228
Start at the 20:30 mark.
Posted by: Stan | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 06:52 PM
pentatonix
They won't fix "grandma got run over by a raindeer" but their renditions of a variety of rather higher quality more classic tunes is wonderful.
Posted by: Bryan Willman | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 07:03 PM
Forever more in my head shall be entwined the concepts of "Denny's steak" and "Christmas music." I do not know if such an entanglement was your explicit intent, but I do not imagine that it would seem improper to you.
Posted by: Nicholas Condon | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 07:04 PM
I was delighted to hear that somebody else loathed (modern) Christmas songs, but then you had to ruin it by putting up that "Just Like Christmas." Believe me, there are only two good Christmas songs -- Oh, Holy Night and Silent Night. You should listen to each of them, once a year.
How about this. Your UPS plane crashes in the Pacific, you swim to a desert island, where, for no reason you can discern, a palm tree has a working outlet. A package washes up: inside, you find a complete high-end stereo system, complete with a beautiful turntable. Another package washes up. Inside, you find a vinyl recording of John Denver doing "The Little Drummer Boy." What do you do?
Posted by: John Camp | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 07:04 PM
I think Sir Christopher Lee may agree with you
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=305viYB-G1U
How can you not love this man?
This years version is quite wonderful
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gVzOve8T39w
Posted by: hugh crawford | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 07:14 PM
This year, for various reasons, I've managed to avoid all but one of the awful songs dragged-out at this time of year. (Damn that blasted supermarket!)
I can't say I miss them, either.
My problem is the pop noises have got old. Lennon's been erroneously denying the demise of war and wishing people no fear (demonstrating the difference between two negatives and a positive) for 43 years - posthumously for 34. Slade's and Wizzard's offerings are older than I am.
Where's the innovation?!
Have a good one too.
Posted by: Tim | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 07:17 PM
Mike
Chill
Posted by: Rusty | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 07:35 PM
I agree that listening to the same old Christmas songs every year is boring. But it doesn't seem worth complaining about. Just expand your horizons a little. There are thousands upon thousands of Christmas songs out there, many of which are quite entertaining and rarely heard on the radio. The recent documentary Jingle Bell Rocks explores some of them, but that's really only the tip of the iceberg. Countless treasures await your attention. Ignore the Christmas standards. Dig around for the good stuff. It's not too hard to find, and you'll be well rewarded.
Posted by: blake | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 07:39 PM
Thanks Michael. And the same to you. Hope you and the pups have a great christmas!
Posted by: Larry Jasper (aka Oldbro) | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 08:08 PM
Please DO write your post about terrible songs! It would be hilarious and entertaining, and then I'd be able to write this comment in reply. Which I can't now because you don't write it.
Posted by: Andrew Molitor | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 08:27 PM
You ordered... a what, at- Denny's!? Honestly, a what? My god- you poor, wretched man! Whatever induced you, seduced you into such a diabolical state of abhorrent self abuse? My prayers will be with you this holiday season and into the coming new year...
PS- I'm sure there must be support groups out there for such behavior.
Posted by: Stan B. | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 08:34 PM
I think researching the world's worst Christmas songs is quite simple. Just go to any Starbucks---yes, even overseas in non-Christian countries like Japan---and listen to Starbucks' selection of Christmas tunes. Let's say you already have a list of what you consider the world's worst Christmas music. Starbucks will prove to you that your list is inaccurate because they will have even worse covers of said world's worst Christmas music. You might think this to be impossible, but that would be because you have not spent enough time at a Starbucks during Christmas season (Halloween through forever).
But I should not pick on Starbucks for their Christmas music. Their normal, everyday music usually consists of covers of well-known songs. One listen to one of these atrocious covers of a favorites song will ruin that song for you forever.
I assume that the purpose of Starbucks music is to ensure that people do not linger long in the shop or else to induce them to drown themselves in overpriced roasted-to-a-uniform-burnt-flavor coffee.
Posted by: D. Hufford. | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 08:35 PM
You ordered steak at Denny's?? Try the cheeseburger......Or maybe the 24 hour breakfast. Anybody that want's steak, and determines Denny's is the place........What were you thinking when you made that choice,? "I think I will splurge tonight"?
Posted by: Wayne | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 08:48 PM
I nominate Jose Feliciano's Felice Navidad as my worst. The same four lines, endlessly repeated, over and over, worming their way into my ear and into my brain and not letting go. Ugh ugh ugh! I hesitate to even write about that song.
Posted by: Peter Croft | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 09:43 PM
I heard of a study that found that stores play irritating Christmas music because irritated shoppers are energized, and energized shoppers buy more than relaxed ones. I can't find a reference to that study now (I may have heard it on NPR) but it's the most likely explanation I've heard.
Posted by: Clay Olmstead | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 10:04 PM
This post is a great example of why I keep reading TOP. It's not just the justifiable rant, but the authorial voice (yours)that is so satisfying.
Stay away from those sweets.
Posted by: Harvey Bernstein | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 11:16 PM
Yup, Christmas songs are often dreadful, and get too much airplay. If you want to hear better Christmas songs, you'll probably have to write some - and then make sure they get tons of airplay. By the way, I, for one, would like to hear how Burl Ives would perform Charles Ives, who was pretty uncommercial (and definitely not easy listening!) Or how Charles Ives might set "Holly Jolly Christmas". What a thought... You might want to find a more worthy target for your hatred, though.
Posted by: David Limburg | Wednesday, 24 December 2014 at 11:51 PM
"Twenty-seven to be exact—eight maids a-milking, nine ladies dancing, and ten lords a-leaping."
Taking the words of the song literally, there are a total of twelve partridges in pear trees, as each preceding gift is repeated in all subsequent giftings.
40 Maids
36 Ladies
30 Lords
That's 106 people - and 40 dairy cows. Holy Sh**!
Posted by: Moose | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 12:23 AM
I count 50 Christmas slaves, including the musicians... Speaking of which: is this where the tradition of giving drum sets to the children of your least favorite relatives comes from?
Posted by: Yonatan Katznelson | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 12:54 AM
The Low Christmas EP is phenomenal and part of our family ALT.XMAS mix. That EP was something of a revelation, led to purchasing the entire Low discography, and subscribing to their band website.
Consider checking out Sufjan Stevens idiosyncratic 10 volume recording of Christmas songs (100 total over two releases). Several traditional but most are original compositions. I recommend the first release "Songs for Christmas". Over-the-Rhine released a very nice Christmas album that mixes traditional with original compositions. Two other alt Xmas EPs by Blondfire and The Polyphonic Spree merit consideration.
Seasons greetings from Portland, OR!
Posted by: J Fallon Dollard | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 03:38 AM
Good? Really? Ugh...no.
How about:
Merry Christmas from the Family
by Montgomery Gentry
At least you'll get a smile and a chuckle - that will be Just Like Christmas
Posted by: Steve Deutsch | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 04:44 AM
Ooooh! I'd really love to read your take on Lennon's "Happy Xmas (War is Over)", especially with the 2003 video. I have a strong love/hate relationship with this one.
And of course you can't miss Cliff Richard's "Christmas Time, Mistletoe and Wine". Cheesy factor overload.
Posted by: marcin wuu | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 05:45 AM
Amen, brother.
I look forward to shortly after Christmas; no force-fed, never-ending Christmas songs. I mean, it starts in mid-November.
Soon, I can "Get Back" to Mozart,Beatles et al.
Posted by: Harold | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 06:46 AM
For the list of infamy, surely there is a spot for the muzak rendition of "Deck the Halls" that came at the end of the old TV ads for Ronc@ products. (Not that the original was really any better.)
For roster of merit, I always thought old carols like "The Holly and the Ivy" (English, 18th cent.) or "Un flambeau, Jeannette, Isabelle" (16th cent. French) conveyed a sense of Christmas' sublimity without being maudlin.
Posted by: Alex Vesey | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 06:56 AM
Since you are not living in England, you get to miss out the most wretched assortment of Christmas songs ever: Greg Lake, Jona Lewie, Wizzard,... the list goes on.
As a sometime DJ I have compiled any number of Christmas tapes. To go with Low, I suggest Big Star, Velvet Underground, Mazzy Star, Momus, Rheostatics, Squeeze... full track listing on request.
Posted by: Robin Parmar | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 09:21 AM
Somehow, I have managed to avoid having to listen to Mariah Carey this Xmas, so things are looking up :)
This classic from Francis Albert remains my all-time favourite Xmas song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZ6yQgBvuoI&feature=youtu.be
Merry Xmas one and all.
Posted by: Gill R | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 09:43 AM
I second the Sufjan Stevens Christmas songs.
http://music.sufjan.com/album/songs-for-christmas
is a great way to start.
Posted by: Chris Kurmann | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 09:48 AM
A good one, and one of my favorites is John McCutheon's, "Christmas in the Trenches," based on the true story of the Christmas Truce between British and German troops that took place exactly 100 years ago.
Of the traditional carols, "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear," is one of the few that focuses on the message of peace and brotherhood and not a miracle birth. It was also written by a Unitarian.
Posted by: TBannor | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 09:54 AM
wait…what? Christmas? is that today?
Posted by: Mark | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 11:02 AM
I love all Christmas songs, save that damn one about the donkey.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, MIKE!!
Posted by: Maggie Osterberg | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 11:32 AM
Another reason we love you Mike Johnson. I feel the same about Christmas songs. There are no good ones. Do you believe that even Bob Dylan made a Christmas album! Jeez!
Posted by: Ken James | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 02:08 PM
I don't object to artists recording Christmas music so much as I object to the utter lack of originality in the genre. No, we don't need another version of "Little Drummer Boy" when we already have 783 covers of it.
Ugh.
Perhaps the worst for me is the cover of "A Fairytale of New York" by one of the members of an Irish boy band and some female singer whose name eludes me now. The whole POINT of that song being removed when performed by the Most Refined Sounding Couple Ever. Thankfully not something which will ever be on the local radio station's Christmas iPod playlist...
Posted by: Paul Glover | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 03:02 PM
You sound like an old fart Mike. My advice, go to Denny's for dinner today, order a steak and enjoy their lovely selection of Christmas music:)
Posted by: Ned Bunnell | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 03:06 PM
I have not heard "Christmas Shoes" and have no desire to, but this is worth a listen:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaMuoF-wO7w&list=PL5C67078D9C76F666
Happy End of Year and Start of New!
Posted by: Lynn | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 04:15 PM
Oh, and John Camp? Probably lick my finger and stick it into that working palm tree outlet....
Posted by: Lynn | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 05:00 PM
A better focussed, accurate (potentially), and yet fun posting from you I don't recall. Keep it up.
P.S. "I Believe in Father Christmas" by Greg Lake still works for me, in large part due to the production qualities of ELP.
Posted by: Kurt Kramer | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 06:23 PM
I heard a choir singing a lovely take on the 12 days of Christmas - it was 12 days after Christmas and the gifts were being returned one by one, with the usual difficulties about where they had been purchased,receipts, etc; all except one lord-a-leaping, to whom the wife had taken a fancy; she kept him.
Posted by: Michael Bearman | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 08:21 PM
James Brown's "Funky Christmas" wins. Every year. Unbeatable.
Posted by: Hank | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 08:43 PM
Dear Mike,
I'm sorry**, but your list is worthless, as it is not topped by Little Drummer Boy. A song that makes me want to scream, ala old Tarzan movies,"The drums! The drums! Their incessant pounding; it's driving me mad!"
Convincing proof that you only give percussion instruments to the children of people you truly hate.
The trick to enjoyable Holiday Listening is to go off the main road. There's some good stuff from Frankie at his peak. She and Him's Xmas album does a pretty fine job, and their role reversal on "Baby It's Cold Outside" makes that song a lot less creepy and more fun than it otherwise sounds today.(Which yeah, I know is an anachronistic artifact -- not only have sensibilities changed but so have some verbal conventions -- but still, it hits the modern creep button).
And Michael Franks'"Watching the Snow" album still has to be the best and most original holiday album ever. Good list'nin' any time of year.
pax / Ctein
(**no, not really not one bit)
Posted by: ctein | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 09:33 PM
Hilarious! I kept thinking of horrible Christmas songs to mention ("Hippopotamus", "Shoes") and then you'd get to them. "The Christmas Shoes" really is the worst of them all, but you need the video to get the full effect of its wretchedness.
As far as the steak is concerned, you really got what you deserved. You've got no one to blame but yourself. Everything about Denny's, from the decor to the lighting to the staff screams "we can make a great grilled cheese and can get eggs right any way you order them, but we'll destroy a steak if given the chance."
Finally, apart from the regressive giving increasing the total of human beings given in "Twelve Days of Christmas," you've forgotten the pipers and drummers at eleven and twelve. It is birds, then people, with the last bunch being musicians.
I look forward to the songs you like, and imagine my two favorites might just be on their way. I hope you do the photo books, in honor of the year-delayed copy of Early Color I got today.
Posted by: Will | Thursday, 25 December 2014 at 11:32 PM
Yes, the Low Christmas EP comes out every year, and it's great -- along with a whole lot of their catalog.
I used to feel a bit like you, I imagine (except for the Denny's part) -- I just didn't like the Christmas music treacle. But over the years my wife has converted me with Esquivel!, the Roaches, plenty of Louis ("Zat you, Santa Claus?") and classic suggestions mixed with the Church of Johnny Cash. And the Low EP goes on heavy rotation.
Yep, I used to loath Christmas music ... but now I actually look forward to those playlists.
Posted by: Timo | Friday, 26 December 2014 at 12:10 AM
The NPR podcast All Songs Considered had an interesting discussion about the worst songs of all time. http://www.npr.org/blogs/allsongs/2014/02/06/272457460/the-worst-songs-of-all-time
Posted by: Kirk Decker | Friday, 26 December 2014 at 12:28 AM
Best Christmas song ever? - 'Fairytale of New York', by the Pogues with Kirsty McColl.
Posted by: Tom Burke | Friday, 26 December 2014 at 06:08 AM
Springsteen's cover of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" is a fave of mine, maybe because I was there at Winterland where the most played bootleg was recorded. Magical.
But this year's musical Christmas present is a ticket to see the reunited Sleater-Kinney, the best rock band since the Clash (arguably best ever). I'm sooooo excited!
Posted by: Peter | Friday, 26 December 2014 at 09:08 AM
Michael, Michael, Michael .... Murder? Deer rifle? Please, a little sense of proportion. It's a song. It may even have been one that his record company insisted he do. (See this NPR story on The Waitresses "Christmas Wrapping" http://www.npr.org/2014/12/24/372662676/couldnt-miss-this-one-behind-christmas-wrapping )
Couldn't the crafting of an "earworm" be considered an art form? Beyond Paul McCartney's mastery of the "hook" and that Disney song-that-must-not-be-named-lest-it-infest-your-brain-all-day, perhaps there are practical uses for a well-crafted "pepsi?" Even after 50+ years, "Tenser said the Tensor" still lives in my brain. Alfred Bester's principal character used it to foil those would would eavesdrop on his thoughts.
One more thought: I don't think it's prudent to speak lightly of "bloody violent death." Just two weeks ago, in the area where I live, a man in a custody battle with his wife systematically "eliminated" her, her parents, and her sister's family, going to three houses in three towns, causing a shelter-in-place in a fourth town, before finally ending his own life.
There are worse things in life than songs that bug you.
[I wasn't being serious. --Mike]
Posted by: MikeR | Friday, 26 December 2014 at 09:44 AM
Do yourself a BIG favour and buy this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Bells_of_Dublin, you'll thank me.
Posted by: Robert Roaldi | Friday, 26 December 2014 at 10:11 AM
The BBC has written up an antidote to Xmas muzak.
In Ireland, there is now a '12 pubs of Christmas' movement. A drink in each pub. That should erase the aural insult of the muzak.
Posted by: paul in Az | Friday, 26 December 2014 at 11:18 AM
One thing which annoys me more than Christmas songs (just) is the use of # for No. or number!
Posted by: Steve Smith | Friday, 26 December 2014 at 11:41 AM
"December: the atmosphere of a one-party state. On all media and in all newspapers, endless invocations of the same repetitive theme. In all public places, from train stations to department stores, an insistent din of identical propaganda and identical music. The collectivization of gaiety and the compulsory infliction of joy." - Christopher Hitchens
Hear, hear.
Hang an ear to Grandaddy's "Alan Parsons in a Winter Wonderland": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMmuZjsrRtY
Posted by: HVJ | Friday, 26 December 2014 at 04:25 PM
My first thought for a good Christmas song was 2000 Miles, by the Pretenders.
But, then I remembered this one by Tracey Thorn. It was featured in the (highly recommended) 2013 film All Is Bright.
Posted by: Dave in NM | Friday, 26 December 2014 at 07:10 PM
I agree with you completely about Christmas music. This year, however, I was okay with it. I spent 5 weeks in South East Asia ending on December 15, so by the time I was exposed to Christmas music, it was almost Christmas! What a blessing!
As for the worst songs ever, I have to nominate "Wonderful Christmas time" by Sir Paul, and "Last Christmas" by Wham!. I can't stand either one. Generally, Paul McCartney's music is good, generally speaking, but that one is just terrible. Wham!?, well, I didn't like anything they did.
Posted by: Dillan | Friday, 26 December 2014 at 07:34 PM
During Xmas, for people who like Jazz guitar and good music, I recommend Kenny Burrell's Have Yourself a Soulful Little Christmas: http://grooveshark.com/#!/album/Have+Yourself+A+Soulful+Little+Christmas/7313037
Posted by: Simon Griffee | Saturday, 27 December 2014 at 05:11 AM
The lampshade photo reminds me of Magritte's painting The Son of Man.
Posted by: Nigel Robinson | Sunday, 28 December 2014 at 01:42 AM
Here's the connection between Denny's steak and bad Xmas carols: Farmer plays 'Jingle Bells' on trombone, Cows come Dashing
Posted by: Sarge | Sunday, 28 December 2014 at 11:52 PM