9/17/14 The Morning Coffee: Zander's Ex

I'm on notice. A number of people were not happy with me yesterday for missing Morning Coffee. Sorry again.

I'm planning a trip soon, and today dear Butters the dog "interviewed" at Camp Bow-Wow, a doggie daycare where he can board while I'm gone. The dogs are campers, the kennels are cabins, the attendants are counselors.

It's a really neat place. Lots of dogs milling about in a number of separate indoor and outdoor play areas, with attendants always on duty...and, er, cleaning up duty. They all carry spray bottles—a spritz of water is apparently enough to distract dogs from a momentary altercation.

And lo and behold, one of the attendants was Kirsten R., who was my son's girlfriend his senior year in high school. Kirsten was over at our house a great deal that year, and by the end of the time I felt almost like she was a surrogate daughter (she's how I learned that parents can miss their childrens' significant others when those relationships end). I like Zander's current girlfriend a lot (and obviously he does too, since they've been together for going on three years now), but they've never spent much time at our house so I don't know Jenna as well. I hadn't seen Kirsten in over a year, although I figured I'd run in to her again around town sooner or later. It was great to see her again after so long.

Zander's first serious girlfriend, when he was fourteen, was a girl his age I'll call Ingrid. They met in Middle School and spent a lot of time together one summer and for a few months afterwards. She was always talking about her "ex-boyfriends," and one day in the car I asked her how many ex-boyfriends she could possibly have at the age of fourteen. Turns out not all of her exes were boys she'd even kissed, and some of them she "went out with" for less than two weeks. I said something to the effect that maybe that didn't quite rise to the standard of a boyfriend and girlfriend, and her funny answer made me laugh: "Oh, Mister Johnston, kids our age don't latch up."

Meaning, get married. Which is the way adults think, as patiently explained by Ingrid at 14.

After Zander joined the ranks of her many exes I only saw Ingrid one more time. She came over looking for Zander when they were both about seventeen. He wasn't home, so she waited for him for about forty-five minutes, and we talked, on the back deck. She was trying to be her old cheerful, breezy self, but I could tell she was troubled, and she related some troubling things: for instance, that her mother had kicked her out of the house. That shocked me, because her mother, a divorced woman who lived in a nice house and had a good job, had always seemed to me to be very attentive and involved in her daughter's life, quietly proud of her and appropriately protective.

To our shock, we learned earlier this year that Ingrid had died. I was distressed when I heard it and curious as to what had happened, but it was not obvious—there was no mention of an illness or accident or cause of death in the obituary. I asked Zander if he'd ask around, and a few weeks later he learned that Ingrid had died of a heroin overdose. Her mother kicking her out of the house suddenly made sense as a desperate parent's attempt at an ultimatum that might change her behavior.

I've thought about poor Ingrid many times in the past several months. It is such an acutely tragic waste of a fine young life; I cannot imagine the anguish of her poor family, especially her mother who doted on her, and my heart goes out to them. I remember Ingrid as a smart, articulate, pretty, perfectly normal girl with a sense of humor that was both wise and lively. She was a person of superior social skills—even at fourteen she loved to keep track of all her friends, and she was polite but confident with adults. She was always quick with an update about what people were doing—who was dating whom, whose family had moved where—always sharing details about people she knew. But always generous, not gossipy. She always struck me as a young woman who really cared about people.

And now she never gets to latch up.

Mike

"Morning Coffee," auto-published weekdays very early to be in time for morning coffee breaks in the UK and Europe. They're just little blips about things that are on my mind.

Original contents copyright 2014 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.

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(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)
Featured Comments from:

Paul De Zan: "Damn. I had to work extremely hard to extract my kid from a drug-infested scene in both junior and senior high school...and we live in one of the richest cities in the country, so don't ever believe that community affluence will keep your own kids safe, folks. This absolutely could have been my kid if the breaks had fallen just a little differently. I grieve with you."

Paul: "I work as an ER nurse, most often in Massachusetts. Opiate addiction is an epidemic. Massachusetts has it pretty bad, perhaps worse than other places. In the ER, I would very roughly estimate that 50% or more of our work is connected to drugs or alcohol. In one hospital I worked it would not be terribly uncommon for me to have four patients and three of them would be people who had overdosed on opiates (or worse, a combination of opiates and benzodiazipines (like Ativan) a particularly deadly combination).

"It's all very sad. I was reading an article in the New York Times where someone described 'sad life syndrome' as why a lot of people end up addicted to something or other. That's how I see a lot of it. People who have not been dealt a full set of cards by life and have limited oppotunities in life. In my experience, coming from an area with a high degree of alcohol abuse doesn't help anything either.

"Perhaps sadder are the kind of case you mention. People from stable homes who appeared to be on a good track and then for no apparent reason find themselves going down the wrong road. Oftentimes I think that starts with abusing prescription pain medication (like oxycontin or oxycodone) and when that becomes too expensive, turning to heroin (because it's easily available and cheaper). That's a relatively common story.  I've seen that too from patients who were put on large doses of prescription opiates after surgery and ended up addicted to them. Their doctors would not rewrite prescriptions for them and ultimately they ended up on heroin.

"I have no real idea what a solution would be. Definitely much stricter prescribing of narcotics would help some. I used to be in favor of legalizing all drugs but I have very mixed feelings now. I'm not entirely sure that human beings have the cognition to be able to handle opiates in any form. But I'm saddened to by what the drug war has done to people, both in this country and around the world."

GRJ: Man—Morning Coffee is getting kind of bleak, Mike. Hiroshima, drug overdoses.... But I suppose in life as with coffee, one takes the bitter with the sweet. Nonetheless, thank you for your thoughtful treatment of bitter themes. I visit your site because 'The Online Photographer' seems to envision a holistic photographer, one who is engaged not merely with photography, but with living and reflection."

Comments

[Robert Roaldi]

There are no little tragedies. They all hurt.

[Paul]

I think you are a brilliant writer and your knowledge,wisdom and experience on most photography subjects is immense. However above all in the eight or nine years I've been reading your posts I've always had the impression you must be an absolutely amazing father.

[Michael Roche]

Sad story Mike, life can suck at times but we all need to keep trying and pushing forward and remember it's all cyclical.

[Johan]

Morning Mike

Thank you. This meant more - reading about people than photography. We are so fragile, more so early on.

[Cateto/Jose]

Someome mentioned in a recent comment how great writer you are, Mike. This article is another evidence, if any was needed.

I have four kids of close ages and all of them are jumping into adolescence almost at the same time. Your article moved me deeply and gave me food for thought. Hopefully we will manage to keep them around for a very long time, enjoying their superior social skills as you call them, but most of all, living an enjoyable life.

[Sean]

because I had more sense or self control than the friends and ex girlfriend/childhood sweetheart, who had there lives blighted by it. It just made me feel sick, so I never got a taste for it. But Lisa did

Last time I saw Lisa she was shoplifting in town, trying to sell Ray Ban sunglasses in a bar I was in . She was missing quite a few teeth, and what remained were black. I remember our teeth clashing when we first started kissing, which was rushed out of embarrassment.
There was a time when you'd need a pair of Ray Bans on to cope with her cute smile. Now she was covering her mouth out of embarrassment for what had become of it.

She was with her guy, who was looking after there young daughter. He was sending her in to stores to steal whilst he looked after their little girl. The little girl was beautiful and too young to realise the trouble she was born in to

Lisa's dad choked on his vomit and died whilst passed out from booze when she was about fourteen. Her parents were drunks, as were mine, we had a lot in common.

I don't know what she'd make of me writing about her today, I don't know whether she's alive or dead, clean or still using.
Last week my sister shown me an old photo of herself and Lisa from those days. There she was, like a raven haired little orphan Annie. The beautiful, resilient kid with the black curls and soft full lips.

Her arms around my sister, smiling.

Sean

[BWJones]

Addiction is a scourge... One that can hit any one of us, across religious or socio-economic boundaries which should inspire compassion for not only those afflicted by it, but also those family and friends who are around the addict.

[jim]

The tragedies that befall our kids and their friends today seem so much more horrendous than anything I experienced when I was growing up sixty plus years ago. It seems they don't have much, if any, time to enjoy the innocence of youth. And worse, as parents, we have no way to protect or prepare them from those horrors.

[Wayne]

In your story, at the point where you relate that Ingrid had been kicked out, I knew, KNEW, the story was going to end with a heroin related death. This is a problem
about which we have only seen the beginning. Keep a close eye on your adult children, it is common for use to begin well after the age of 20.

Last week, while in Menomenee Falls, WI to visty my son and his lovely family, I nearly stepped on a spent syringe in the parking lot of the hotel where I was staying. That was the first time I had ever had that unpleasant experience.

[Lynn]

Mike, that's such a sad story. Young people's brains aren't (from what I've read) fully developed until they reach their mid-20s; and they have yet to gain the perspective that age and life experiences bring. It's tragically easy for them to see situations as irreconcilable and irreversible, when older heads might counsel giving it some time and meanwhile talking it over with a responsible friend or parent.

The decision to end their lives can be made shockingly swiftly, giving parents and friends no time to identify the risk and take action to help. The death forever changes everyone's lives, with those closest living with the anguish of wondering if they had somehow missed the signs; if only..

A close friend of mine lost her 17 year old son almost a year ago, just a few weeks before his 18th birthday, shortly before he was due to graduate from high school. He had argued with his girlfriend and felt overwhelming guilt for hurting her emotionally. At home after school, with only his mother elsewhere in the house, he had been exchanging texts from his bedroom with his friends. Less than fifteen minutes later thinking it was unusually quiet she went upstairs, only to find his body. No-one had any indication of his intentions. Everyone who loved him continues to ask themselves "if only..."

I feel for what poor Ingrid's family and friends are going through. Life will be forever different for them. The sad thing is, even if they had suspected, they may not have been able to prevent her death. The decision and action can be made and completed in one moment of despair, before anyone is aware or able to act.

According to WHO, suicide was the second leading cause of death for 15-29 year olds globally in 2012. I have two teenage daughters and both know of at least one young person their age in our local area who has committed suicide. My wife and I know of two others, including our friend's son. This very personal tragedy is more widespread than we think.

It is an awful experience to go to the funeral of a young person you have known, to see the loss of all the potential for what their life might have been, and to witness the grief of parents who have to bury their own child, and their dreams. All we can do as parents and friends is to keep the communication lines open with our children as much as we can. To let them know they are loved even if we disagree with what they are doing. To encourage them to stay connected with their friends. And to give caring, non-judgmental support to those who are left behind.

[Speed]

Re: Camp Bow Wow

We are a prosperous country.

Re: The Story of Ingrid

Prosperity doesn't fix everything.

[Jamie Pillers]

Mike, thank you for this wonderful, thoughtful, and useful story. My heart goes out to anyone that suffers this sort of thing. Beautifully written, by the way.

[Stan B.]

Sorry to hear about Ingrid, don't know why it hit such a chord, it just did- as the tragic end of someone so young always should. Perhaps because it mirrors events in one's own life, perhaps because it shatters the myth that environments still exist that can protect the young from "big city" evils, perhaps because it makes one realize that while tragedy is something so uniquely personal, it is also so completely universal.

[Godfrey]

"Mourn the losses because they are many.
Celebrate the victories because they are few."

That's a sad thing to hear. My heart goes out to her and to her family. And to those like you who feel the loss as well.

[J R in WV]

Oh, man, that is so sad.

My next door neighbor's niece got caught with 22 gram bags of H in her panties in a raid a year ago. She has, it turns out, a neurological disease like MS but not MS - causes weakness, reflected pain, etc. Maybe she was self-medicating with smack since it was so much cheaper than black-market painkillers at $20/pill. But maybe just getting as high as she could, as much as she could.

Ingrid sounds as if she had some internal pain in her mind, and medicated that - or just wanted to get as high as she could, and then a little too high.

Such a shame to OD on your fave drug... I never understood doing smack, right after the rush, you puke - throw up on purpose. Not part of my party picture at all, but whatever.

What a thing to serve for morning coffee break! But it happens a lot in rural America.

Not always, but often to people who had so much to live for. Like Janis, Billy Holiday, Jimmi Hendrix, Jerry Garcia, wow, so many of them going way back. Big Band and Blues artists... Dr. John is reputed to be a user...

I'm sorry for your loss, which is a loss for all of us, everywhere. Think of the offspring she may have had! Cure Ebola, or Autism, or, or...

[Joel Bartlett]

Well spoke and heart felt. This one of the reasons I enjoy this blog even when it wonders off photography.

[David]

Wow. In just three paragraphs and a sentence you made me miss Ingrid.

[Don]

People will always take drugs, always have done. It's when the self-righteous interfere in the lives of others that the problems arise.

Unintentional death by heroin overdose you can blame entirely upon the war on drugs industry, which also puts billions of dollars into the hands of the lowest types of humanity, not to mention Afghan warlords and, on and off, the Taliban.

Criminalising drugs means all the profits go to criminals who care nothing for the product supplied nor those who use it.

[David Miller]

Mike, I am not sending a comment because this post needs anything added. It is complete, moving, and important. I am writing to say "thank you," and to assure you that silence is sometimes the most deeply-felt applause.

[Mark]

Mike, I'm surprised that no one has commented on this story. It is very sad.

Thank you for writing a story that makes me pause ... and think about life. It doesn't happen often.

[JohnMFlores]

That was touching and sad and wonderfully told.

[Mikal W. Grass]

Mike, your best writing by leaps and bounds. As I was reading this, I pictured Eugene Richards' riveting drug culture photos passing like a slide show through my mind.

Robert Roaldi - perfectly said.

Ingrid, Ingrid. I am so sorry. Ingrid's mom - I am sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine the pain.

[Wayne]

If there is a gift/blessing associated with the the trial of a heroin addicted child, it would be that the experience teaches you there are things in this world that are worse than death. It is an unsettling, yet strangely liberating thing.

This day and age, never ignore the signs.