Open Mike: The Indestructible Squeaky Toy (OT for Dog Lovers)

Lulu at twilight in the park, 2009

Medical science cannot cure the common cold. Add to that that human engineering and materials science apparently is incapable of creating a dog's chew toy that a) squeaks and b) that my quarter-pit cannot rip to shreds in a matter of minutes.

Take for instance one particular $9 pet shop toy widely advertised as "indestructible" (the ongoing experiment at TOP World HQ has comprised a statistically significant sampling):

"Indestructible" squeaky toy's best record: approx. 1 hour and 50 minutes (in timed 15 minute daily sessions)

Lulu's best record destroying the same $9 "indestructible" squeaky toy: approx. 7 minutes 30 seconds.

Lulu's groomer Nicole also has a bully-breed who is larger and even stronger and more exuberant than Lulu, which is saying...well, a lot. I asked her if there was such a thing as an indestructible squeaky toy, and her answer was a very emphatic "NO!!" She said she even found a chew toy advertised as "tiger tested," which supposedly survived being gnawed on by full-grown tigers. Her part-pit had it strewn all over her living room in an hour.

This seems like a challenge that humanity ought to be up to, now that it's 2014, but guess not. Just sayin'.

Mike

"Open Mike" is TOP's weekly ramble in the park. Published occasionally on Sundays. A day late this week, and yes, Yr. Hmbl. Ed. is also typically a dollar short.

Original contents copyright 2014 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved. Links in this post may be to our affiliates; sales through affiliate links may benefit this site.

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(To see all the comments, click on the "Comments" link below.)

Featured Comments from:

Rick Grant: "When I saw the title of this post in my RSS reader I jumped into it straightaway in the hopes of finding the indestructible squeaky dog toy. But alas, there has not been a breakthrough in toy technology. I keep Border Collies and there isn't a squeaky toy that a Border Collie cannot reduce to fragments within half an hour. But for some perverse reason I keep buying them, only to be bitterly disappointed."

darr: "Human engineering and materials science do not equal the indestructible willpower and determination of a bored canine."

Comments

[KeithB]

Sorry, can't help you. I have a small poodle.

[Dave in NM]

My Catahoulas are just as bad. Get another puppy. It'll most likely provide squeaks for longer than an hour and fifty minutes. It worked for us - Giabbone is 16 months old now, and although he's 70 pounds+, Malcolm the Catahoula, who's the same size still makes him squeak every day.

On the other hand, squeaking might not be necessary - the toy might just need to make noise. Our dogs derive endless pleasure from destroying half-gallon milk or olive oil jugs - they make lots of noise, and they're big enough so that they resist being squashed in the first bite. And they don't cost nine dollars...

It's good to see you back. Hope you're feeling yourself again.

[Jack]

Get the biggest nylabone you can find. Good luck.

[Bill Tyler]

Mike, I hope this post means you're approaching full health. I've enjoyed the vintage posts, but it will be good to have you back in the present.

[John Camp]

Try this. Get up every morning and smear a little hamburger on a rock about the size of a baseball. Last forever.

[Craig Soars]

I have a small Havenese/Chihuahua cross (Havachi?) who delights in using his teeth to rip apart toys at their seams and then remove the squeakers and an unbelievable amount of poly-fill stuffing. Truly, these soft toys employ some sort of TARDIS-like feature.

Harder, rubberized toys are silenced by targeted chewing/picking around the base of the squeaker passage and the rest of the toy - this process involves copious amounts of dog drool and a disturbingly 'wet' gurgly wheezing sound whenever the toy is compressed or repositioned. Tennis balls are summarily de-fuzzed and then rolled across the floor picking up dust and hair after being coated in a layer of drool. What Victor lacks in jaw size, he makes up for in nimble incisors and canines that can home in on structural weaknesses.

The joys of dog ownership!

[Art in LA]

We have a little French Bulldog-Boston Terrier mix and she can destroy pretty much any dog toy. However, we've found these Hartz Roundabout toys to be surprisingly durable. They're squishy/rubbery (really hard for those canine teeth to break through) with a very nice squeak and indoor bounce. You should give one a test drive. http://www.amazon.com/Hartz-Roundabouts-Dog-Elephant-Large/dp/B000UJYWVE

[Larry Jasper (aka Oldbro)]

Well you thru down the gauntlet ---- Sooo Ok I'll bite. ;-)

The best bang for buck I have ever come across for ANY size doggie --

are Racket Balls. In my earlier days I used to play racket ball -- and one day I discovered my pup loved to "retrieve" them and to chew on them ad infinite em.

To this day and three Golden Retriever's later, I have NEVER seen any racket ball bust.

They used to be like $5.00 for a sealed can containing two racket balls. THATs $2.50 per racket ball.

Can't beat em with a stick!! and the Doggie will be Soooo happy.

Hope you are feeling better and on the mend.

[B. R. George]

Maybe the problem is that they tiger-test each unit before shipping it? This probably sounded like great QA/QC when they instituted the policy, but I imagine it leads to a lot of units making it to customers a little worse-for-wear.

[steven Ralser]

The closest we've come to an indestructible toy is a Jolly Ball. It's a hard plastic ball with 5 holes in it, on the inside is another ball. Thai has lasted many months, but does not get played with all the time. Our dog can do what Lulu does in about the same time.

Hers an image I found online

http://www.caesarsdiffusion.com/images/Teaser%20Ball%20Jolly%20Bal.jpg

[Richard Parkin]

Good to see you back!
I know little about pit bulls or squeaky toys but I do know terriers and when they get anything that squeaks they go at it until it stops. I presently have a terrier from a long line of workers who is a devil for killing any furry creature but leaves them as soon as they are dead. He will destroy any indestructible toy but loves playing with and mouthing tennis balls and almost never breaks them up. Tennis balls are widely used as a training aid and reward for drugs dogs and the like so I am not entirely surprised he loves them.

For an interesting read about pit bulls (and philosophy) I would recommend "Adam's Task: Calling Animals by Name" by Vicki Hearne
http://www.amazon.com/Adams-Task-Calling-Animals-Name/dp/1602390029

[Chris Crawford]

When I was in high school and college, my parents had a hybrid wolf. He was a friendly 'dog', but not the best 'pet', given his habit of killing and eating large numbers of rabbits, chipmunks, and mice. He caught far more mice than our fat lazy cat ever did! (despite kitty's laziness, the wolf-dog was scared to death of him. Cat was evil!)

My parents were always trying to find him toys that would last more than 5 minutes, to no avail. One of the local supermarkets used to sell cow leg bones with meat on them, labeled "Bones for Pets". They used to get those and cook them on the grill for the wolf-dog. He would eat the whole thing, bone and meat, in about an hour.

[Stan B.]

When I first got my English Bull Terrier Bob from his previous owner, he was one year young. Immediately to his right was a large, all metal Tonka dump truck- completely, thoroughly perforated.

PS- Welcome back.

[Malcolm Leader]

Mike, the technical term for this is a "squeakerectomy". All dogs are born with the ability to perform this task post haste. BTW, my vets, over the years, have strongly cautioned against regular tennis balls as they are too abrasive to the teeth. Often hard to find, but my Goldens love "Pinkie Balls" They stand up well, are inexpensive and bounce real high. A retriever's delight!

[Roger Bradbury]

A friend gave his dog a squeaky toy in the shape of the extremely annoying 'Mister Blobby'

I didn't like Mr Blobby one little bit, and it always cheered me up to see the squeaky toy getting a good chewing. : )

[Speed]

I know from experience that racket balls can become lodged in a retriever-size dog's trachea with potentially lethal result.

I use the cheapest tennis balls I can find. My wife buys the most expensive (so it seems) chew toys she can find. The house is littered with bald but chewable tennis balls. The trash is full of chew toys.

[David Brown]

We never did the test as scientifically as you did. Our late, great wiener dog Moose was an aptly named 32 pounder (and not fat), who could destroy any toy post haste. On the other hand, his cousin Louie (only 30 pounds) would NOT destroy a squeaky toy but would make it squeak for hours on end as if in a trance. If Moose hadn't destroyed them, I would have!

[plus.google.com/115087776043526395100]

Not squeaky, but basically impossible to destroy is the Kong Extreme. My father tested these on working German Shepherds and never failed him. You can thread a rope through the top and use it for tug-of-war with the dog, or for throwing long distance. Excellent products.

Have a look: http://www.kongcompany.com/products/for-dogs/rubber-toys/extreme-rubber-toys/kong-extreme/

[Bill McFadden]

Can't resist this one, Mike. Our last dog was a malamute who chewed through aluminum driveway markers, huge knuckle bones, etc in a few minutes. A lacrosse ball was suggested - he didn't chew it, just ignored it (but it might be a choice as a larger handball).
Then, as a joke, I brought home a little soft squeaky ball from Woolworths - probably the Hartz Mountain. He kept it for the rest of his life, had a special storage place in a closet, took it out to play with and NEVER put a tooth mark in it.
Perhaps you just haven't hit pride of ownership - maybe a squeaky Leica is the answer.

[Bryan Willman]

Actually, being able to *destroy it* is often what makes the toy a toy. To many dogs (including some I've had) an "industructible toy" is an oxymoron. Shredding the stuffed toy and strewing the contents all over was *the whole point*.

[andy sheppard]

I know it doesn't squeak, but a friend of mine has a two dogs - and their favourite toys are large-size traffic cone and a fender (ylmv) from a fishing boat! Both of these knock the giant Kong toys into a cocked hat re size. Nothing takes you by surprise more than a huge lurcher coming at you from behind in the dark wielding a wrecked and jagged traffic cone, I can tell you!!