Sunday Open Mike: Porsches In My Way

I had a fun day on my day off yesterday. Our local Mercedes dealer, which also sells Infiniti, Maserati, and Porsche, had a driving school day. You got to hop into a Boxster or Cayman with a driving instructor and flog it around a tight little course laid out in their stock lot with white lines and cones. After a couple of laps, you switched places with the instructor, who then demonstrated how it's really done.

The dealer is Mercedes-Benz of Elmbrook, which is now located in Waukesha, not Elmbrook. (I assume the name will be changing once the new location is established. Although the Lakers are still named for Minnesota lake country.) It's a division of International Autos.

I drove a Boxster a bit sloppily (never drove one before, never drove their cones before) but, if I do say so myself, quite quickly. At least quite a bit more quickly than most of the other participants were managing. Then Cass Whitehead took the wheel and showed me the difference between real race drivers and guys like me who normally drive like they have their free arm draped across the top of the passenger seat. As Cass said, "It's like go-karts, only with a car." He'd been doing it all day—in fact, in his role as Lead Instructor at the Porsche Sport Driving School at Barber Motorsport Park in Leeds, Alabama, he does it year-in, year-out—but he didn't seem bored. He knocked off a crisp, fast lap that pasted us up against the seat side-bolsters, and put li'l ol' me in my proper, ah, perspective.

Driving school is in a peculiar class of activities at my stage of life: it's in the category of "always wanted to...and still might." (Most "always wanted tos...." are now in the "...but never will" box.)

I'm going to have to revise my opinion of Porsches. When I was first driving on the north shore of Milwaukee in the 1970s, 911s—especially Targas—were the "chick cars" of choice for the hip young housewife, who drove them about the same way their younger doppelgangers now drive the gussied-up trucks called SUVs. To the amusement of my friends, I worked out alternate lyrics for a song called "Porsches in My Way," sung to the tune of "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes," which I was wont to croon whenever I got trapped behind a Porsche doing an imitation of a tortoise.

The other demo the dealer was offering was an extended test drive in the new Panamera (it's pronounced "pan-uh-MARE-uh."). I had no expectations whatsoever for that exercise. The Panamera struck me from the start as a conceptual monstrosity, like a BMW SUV or a Leica rangefinder with a 28–300mm zoom. But...well, it's not. It's actually a pure delight to drive—it reminded me of that Mozart quote about how the pianoforte should be played in his piano concertos—"It must flow like oil." The Panamera is as close to the experience of a flying in a glider as you can get on the ground. In my experience at least. Lovely.

Fun couple of hours. No Porsches in my way, either, all day.

Mike

P.S. Why no pictures? Because your idiot host carefully charged the camera battery but then came away from the house with camera in hand but without a card. Sheesh. Keep it together, Mikey, keep it together.

"Open Mike," which consists of off-topic posts on a variety of subjects written by Yr. Hmbl. Ed., appears intermittently, but only on Sundays.

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Original contents copyright 2010 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved.

Featured Comment by Rex Kersley: "Reminds me of an old joke: Guy hires a odd job man to paint the porch. When he returns there is a note, 'Sorry Boss, couldn't find the Porsche, so I painted the Ferrari instead.'"

Featured Comment by Michael: "I've got the answer for forgetting to replace the card in the camera. Always carry a spare in your wallet. Works for me anyway."

Comments

[Clayton]

About a month ago I went to the hospital to meet my new grandson and left the card in the reader. I almost forgot that I had a memory stick thingy in the second slot. It had been there a couple of years without getting used.You need to get that Sony.

[James Bullard]

Gee, and they start at $74.4K? That goes straight to my "never will" list. It sounds like a fun day though.

[robert e]

Well, it was probably best to keep both hands on the wheel anyway.

But, Mike, these days you can buy an SD card at any drug store, even most gas stations, just like you could once find film almost anywhere. They may not be the fastest or the biggest, but they will do in a pinch. A depleted rechargeable battery, on the other hand, is more difficult to work around, so good on yer there.

(I guess it would also work to keep a spare card in the glove box or the change dish.)

[Hugh crawford]

Old Porsches will do exactly what you tell them to, right now, no matter how bad and ill considered an idea it is, with a literal mindedness that is quite impressive. The Boxster et al are more like "you probably didn't mean to stomp on the gas in the middle of a corner with loose gravel and spin the car one and a half times so here, let me fix that for you."

[Darrell Marquette]

Maybe a simple toy camera next time. No battery and no card but you do have to load the film.

[Eric]

The Panamera (stupid name) just looks wrong, whatever its other virtues. The Cayenne (stupid name) looks like any other SUV. So happy I have an 18-y-o 968 and live within 15 minutes of the German autobahn system.

[Maggie Osterberg]

Mike, that sounds like a BLAST! The Stig and I heartily approve! (Yes, I named my car. Maggie Rule: If it has a boxer engine, it can have a name.) I bet the Boxster, with the top down, I assume, sounded (and drove) like a little bit of heaven.

Though you sent a shudder down my spine with the mental image of a Leica M hanging off of a 28-300 zoom ! I think I'll have to take The Stig out to the country and see if I can shake that image out of my head...

[Lars Clausen]

Porsche? A chick car? Not on this side of the puddle, it ain't.

[Kurt Shoens]

One quick test shot, first step out of the door. I guess my front yard is my theme.

[Mike Johnston]

"$74.4K? That goes straight to my 'never will' list."

Yup, mine too. The one we drove was a 6-cyl. with a sticker of $87k. I made sure I told the salesman I'm not in the market. I would never have test-driven it except that it was one of the entertainments they'd arranged for their day of activities.

But hey, they got me to mention the car on my blog, so they got something out of it.

Mike

[Paul McEvoy]

hint: if you take the card out of the camera, leave the door open and the camera upside down. works for me.

[Mike Johnston]

"I bet the Boxster, with the top down, I assume"

Maggie,
Actually, they had the top UP, despite the beautiful day. The driving instructor explained to me, somewhat apologetically, that they get too much crud in them from the course, and it gets too hot for the instructors, who have to spend all day in them.

Love the name "the Stig" for a car...a triple entendre!

Mike

[Adrian]

The joke only works if one mispronounces "Porsche." It's supposed to be close to PORSH-uh, not PORSH.

[Mike Johnston]

Adrian,
I think that's a feature of the joke, not a bug....

Mike

[Bron]

Mr. Mike,

Get thee progeny to a driving course as well. I learned on the street, though I was around street racers who were still walking and talking.

I hate it when I carefully charge the battery, and leave, with it still in the charger. (Current camera is first I have not bought extra battery for, only a problem, see above.)

[Maggie Osterberg]

Mike,

Top up, eh? Damn, that's a bummer. Well, the reasons all make perfect sense and I guess if you want to drive a Boxster with the top down, they want you to buy one.

Adrian, I remember seeing T-shirts (around the time of the 944 and 928) that read "Porsche Is A Two-Syllable Word," and that were supposedly given to new 944 owners by the dealer. Hehehehe.

[Robin P]

No Infiniti here in Britain (surprised at your spelling mistake Mike) so we don't know much about them. In fact I thought they were overpriced Hondas (ugh!) but looking at
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infiniti
it seems they are overpriced Datsuns - an even worse concept than Lexus. At least you can always say to a Lexus driver "why didn't you just buy a real Mercedes?"

[robert harshman]

Mike, your having an off day :)

It's Leeds, ALABAMA, not Georgia.

right next to Birmingham, Alabama that is. I had a shoot there where the location lost power the night before the shoot, so I had to stay another day and got to explore a bit. The Barber Motorsport Museum located there too is a not to missed site if you love motorcycles. they have over 900 on display all the way to some fo the first "powered two wheelers" to the latest racing bikes and just about everything in between, even a bunch of scooters.

The location is a bit sureal especially if you come to it from the back roads. Imagine your driving along a narrow two lane country road and all of a sudden you come to a split 4 lane raod with a huge sign off to the side. You turn and start down this new 4 lane split roadway with curbes, future turnoffs already waiting and you go about a mile or so and you still just in the country. (Do you know how fricking expensive this road must have been?) Then as you come up over a hill you see a gleaming metal 4 story modern building with some floor to floor glass windows. It's an amazing site from the outside and the inside will not disappoint. for some it may well be worth the trip alone.

Regards,

Robert

[Ricardo]

I used to obsess about sports cars as a kid. As I grew older I very rationally realized that they are an utter waste of money.

One day, about 10 years ago, I drove a friend's 911 turbo convertible (with the top down, btw), and fell in love - I would have bought one right then if I'd had anywhere near the money.

Now, I'm again being rational... as long as I don't get close to one.

[James]

I can't resist a gliding reference. Now if only I could think of a witty comment.

"Uses less gas than a Porche"

glider photo

James.

[Mike Johnston]

James,
Kewl. A glider ride is still in my "always wanted to and still might" folder.

Mike

[Craig]

Sounds like fun. I think the BMW plant near us has events like this at their test track from time to time. It's one of my "Always wanted to ... still might" items.

Gliders fly our of our local airport too. Haven't decided if I'm putting a ride in one on my "Always wanted to do" list.

Funny you should mention not having a card. I took my D300s out to a new spot today. Snapped away for an hour or so. Got back to the house, and realized there wasn't an SD card in the slot. Don't know why I didn't check it first like I usually do. Luckily, the back-up/video Compact Flash card was in there. Ahhhh, dual card slots! Gotta love 'em!

[John Brewton]

I think I was the first one to use the term "POS Porsche" in print!! Lamborghini-Maserati Newsletter, 1985.

[toto]

If you can pronounce Panasonic and camera, you should have no trouble with Panamera :)

[James McDermott]

Fast brrm-brrm yearnings and forgotten memory cards are part of the same condition, Mike. It's called Middle Age. Next, expect to spend more time in front of the display windows of chunky wrist-bracelet stores, or at Kiss concerts.

[Paul Mc Cann]

Youngest son bought himself a Boxster recently. It been a long time since I just wanted to get into a car to drive it but the Boxster does it for me. Unfortunately I KNOW it would get me into trouble with old Bill. I would find it nigh impossible to drive slowly, so I just stay away from it.

[erlik]

Nice. Porsches are not my favourite cars/brand, but it would still be great to give them a whirl.

Names Dept.: Maggie, allow me to disagree with your choice of the name for your WRX. :-) Lacetti or something similar, yes, but an Impreza is both too serious and not serious enough at the same time. :-)

[Inaki]

I´m sorry, Lars, but the Porsches are still chick cars in this side of the pond, too. Funnily enough, they are chick cars to scaremonger the driver on the copilot side. Do NEVER be the copilot of a chick driving a porsche. Most [if not 99.9%] of the Porsche owners do not know how to drive a Porsche, but brag quite something about it.

Overall, they do repeat the marketing connundrum printed out in the leaflets.

Panamera comes from the Panamericana race. It is actually the best name Porsche has ever had, as opposed to weird and obscure number combinations.

If you really want to have a laugh, and have the best driving experience, I´m sorry to say but you need to turn to France, and to front wheel drive. The magic name is Renaultsport, and the magic names are Clio 197 RS and Megane RS, specially the Megane RS 225 F1.

Yep, yet another myth fallen. They are plasticky, expensive [as around 25.000 US dollars or 20.000 euros for the Clio 197 RS], but they do not take themselves too seriously, aknowledge they are not perfect and enjoy it, and grip much better on the corners than a tax inspector to your wage. And most important, they look and feel angry at all times. Which is nice.

But bear in mind this comes from somebody who actually likes much better the sound of a high revving and angry four cylinder banger than the ugly gnarling sound of a 6,8 or 12 cylinder.

Definitely, Germany is nowadays quite overrated. Come to think of it, they overall produce whales, be them photo whales [Leica anybody?] be them car whales [Bimmers, VAG-Porsche, Daimler Group], string instruments [Eberhard Meinhel, Rumber, etc.].

PS: Bear in mind that Porsche is still alive and kicking ass due to the existance of those 80´s chicks and nowadays Fab-Wifes, who found that they can have the Porsche emblem on a car that can actually sit 4 people [regardless of the size], have a tall driving position, and still be as f-ugly as they can.

If you want a good german car, buy a Mondeo. If you want a good german sportscar, buy a Mondeo ST220. If you want wafting finess with no-holds stability, buy a Mondeo ST220.

Sorry, that car never reached US shores. And it is a shame.

[RobG]

Maggie - yay, another WRX driver. Mine's costing me money, the anti-fun squad got me the other week, proceeding at a velocity that they heartily disapproved of. Ah well. Maybe she needs a better name than Red. I never really name cars.

Mike - for what I spent on my Rex, I could have had a pretty good late '80s 911 Turbo... and I was tempted, but exotic Euro machinery and North Qld roads are not a good mix, even if (old) Porsches are built like brick outhouses (and where would I put my work toolbox?)

[Gingerbaker]

"No Infiniti here in Britain ...it seems they are overpriced Datsuns - an even worse concept than Lexus...."

As the proud and original U.S. owner of a 2004 Infiniti G35 Coupe let me be the first to correct your misapprehension.

In 2004, your Nissan (Datsun) platforms were all front-wheel drive, whilst the Infiniti line were rear-wheel or all-wheel drives. Consequently, the chassis bore little resemblance, to say nothing of the performance characteristics. Datsun made nothing comparable at the time.

My G35 Coupe is drop dead gorgeous, seats four ( two very comfortably and two... not so much), has a full leather interior, Tiptronic-type transmission, climate-control, electric moon roof, huge Bose stereo, etc and the performance and handling characteristics of the concurrent BMW 5 series of the time. ( 0 -> 60 mph in 5.2 - 5.5 seconds, rides on rails, 280 HP and FP of torque, top speed 155 mph).

It came with a a full five-year warranty, seven years on the drive train and rust-through, and has one of the better resale values of any car.

It made about every Top Ten list in the automotive media, and was even a Consumer Reports Best Buy ( for what that is worth) All for $35k - about one-half of the price of the BMW.

First and only car I ever owned that made a trip to the grocery store an adventure, and it transformed my wife from someone who never even noticed automobiles into the second coming of Andy Granatelli. :D

Here we are with the new member of the family right before we drove it off the lot.

[Bryce Lee]

Then there was the chap driving his new low-slung German sports car who collected a friend to take him for a ride. After a while the friend asks "what's the long wall we are driving beside?" The chap replies,
"that's no wall, that's the edge of the curb."

Mike all of those vehicles are exotica. And if you have to ask the cost of a regular service, then you can not afford any of them. Besides would you drive one of those "toy"s (and that's what they are in the winter) during a winter snowstorm to see it get covered in slush, salt and road grime?

[John Camp]

I'm glad nobody's ripping on the Panamera's roofline, because I actually went out and bought one a couple of months ago (the 4S model.) I drive a lot of long distances (love road trips), and have tended toward large cars that don't tear you up after four or five hours on the road. The Panamera is my first chance at a "reasonable" Porsche -- eight hours in a 911 and you feel like you just got out of a food processor. The Panamera is fast, smooth, comfortable, handles well for its size, and you can take great piles of stuff with you (it's really a sneaky hatchback, and will hold as much as most cross-over SUVs.) I don't know how big the gas tank is, but I've put in as much as 24 gallons, so it's big, and will take you a long way between refills. It does have a few faults - the windshield is slightly too raked, and at four o'clock on a summer afternoon, driving into the sun, reflections can be a problem. The first move out of a full stop can be hitchy in the normal driving mode, as it starts in 2nd gear. Other than that, just about a perfect car for my kind of driving.

JC

[B Grace]

Pan-Uh-Mare-Uh. I suppose it is meant to remind one of old-fashioned greatness in the Pan-America (race-speak for Mexico) of yore but I'm no Porsche-phile. It is a lot like using the term Porsh in conversation though - it helps to ID who is who.

As for the truck named after a pepper I'm not too sure. I will say that once you watch the Porsche video of the thing flying through a slalom course on wet pavement while towing a trailer having a 911 for cargo you will be impressed.

[James]

I have calculated that I will be 63 years old before I can afford to buy a Porsche 911, after my youngest son (now a 5 year old) leaves university, my only daughter will be 30 (after which she can pay for her own damn wedding if she hasn't got married to that point), and the mortgage is fully paid off. That's another 18 years, and will be 50 years from the time I fell in love with the early 70s Porsche 911.

Of passing interest, maybe. In the UK, Porsche Boxster sales fell off a cliff when the credit crunch broke a couple of years ago, while 911 sales remained about constant. Porsche UK said that 911 buyers tended to be immune to short-term financial pressures (ie properly rich), whereas Boxster drivers tended to only just be able to afford the cheaper model and were much more affected by recession. Based on that logic, I'll never be a "natural" 911 driver, and indeed, at the age of 63, my eyesight / reactions / medical condition should probably combine to make it a bad idea to buy one at all!

[Clive Evans]

My 60th birthday this year:bought myself two presents:
A 1974 911 2.7 carrera
A Linhof Master Tech outfit with 75, 150 and 270mm lenses.
Who needs NEW stuff?
Clive
www.clive-evans.com

[Ludovic]

I just *had* to laugh in empathy, there - because I went on a motorbike weekend tour with my GF1, a fully charged battery and, you guess it, no card.

It was on Aug. 28th/29th, too.

I'd say that great minds bloop alike, but *I* am not a great mind.