Canon 5D Mark II Achieves Only 60% TOP Rating

SA***

The Canon 5D Mark II has achieved only a 60% rating from TOP, the world's leading camera review site. Although this might seem low to the camera's fans, there are very good reasons for this based upon our standard reviewing policies. Here is a list of the camera's demerits and downgrades:

• Only 167 features out of a possible 243. As everyone knows, features are weighted for bulk. Cameras are penalized 1% for every ten features by which they're short of the maximum, the maximum being always the most desirable state, and not just when it comes to features. Minus 7%.

• Not as heavy as the 1D or 1Ds. Heavier is better. Minus 2%

• No phone. Whoever heard of a camera you can't make calls from? It's like a phone that doesn't store MP3s. Minus 5%. 

• Doesn't store MP3s. Minus 1%. Would have been more of a downgrade, but the musical taste of many potential purchasers is sorry bordering on wretched. Speaking of which, if American Idol doesn't end soon you're going to have to get the noose ready, Farquar, because we're going to have to hang ourselves.

• People are using the naff device to shoot bloody television episodes with.* Any camera that so blatantly encourages its own misuse cannot be all good. Minus 6%.

• Nail clippers? Mini scissors? The little slide-in toothpick thingy? All missing. Minus 3%.

• Cameras exist with higher megapixel counts. Demonstrated extremes in megapixel counts reveal the limits of technical feasibility, and the limits of technical feasibility must be at least equaled for us to take a product seriously. Minus 2%

• Bad name. Naming cameras after weapons can get you shot at in war zones, especially if you use a zoom the size of a battering ram with your initials painted in big letters on the side, and your name is Ricardo Pesterman Grunwald. Minus 8%. Seems harsh, but there is no remedy for death under the terms of the warranty.

• Lack of Bluetooth connectivity for the phone. We know we already said it has no phone, but we expect Bluetooth connectivity for cameras with phones, and our policy is to downgrade cameras for all missing features. Sorry, no exceptions. Minus 3%. 

Total demerit score: Minus 37%. This results in a score of 60%**, which in turn leads to a rating of "Warmly Recommended." This is on the verge of a failing rating for us, since it comes five down in our rating hierarchy, after (in ascending order): Urgently Recommended; No Really Very Strenuously and Urgently Recommended; Critical To Your Happiness And Continuing Sense of Self Worth; and our top rating, We Are Debiting Your Bank Account And Sending You One Whether You Like It Or Not. 

It does takes great pictures, like that's enough.

Mike

*We employed Britishisms here because Hugh Laurie of House, in a canny Andy-Kaufmann-like existential vamp, gives interviews speaking in a really very plausible English accent.

**Note that the total score is arrived at arbitrarily. It has no relation to the total demerit score.

***Satire Alert. This means that this post is not serious. Before firing off angry comment, please refer to the definition of "satire," which may be found in most decent English dictionaries. Comes after sateless and before satori.

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Original contents copyright 2010 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved.

Featured Comment by Mike Plews: "I understand the last episode of Jeeves and Wooster was shot on a Minolta 16. Or was that an Aaton 16? I get them confused."

Featured Comment by Louis McCullagh: "Re the episode of House shot on a Canon 5D Mark II: an interview with the producer, Greg Yaitanes, is on Philip Bloom's website."

Comments

[GH]

It probably has to do with poor handling of low ISO banding in shadows and a rather weak build, for the price. ;)

[Mike Plews]

I understand the last episode of Jeeves and Wooster was shot on a Minolta 16 or was that an Aaton 16? I get them confused.

[Zane Davis]

Even within the realm of satire, the bit joking around about cameras being mistaken for RPGs is poor taste, in light of Namir Noor-Eldeen.

[Cateto/Jose]

You killed me with this post, Mike.

One of the best articles I've read since the glorious "Great photographers on the internet", which is saying.

[robert e]

But Hugh Laurie is British (born in Oxford, raised Scottish Presbyterian, educated at Eton and Cambridge)--it's House the character with the American accent. Or am I missing a subtle layer of satire? Or are you in reality Andy Kaufmann? Am I?

[Mike Johnston]

robert e,
It was a joke, I say, son, a joke.

Mike

[Mike]

Heck, the feature downgrade puts the Ikon in 'negative territory' - before you even consider the phone!

Mike

[Christian]

Does it at least sport a linux OS under it's buttons? If I can't hack (jailbreak) it and access my facebook and update foursquare (thus becoming Mayor of my current locale) then it's hardly a co...wait. Which multifunciton device are we discussing again?

[grubernd]

The only thing not funny on this post was the reference to being shot at in a warzone because your lens looks like an RPG to a trigger-happy gunner in an Apache helicopter....

[CJB]

Where's the GPS? How am I expected to find the nearest Starbucks without it? And that direct print button is so 2004. It should be a "post to Twitter" button!

[buligas]

What about coffee? A camera pretending to be that advanced but which doesn't know how to make a coffee? I didn't ask for orange juice, nor even expresso! Just simple coffee! So, IMO, more than 50% for this camera is an overstatement!

[Bill Rogers]

Is it April 1st AGAIN?

[Bill Rogers]

You forgot the rating of "Really, Honest To God, No Sh*t, Moderately Recommended."

[Sal Santamaura]

Real cameras don't have batteries. Your score is 60% higher than it should be.

This comment isn't satirical. :-)

[Michael Steinbach]

You forgot to add that it doesn't ride like your Mercedes. + 2%

[Kent]

You're just sore that it doesn't connect wirelessly to the navigation system in your Benz, so you can't review shots on the navi screen.

Come to think of it ... that's a pretty serious omission.

[Pete F.]

That sliding toothpick thingy is a great idea. Plus, if it had a touchscreen LCD (which you didn't deduct for - what's with that?) it could double as a built in stylus.

[Paul Glover]

If it can't take a noise-free, well-focused available light photo of someone developing 8x10 panchromatic sheet film in trays in a darkroom, it doesn't have the low-light chops demanded of real photographic tools this year and is therefore worthless.

[Mike Johnston]

"the only thing not funny on this post was the reference to being shot at in a warzone"

Hey, I'm still missing a whole pound of flesh for respecting Namir to the hilt and not backing down an inch. The joke's about the camera name, that's all. Sorry if I offended.

Mike

[Koen]

Wow, that's a very serious application for video on an SLR. Wasn't aware the video was that good, rollin shutters and all that. Then again... 'meh'.

*looks at his Leica* So eh... features huh? Why didn't they put a casette player in there back in 1986?

[Gordon Lewis]

Reviews such as this one show why TOP deserves to be the premier resource for fanboys looking for any evidence whatsoever, real or imagined, that their camera is vastly superior to all others. As you yourself note, the fact that the Canon EOS 5D Mark II is an excellent camera, capable of top-quality results in either still or video mode scarcely matters. Now I don't feel nearly so bad about not being able to afford one.

[Robert Noble]

I see that the website being parodied here has instituted a "quick review" format, first used last week for the Sony A850.

The "quick review" format is officially only "for cameras that are operationally similar and fundamentally identical in terms of image quality to models that we already treated to a full review."

But I wonder whether that website won't find more uses for the new, shorter review format (as opposed to full-blown 32-pagers) as they strive to live up to their website's name and deliver reviews more frequently than it seems they have been lately.

People increasingly read only the last page of those 32-page reviews, and I think that if the website has to make a choice, they should know that a lot of their site visitors might prefer "more frequent" reviews to "more detailed" reviews.

[Rick in CO]

Mike, you should have given it 10 points extra credit for a 227 page instruction booklet which is required reading and must be kept on hand at all time to operate the camera.

[Paul Crouse]

Actually the definition of "satori" is applicable here.

[george]

Well Mike, if you would read user manuals, you wouldn't post such sorry reviews:

of course there is telephone functionality! you just have to set CF23 to 3.

man! do your homework!

cheers
george

[John Camp]

In the hierarchy listing, there should be a comma after "No" and "really." It should read, "No, really, very strenuously..." etc. Just having read it makes me ashamed.

Dude, satire before satori? That's so heavy, I mean...anybody got any chips or cookies?...but, uh, where was I? You got a Benz? Dude...

JC

[James McDermott]

I don't know where this leaves my Pentax MX in the ratings game, though it must rescue a few points for doubling as a collar press/steer brander/heretic confessor if the base plate's heated sufficiently.

[James McDermott]

People increasingly read only the last page of those 32-page reviews, and I think that if the website has to make a choice, they should know that a lot of their site visitors might prefer "more frequent" reviews to "more detailed" reviews.

Posted by: Robert Noble

I don't know what kind of survey you've done to come to this conclusion, Robert. I certainly like to read the whole thing, if I'm in the mood for an in-depth tech review. Like or loath that particular site's value judgments, there's a lot more meat there than in, for example, a certain 4-page Mickey Mouse figurine alternative. Having said that, I still prefer 'proper' field reviews.

[Gert Visser]

Wow, am I glad TOP didn't rate camera's in the early days!! My first one, a Kodak Instamatic, would have got a negative percentage and of course I never would have bought it and never would have made a photograph!!
Gert

[RobG]

For mine, there was no offence taken re the RPG comment. And even if Mike had mentioned the Apache (which he didn't) I still wouldn't have taken offence. Pretending that some things aren't funny just isn't, well, funny. Humour is often edgy, that's what makes it funny. I never met Namir, but I have read about him and I don't thnk he'd be offended by this post; as a man seemingly with a willingness to be cheerful no matter what, I think he would see the humour.

[sebastian]

I don´t agree with the bluetooth satire. still wondering why nobody realizes how useful a little and inexpensive bluetooth chip could be - for tethering (with you notebook or perhaps your backup-service service via the mobile) and/or GPS communication etc.
more even than full-hd 5" display on the back of the camera (something everyone seems to crave for and I don´t really understand how this will improve image quality)

[Frank]

One of the best articles I've read since the glorious "Great photographers on the internet", which is saying. - by Cateto/Jose

Yes, the "Great photographers on the Internet" made me on the floor.

[juze]

Buligas, in civilized world, espresso is coffee. Oh, and Turkish coffee, that also counts. Anything else is just caffeine-infused dreck.

[Andrew]

YMSA*
Two points Mr. Johnstone (As we British would spell your name):

If you are going to attempt to use Queen's English, please use correct grammar; thus "with which to shoot bloody television episodes"

Since you have so horribly insulted my camera, I will never visit your site again, buy anything using your links nor recommend your site to anyone. Goodbye

*Yet more SA

[misha]

You forgot, it doesn't sing the national anthem. Clearly a Bolshevik plot.

[Mike Bailey]

A delightful and most entertaining way to start the day. And it also throws light on the dark side of competition, be it hardware or software: featuritis, a condition that results in distortion of form and function.

Mike Bailey

[Roger Bradbury]

Tests have shown that although it looks like one when it has a big lens on the front, it doesn't last very long when used as a hammer.

You would be better off with an old Zenit and a T2 mount 400mm lens.

(Ex Zenit B owner and proud of it. Ex electrician, so I know all about hammers)

[Arg]

You write this on the day that Leica announces a compact superzoom with GPS? That can't be a coincidence.

[sean]

I tell you what's even heavier than a 1ds... Hugh Laurie being considered a sex symbol in the states. Minus 99.9%

[Player]

"Nail clippers? Mini scissors? The little slide-in toothpick thingy? All missing. Minus 3%."

It's about time someone mentioned this silly oversight, congrats Mike. Personally, the lack of a slide-in toothpick was a deal breaker for me. Kudos.

[charlie]

We Are Debiting Your Bank Account And Sending You One Whether You Like It Or Not.

Best of luck on that one. That *might* get you the strap.

[Kevin Schoenmakers]

Today some friend of a friend posted on Facebook he had bought a new camera which was 'better and heavier' than his old one. Shows how spot on you are.

[robert e]

Ooof! Sorry to be slow on the uptake. I blame tree pollen, which I'd guess costs me 20-30 IQ points normally, but this season the trees are especially horny. Which is to say that my satire lag is unprecedentedly high. Perhaps I should upgrade my medication.

I'm one of those people who read selected sections of those 32 page reviews, though apparently I don't visit anywhere near as often as the average camera buff. How many sections I read depends on how curious I am about a given subject, but there is a consistent hierarchy. Obviously, similar approaches are common, and of course the editors can see the effect in site stats.

But then that's just a rational way to approach lots of data, and it seems to me that presenting lots of data is that site's forte, maybe even its raison d'etre. Selectivity doesn't necessarily indicate some deficiency in the offering. The rationale they give for short form reviews would do just as well as a rationale for long form reviews that quote relevant data from near-identical machines alongside new observations. Just sayin'.

[Mike]

originally posted by Sean

"I tell you what's even heavier than a 1ds... Hugh Laurie being considered a sex symbol in the states. Minus 99.9%"

I suspect Sean may be English then:)

Mike

[amcananey]

It's not just that the total score bears no relation to the total demerit score, it is the fact that to give a camera a grade expressed as a percentage raises the fundamental question of what the percentage is actually of.

As soon as you consider that question, a percentage makes no sense whatsoever (and probably doesn't even make sense without considering that question).

[Badfish]

I prefer a minimalist camera, but the lack of simple functions like a toothpick thingy makes this a deal-killer

[TMS3100]

The 5D would really be cool if it had an upload to Facebook button.

[Ed Hamlin]

I knew I shouldn't have bought one, I kept trying to find the phone function in the menu, the sales guy said it was there, the d&*) liar! I don't even like canon products ever since my film cam kept breaking! D?mn It!

[Doug R]

Where's ""Great photographers on the Internet" Part I? I only find Part II in the Search engine? Seriously, I want to read it!

[Doug R]

It can double as a shoe at a press conference. Plus 6%.

[Brian Carey]

Got my 5D2 a few weeks ago and was disappointed to find out it won't make coffee either! :-(
Demerit 5 points!