A guide to local weather in Wisconsin
+90°F: Dangerously hot. Torrid. Insufferable. Check on elderly neighbors, bring pets indoors. Hospitals inundated with heatstroke victims.
+80°F: Very hot! We'd be in trouble wit'out dat air conditioning, hey? Get lots of fluids, don't exert yourself.
+60°F: Balmy. Nice day—not too hot.
+50°F: Crisp. In early Autumn, cause for anticipation. In early Springtime, considered hot.
+40°F: Brisk. Fewer kids seen playing outdoors in T-shirts.
+30°F: Bring in the garden hoses! Kids should wear sweatshirts even if they don't want to.
+20°F: Deer huntin' weather, hey? Be sure to get outdoors and enjoy the nice day.
+10°F: Gettin' kinda cold. Time to break out the winter coats!
0°F: Put off washing the car. No more barbeque on the Weber. Start to leave furnace on during the day.
–10°F: Winter's here, oh yay. Wear your good mittens. Close windows in kids' rooms at night. Wisconsites greet each other by saying, "Cold enough for you?" More than half answer, "Nope, not me, I like it!"
–20°F: In summer you make fun of us, but this is why we're fat: fat is darn good insulation. No sledding for the smaller children, if it's windy.
–30°F: Two words: heated dipstick! Dogs can sleep indoors. Outdoorsmen know what separates the men from the boys: good hats.
–40°F: Cold makes the news. More than a week of this and it reaches the pipes. Even skinflints turn up the furnace.
–50°F: We hardly ever get this nice a cold any more, thanks to that darn global warming. Schools close. Holes for ice fishing hard to keep open without turning on the Coleman in the fishing shed.
–60°F: SUVs won't start. Better put off Wal-Mart trip till tomorrow.
–70°F: Exposed flesh freezes. What the heck is this, Minnesota?
[Originally published in 2006 when I lived in Wisconsin.]
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