The Canon 5D Mark II has achieved only a 60% rating from TOP, the world's leading camera review site. Although this might seem low to the camera's fans, there are very good reasons for this based upon our standard reviewing policies. Here is a list of the camera's demerits and downgrades:
• Only 167 features out of a possible 243. As everyone knows, features are weighted for bulk. Cameras are penalized 1% for every ten features by which they're short of the maximum, the maximum being always the most desirable state, and not just when it comes to features. Minus 7%.
• Not as heavy as the 1D or 1Ds. Heavier is better. Minus 2%
• No phone. Whoever heard of a camera you can't make calls from? It's like a phone that doesn't store MP3s. Minus 5%.
• Doesn't store MP3s. Minus 1%. Would have been more of a downgrade, but the musical taste of many potential purchasers is sorry bordering on wretched. Speaking of which, if American Idol doesn't end soon you're going to have to get the noose ready, Farquar, because we're going to have to hang ourselves.
• People are using the naff device to shoot bloody television episodes with.* Any camera that so blatantly encourages its own misuse cannot be all good. Minus 6%.
• Nail clippers? Mini scissors? The little slide-in toothpick thingy? All missing. Minus 3%.
• Cameras exist with higher megapixel counts. Demonstrated extremes in megapixel counts reveal the limits of technical feasibility, and the limits of technical feasibility must be at least equaled for us to take a product seriously. Minus 2%
• Bad name. Naming cameras after weapons can get you shot at in war zones, especially if you use a zoom the size of a battering ram with your initials painted in big letters on the side, and your name is Ricardo Pesterman Grunwald. Minus 8%. Seems harsh, but there is no remedy for death under the terms of the warranty.
• Lack of Bluetooth connectivity for the phone. We know we already said it has no phone, but we expect Bluetooth connectivity for cameras with phones, and our policy is to downgrade cameras for all missing features. Sorry, no exceptions. Minus 3%.
Total demerit score: Minus 37%. This results in a score of 60%**, which in turn leads to a rating of "Warmly Recommended." This is on the verge of a failing rating for us, since it comes five down in our rating hierarchy, after (in ascending order): Urgently Recommended; No Really Very Strenuously and Urgently Recommended; Critical To Your Happiness And Continuing Sense of Self Worth; and our top rating, We Are Debiting Your Bank Account And Sending You One Whether You Like It Or Not.
It does takes great pictures, like that's enough.
*We employed Britishisms here because Hugh Laurie of House, in a canny Andy-Kaufmann-like existential vamp, gives interviews speaking in a really very plausible English accent.
**Note that the total score is arrived at arbitrarily. It has no relation to the total demerit score.
***Satire Alert. This means that this post is not serious. Before firing off angry comment, please refer to the definition of "satire," which may be found in most decent English dictionaries. Comes after sateless and before satori.
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Original contents copyright 2010 by Michael C. Johnston and/or the bylined author. All Rights Reserved.
Featured Comment by Mike Plews: "I understand the last episode of Jeeves and Wooster was shot on a Minolta 16. Or was that an Aaton 16? I get them confused."
Featured Comment by Louis McCullagh: "Re the episode of House shot on a Canon 5D Mark II: an interview with the producer, Greg Yaitanes, is on Philip Bloom's website."