The NFL Leads the Way In Answering the Question: Just How Much of a Whore Can A Sports League Force Any Individual To Be?
SA* (sort of)
The National Football League, ever mindful of the value of sponsorships, has decided that players no longer get to keep their own names. A Mr. Larry Yoder of Yonkers, New York, has paid $15,000 to the NFL for the naming rights to New York Jets' cornerback Justin Miller, his favorite player.
Miller was naturally incensed, but the NFL is adamant: during the third game of the upcoming season, which Mr. Yoder has tickets to attend with his formerly estranged wife and daughter, Miller will have to wear a jersey with "YODER" on the back, and all NFL-annointed television and radio announcers will refer to Miller as "Larry Yoder" whenever they mention him. As in, "That was meant to be an out pattern, but Larry Yoder had the wideout smothered." The NFL insists that Miller be referenced this way at least three times, to give Mr. Yoder his money's worth.
The issue of naming rights to players themselves comes in the wake of the announcement that all photographers covering NFL games must wear red vests prominently displaying Canon and Reebok logos**. This has angered many photographers, who feel that it is "distasteful and unethical." Especially star photographer Sims Blonk of the Springfield [VT] Times, who shoots with Nikons and wears Nikes. And hates photo vests.
Furthermore, the NFL has announced that for a cool $25 million, it will rename itself. Restaurant chain Hooters is said to be interested, although restaurant attorneys and NFL attorneys are still involved in intense negotiations as to whether the organization will be known as the "The Hooters National Football League" (the name preferred by the League) or "The Hooters Football League" (the name preferred by the restaurant chain) for the 2010 season.
**This part, incredibly, is real
Mike (Thanks to Michael Tapes)